Satire

Babylon Bee: “All of our sin was really our pastor’s fault for not feeding us the exact spiritual meal we wanted on a given day,” Heather Connelly said. “At this new church, their exciting illustrations and movie clips will instantly eradicate any sin in our lives.”

Babylon Bee: One prominent seeker-sensitive guru suggested that Elijah should have set out tables with free donuts and coffee to lure in the prophets of Baal before preaching to them.

Babylon Bee: “Yeah, I’m not really into the whole ‘organized fitness’ thing,” he told reporters.

Babylon Bee: Local pastor Greg Neville took to social media to criticize Rick Warren’s ministry, despite Neville not having baptized a single person in the last eight years.

In an effort to expand his following among 2-to-4-year-olds, prophecy expert and pastor John Hagee released his first children’s book Friday, the much-anticipated Goodnight Blood Moon. The book will convey Hagee’s patented take on dispensational prophecy in a simple, easy-to-read format that’s “perfect for freaking your kids out at bed time.”

Babylon Bee: In a recent trip to the White House to brief President Trump on his consistency in defending him against any and all naysayers, First Baptist Dallas pastor and evangelical leader Robert Jeffress assured Trump that he would never leave or betray him, no matter what.

The TL;DR Edition Of All 66 Books Of The Bible

Babylon Bee: According to industry sources, director Mel Gibson’s highly anticipated sequel to The Passion of the Christ will center around the resurrected Jesus traveling to the Western Hemisphere to help the Founding Fathers establish the United States of America—God’s chosen nation.

Babylon Bee: Cameron plays a reprogrammed sleeper assassin employed by Focus on the Family who suffers amnesia and must discover why his fellow superspies working for Dr. James Dobson want him dead. Realizing he was developed into a secret weapon in a clandestine evangelism program for $30 million, Cameron finds himself on the run …

Babylon Bee: Members of First Baptist Dallas passed their golden jewelry, watches, and personal trinkets down to the front of the sanctuary Sunday morning, where Pastor Robert Jeffress melted the large pile of golden knickknacks into a towering statue of President Donald Trump.