Babylon Bee

Babylon Bee: Written as though Donald Trump were speaking directly to you, the devotional contains words of encouragement and blessing from the President.

Babylon Bee: “When you think positive, excellent thoughts, you will be propelled toward greatness!” he called out to one family floating on a raft on a freeway-turned-river, whose earthly possessions had been entirely destroyed the previous day.

Babylon Bee: “Scaramucci did this!” Sessions reportedly called out in between screams after discovering the ghastly sight. “The Mooch wants me gone!”

Babylon Bee: “My current working theory is that this digital landscape spontaneously created itself around 20 billion years ago, with no input from any kind of magic game designer in the sky,” he told a gathering of villagers in a coffee shop. “The evidence of order and tightly designed game mechanisms are merely random, chaotic patterns.

Babylon Bee: “Despite my previous belief that we must slay the infidel in the name of Allah until Islam rules the world, I just can’t deny that Katy’s words have touched my heart,” al-Baghdadi said as he symbolically held up and then tossed an AK-47 onto the ground.

Babylon Bee: Wilson, who was recently diagnosed with pneumonia, told sources it is very important that her doctor share her values of openness and acceptance that all medical paths will bring her to wellness. She hopes to find a physician who is not so arrogant as to insist there is only one way to cure her illness.

Facebook Adds New ‘I’d Rather Die’ Response To Event Invitations

In a surprising late announcement, The Gospel Coalition has changed the name of its annual TGC National Conference to “Calvi-Con,” founder Tim Keller announced in a video on the ministry’s website Thursday. Attendees are encouraged to cosplay as their favorite dead reformer or Calvinistic figure at the annual conference.

Babylon Bee: “Some things are worth fighting for … Plus, brewing all the coffee together in one pot reminds us of the unity purchased for us in Christ.”

Of 5061 respondents, only two marked the “Agree” box when asked to consider the statement, “Baptizing infants or young children is a biblical practice.” On further analysis, these results were thrown out, as what appeared to be pencil markings were in fact vomit.