Satire

Babylon Bee: Members of First Baptist Dallas passed their golden jewelry, watches, and personal trinkets down to the front of the sanctuary Sunday morning, where Pastor Robert Jeffress melted the large pile of golden knickknacks into a towering statue of President Donald Trump.

Babylon Bee: Written as though Donald Trump were speaking directly to you, the devotional contains words of encouragement and blessing from the President.

Babylon Bee: The poll found that 72% of self-identified evangelicals would vote and even campaign for the prince of fallen angels should he promise to promote Republican policies while in office.

Babylon Bee: When we saw that the Axis invested in responsibly sourced coffees and teas, we knew this was where God was calling us.

Babylon Bee: “Wrong,” MacArthur said flatly as Joy Behar began a rant in support of abortion. “Abortion is an abomination … Because of these things the wrath of God is being revealed against the earth,” he said calmly before taking a sip of coffee as the stunned co-hosts looked on in horror.

Babylon Bee: Scoover’s parents told reporters that his Cage Stage symptoms started surfacing recently after he began to see the full extent of God’s sovereignty over everything, including salvation, and he undertook reading Reformed authors like R.C. Sproul, John Piper, John MacArthur, and a shadowy group of figures known as “the Westminster Divines.”

Babylon Bee: “When you think positive, excellent thoughts, you will be propelled toward greatness!” he called out to one family floating on a raft on a freeway-turned-river, whose earthly possessions had been entirely destroyed the previous day.

Babylon Bee: Church technicians admitted they had fabricated Peterson using advanced computer-generated imagery and state-of-the-art holopgraphic projection technology, incorporating personality and mannerisms of the most revered celebrity pastors to make sure the new CGI pastor was virtually flawless.

Babylon Bee: “Scaramucci did this!” Sessions reportedly called out in between screams after discovering the ghastly sight. “The Mooch wants me gone!”

Babylon Bee: A graduate student at Dallas Theological Seminary confirmed Monday that he is still unable to locate his Bible among the massive piles of books about the Bible surrounding him in his apartment.