Church Splits Over Bitter Keurig vs. Traditional Brewer Debate

There are 17 Comments

JBL's picture

This needs to be the next weekly poll.

I don't know which I favor, but when I decide, anyone not on my side will be apostate.  And because he is apostate, there is no need to concern myself with unity.

John B. Lee

TylerR's picture

Editor

Traditional coffee machines are tried and true vehicles to deliver coffee to Christians. Their worth has been proven through the crucible of decades of early Sunday morning coffee rushes in cramped church kitchens. Like gold purified by fire, they shine forth as potent aids for discipleship and Bible teaching. And, there is a clear Scriptural support for traditional coffee machines. Like individual living stones which, together, comprise the spiritual house of the body of faith (cf. 1 Pet 2:5-9), the individual granules of coffee combine together in the coffee machine to produce one delicious pot of communal coffee. Keurig cups are simply the fruit of a pagan individualistic, "Lone Ranger" mentality among Christians. The unity of our churches are at stake, brethren! Make no mistake, this disagreement over coffee is merely the symptom of a much larger problem. Ecclesiology matters.

Also, because ground coffee (preferably generic, from the grocery store) is infinitely cheaper than the fiendish Keurig cups, it allows the congregation to be a better steward of the resources our good and gracious God has given us. 

Let the Keurigs and all other perversions of the truth be consigned to the flames, and let traditional coffee machines rise to reclaim their rightful place in America's churches.     

Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and an Investigations Manager with a Washington State agency. He's the author of the book What's It Mean to Be a Baptist?

Ron Bean's picture

One of the things I love about The Bee's satire is that it often hits close to reality. I was in a church that condemned churches that served coffee and donuts as "neo-evangelical".

"Some things are of that nature as to make one's fancy chuckle, while his heart doth ache." John Bunyan

Jim's picture

Ron Bean wrote:

One of the things I love about The Bee's satire is that it often hits close to reality. I was in a church that condemned churches that served coffee and donuts as "neo-evangelical".

Coffee!

 

Larry Nelson's picture

 

Ron Bean wrote:

One of the things I love about The Bee's satire is that it often hits close to reality. I was in a church that condemned churches that served coffee and donuts as "neo-evangelical".

We're one of those churches that (at our main site) has an actual, installed (special plumbing & with 220-volt power) Italian-made espresso machine (three-group, with all the bells & whistles).  I have to say it's nice to get a real  mocha or something else before, between, or after services.  But if having basic coffee makes a church neo-evangelical, I'm assuming we'd be deemed all-out liberals.................

TylerR's picture

Editor

Repent.

Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and an Investigations Manager with a Washington State agency. He's the author of the book What's It Mean to Be a Baptist?

Larry Nelson's picture

TylerR wrote:

Repent.

By the way, the "profits" from our cafe (and with minimal overhead costs and all-volunteer labor it does turn a nice profit) go to a local inner-city ministry, which receives a check from us every quarter.  (Bonus: it's also less expensive than either the Starbucks or the Caribou that are both within a half-mile radius of the church.)

Bert Perry's picture

This is the Biblical way of making coffee.  Far more flavor than even Keurig, and almost as cheap as the big pot that hasn't been cleaned since the 1970s.    At least consider a stovetop espresso maker!

Seriously, I'm with Larry on liking good coffee, and with Ron on this hitting too close to home.  

Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.

TylerR's picture

Editor

My take:

  • Traditional machines are my least favorite
  • Espresso is my preferred choice
  • French press is my preferred style of "American" coffee
  • Pour-over is also good, too
  • Keurig is expensive. No. And, it is also un-biblical - see my amazing theological treatise here.

Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and an Investigations Manager with a Washington State agency. He's the author of the book What's It Mean to Be a Baptist?

T Howard's picture

Against traditional coffee machines:

"Touch not the unclean thing" - 2 Cor 6:17

Against new coffee contraptions.

"Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set." - Prov 22:28

Andrew K's picture

Bert Perry wrote:

This is the Biblical way of making coffee.  Far more flavor than even Keurig, and almost as cheap as the big pot that hasn't been cleaned since the 1970s.    At least consider a stovetop espresso maker!

Seriously, I'm with Larry on liking good coffee, and with Ron on this hitting too close to home.  

That's called a French press, you papist. Trying to bring us back to Rome, eh?

As for me, I Aeropress. But I don't mind the occasional SE Asian Robusta coffee with a spoon of condensed milk. mmm...kopi susu

TylerR's picture

Editor

I despise all perversions of true coffee brewing which have been vomited forth from Satan since the year 1611. All these new innovations take away from the simplicity that is in coffee. They hinder the suffering sinner from coming to Coffee, and receiving that perfect peace, which passeth all understanding, that comes from repenting and believing in Coffee to solve all their tiredness.

  • People drank Coffee before Keurig, and nobody ever had any problems.
  • People were all on the same page.
  • There was a universal understanding about how Coffee was made.
  • Now, it has all been corrupted. Confusion reigns in our churches, in our pews, and in our homes. There is no standard anymore.
  • Simple coffee lovers are being led astray by this "fancy coffee," with it's high-brow pedigree and pretentious "pods." The experts with the PhDs tell us this coffee is better, has a bolder flavor and is less messy. Do not be deceived, brethren - the Enemy is cunning and crafty.

Brethren, this is just another tactic the Accuser has to bring division in the ranks. First, he sows doubt and confusion. Next, he reaps his harvest of souls, bound for debt because they were drawn away from the simplicity that is in traditional coffee machines.

  • I say, down with the new perversions, and up with the good, old-fashioned King James . .  . er, I mean coffee machines.   

Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and an Investigations Manager with a Washington State agency. He's the author of the book What's It Mean to Be a Baptist?

Bert Perry's picture

Andrew K wrote:

 

Bert Perry wrote:

 

This is the Biblical way of making coffee.  Far more flavor than even Keurig, and almost as cheap as the big pot that hasn't been cleaned since the 1970s.    At least consider a stovetop espresso maker!

<snip>

That's called a French press, you papist. Trying to bring us back to Rome, eh?

As for me, I Aeropress. But I don't mind the occasional SE Asian Robusta coffee with a spoon of condensed milk. mmm...kopi susu

Don't you mean I'm trying to bring us back to the Babylonian captivity of the church in Avignon, Monsieur?  Be good, or I will beat thee with a baguette!

Seriously, I might have to see if my family will get me an Aeropress for my birthday.  I turn 30h soon.  (joke for the programmers out there)

Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.

dcbii's picture

EditorModerator

Bert Perry wrote:

Seriously, I might have to see if my family will get me an Aeropress for my birthday.  I turn 30h soon.  (joke for the programmers out there)

That makes you younger than me, at 0x35 (our preferred notation).

And, appropriate to the topic, we have both Keurig and traditional coffee machines at our work, and they pay for good coffee.  Good coffee makes for more productive software engineers.

Our church is very small, and we use a rented facility.  Most people just end up bringing their own coffee, though we do make some for fellowship time for those who didn't bring any (and we don't buy the cheapest either).

Dave Barnhart

Jay's picture

You guys with your newfangled Hex notation.  John the Baptist used binary, so that's good enough for me. Smile

Seriously, this is another one of those BB articles that I don't find funny.  Maybe it's because there are too many stories out there in the real world that are just like this.

"Our task today is to tell people — who no longer know what sin is...no longer see themselves as sinners, and no longer have room for these categories — that Christ died for sins of which they do not think they’re guilty." - David Wells

Bert Perry's picture

You know there are 10 kinds of people; those who can count in binary, and those who can't.

Seriously, agreed with Jay that sometimes, this stuff hits so up close and personal that it's hard to laugh anymore.  Tom Wolfe (Bonfire of the Vanities, Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test) noted that his job in satire was getting really hard, because as wild as he got, reality got wilder.  

Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.

TylerR's picture

Editor

The closer the Bee gets to reality, the funnier it is to me.

Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and an Investigations Manager with a Washington State agency. He's the author of the book What's It Mean to Be a Baptist?