Satire

Babylon Bee: “Characters like Judas and Pilate obviously spoke in a British accent, because they were evil,” Braxton added. “But we’re now quite certain that the Jews of Galilee favored speaking English in 19th-century Victorian accents.”

Babylon Bee: The blend is designed to simulate the one-of-a-kind taste of stale, burned, watered-down coffee served in a church foyer or fellowship hall.

Babylon Bee: “My current working theory is that this digital landscape spontaneously created itself around 20 billion years ago, with no input from any kind of magic game designer in the sky,” he told a gathering of villagers in a coffee shop. “The evidence of order and tightly designed game mechanisms are merely random, chaotic patterns.

Babylon Bee: “While your delivery was just above adequate, your exegesis definitely leaves something to be desired,” wrote the man who had taken exactly two classes on the Bible in his life. “I’m also not sure if you’ve ever heard of this little thing called ‘hermanuetics,’ [sic] but you should probably look it up.”

Sign of the end?

Babylon Bee: “Despite my previous belief that we must slay the infidel in the name of Allah until Islam rules the world, I just can’t deny that Katy’s words have touched my heart,” al-Baghdadi said as he symbolically held up and then tossed an AK-47 onto the ground.

Babylon Bee: Wilson, who was recently diagnosed with pneumonia, told sources it is very important that her doctor share her values of openness and acceptance that all medical paths will bring her to wellness. She hopes to find a physician who is not so arrogant as to insist there is only one way to cure her illness.

A llittle boy finally got to travel all the way to Heaven like many other children apparently have, but he completely forgot to try the potato salad. Many are resigned to the fact that the undead human race may never find out if it is decent or not.

Babylon Bee: “Some things are worth fighting for … Plus, brewing all the coffee together in one pot reminds us of the unity purchased for us in Christ.”

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