Satire

Babylon Bee: “We took any hymn that talked about a ‘decision’ or ‘choice’ being made on the part of man and axed those God-forsaken lines right out of there,” a spokesperson for the Reformed alliance of churches told reporters.

The registry, called ASSIMIL8, provides gay couples with a list of business owners whose privately held personal beliefs may reflect traditional Christian views on marriage. The excited fiancés can then pick whose lives they want to totally destroy with a lengthy and frivolous lawsuit, as they anticipate their cheerful nuptials.

Babylon Bee: Either he was powerful enough to stop the Star Wars prequels from happening and didn’t, meaning he can’t possibly be all-good—or else he wanted the prequels stopped and couldn’t do it, meaning he can’t possibly be all-powerful.

Babylon Bee: “I always said that instrument of evil would get us into trouble,” longtime church member Helen Van Wagner told reporters.

Babylon Bee: The mishap reportedly occurred sometime late Wednesday afternoon, when the company sent a maintenance team to perform the usual weekly lawn and planter upkeep.

Babylon Bee: We want to show respect and adoration to our Lord on the day commemorating His birth,” pastor Kyle Redding told reporters. “So we’ll be calling off all the services in which we usually sing praises to Him and study His Word, in order that He’ll be more glorified.

Babylon Bee: The Fullers plan to use a New Testament verse next year, to avoid a similar problem. “We’ll pick something Jesus said—he always spoke kind words of gentleness,” Jim noted.

Thanks to Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell, Jr. and a several thousand “prayer warriors,” God Almighty decided to allow the election of Donald Trump and put off The Rapture until the next Democrat is elected to the White House.

Jen Hatmaker Lands New HGTV Show Renovating Biblical Doctrine

Babylon Bee (***SATIRE***): The Church of the Prophetic Word was sorely disappointed to discover an individual believed to be speaking in tongues was actually just a Hungarian exchange student, sources confirmed Wednesday.