Should Pastors, Parents Encourage Christians to Marry Young?

Greg, you asked about input about waiting until you are older- I was 34. I was running my own business before I was 20 and was financially able to support a family shortly after that. The problem was that the right one had not come along- now before you think I was just being too picky, I was in a local restaurant one night where there happened to also be a lot of single women and someone began to rib me about still being single. I exaggerated a bit and said that when you are related to half the single women in Murray County it is kind of hard to find a wife. They rolled their eyes until I began to point at the girls in the room saying “that one is my cousin, those are my second cousins….” suddenly the eye roll turned to understanding.

Of course I had more concerns than just not marrying my cousin. This was pre-Josh Harris, so I was not into the whole courtship thing or anything, but I had seen recreational dating and did not want anything to do with that- I was interested in finding a wife and frankly, there were not any girls in Murray County that I wanted to marry (there were no fundamental churches in Murray County either). You have to understand that this was a sparsely populated area where most people would call themselves Christians but few were really taking their Christian walk seriously.

I was 34 before I met my wife and it did not take long to realize she was the right one. She was definitely worth the wait. God knew what He was doing. That time of waiting was valuable as well. It gave me a chance to be alone and realize I was not alone because my closest friend was my Lord. I would not want to go back to being single again, but I also realize that my relationship with the Lord is far more valuable than the most important relationship I have here on earth.

I actually quit farming to go into the ministry before I was married. I have often wondered if I would have had the faith to do that if I had a wife and kids. I hope I would have, but God knew what He was doing, and it made it much easier to prepare for ministry without the distractions of a family (I met my wife about a month before graduation from Bible College).

Having been there, I would caution folks to not just expect Christian youth to be able to find a suitable spouse quickly. We must remember that the person you marry will be the person who helps raise your kids and also your ministry partner (even if you do not go into vocational ministry all Christians should be ministering in some way). At the same time, I would recommend that they start looking for a marriage partner and if you know that the person you find is the one you will marry, then why wait years to make that final commitment?

Jerry is one to something that doesn’t just impact rural areas. There is a reality that suitable partners aren’t always readily available. In his case, it was for different reasons early on (marrying cousins) than many will deal with. But as you consider all the different positions and quirks that get thrown about here on SI, you also need to remember that those kind of issues might affect how hard it is to find someone whose opinions and convictions are compatible with yours. I know of one friend, for example, who has struggled to find someone who would share the rigid lifestyle choices my friend has made. One prospect was ruled out, for example, because of the prospect’s enjoyment of watching movies in the theater (the prospect had just enjoyed seeing one of the “Batman” films), which my friend didn’t think was appropriate. Can the two of you be compatible, say, with your musical choices? Bible version? Where do you intend for your children to go to school? These kind of things are matters that need to be considered.

But Jerry, as long as you waited, aren’t you glad your wife didn’t follow your example in that way? :)

We have a couple in our church that are literally about to break off their engagement because she is a KJV Ruckmanite and he uses the NIV.

I don’t disagree with you at all. But I have met too many young people over the age of 21 who don’t have driver’s licenses and don’t know how to get one, who need someone to hold their hand to start a checking account, who can’t heat up a can of soup and will order pizza every single night, and haven’t the foggiest idea how to budget what little money they haven’t blown on beer and cigarettes… and what’s worse is, they don’t care. They have faith that someone will bail them out. They go out for a meal and drinks, and oops- their debit/credit card gets declined, or they forgot to bring their wallet, so someone else pays their way. And they live like that for years. One young woman, who is the daughter of a well-known evangelist in certain circles, has totaled four cars in the last two years. And someone just gave her another one to ingratiate themselves with as a favor to her father.

I don’t doubt that a young person raised by wolves could make a nice life for themselves if they care enough to learn. But I often don’t see much in the way of caring from young people who have been raised in bubblewrap and have never developed a sense of empathy, or even pride in accomplishment. They are, rather, proud to be taken care of, even if it means they take advantage of people.

When parents expect more from kids, starting at an early age, kids are happy to meet high expectations. It’s when adults expect so little that young people often stop caring.

Greg wrote

But Jerry, as long as you waited, aren’t you glad your wife didn’t follow your example in that way?

Greg and his wife have met my wife so they know what a treasure she really is and they also know that she married when she was young even though I married when I was older. :)

Great point on the issues as well. One of the advantages that I had in waiting is that I had time to sort through a lot of those issues first. Some of you may know that I was KJO in my early 20’s but that changed. I am glad I did not marry a wife who was KJO back then.

On the other side of the issue, my wife and I are now growing together as we both work at sorting out the music issue. We are not on opposing sides of it at all, but are both asking the same questions as we both try to figure out where to draw the lines. I believe it is healthy for iron to sharpen iron in a marriage, but Christians must definitely guard against entering a marriage where they try to break each others sword.

BTW, Greg is now pastoring a church in the next county just north of Murray county, but I did not know about that church until I was about 25. By that time most of the girls my age were either already married or off to Bible college so I didn’t even get to meet any from his church. I’m thankful for that, because my wife was definitely worth waiting for.

[TylerR]

We have a couple in our church that are literally about to break off their engagement because she is a KJV Ruckmanite and he uses the NIV.

Probably a good move on their part. Neither is mature enough for marriage given those version choices.

It’s when adults expect so little that young people often stop caring.

Yes, that can be some of it. Some of it also might be that (from our circles) the expectations from parents are so severe that they appear unachievable.

I have in mind, though, people who tend to have it generally together, but who either through active encouragement or their own reluctance, put off what they are capable of, or don’t prioritize it in their plans for life (instead focusing on their career or acquisition of possessions or some other priority).

Greg wrote:

Some of it also might be that (from our circles) the expectations from parents are so severe that they appear unachievable.

This is not the circle I want to call “my circle,” but I know of a young man who asked to court a young lady but was refused because he had debt. They both came from dresses only families. She is now about 30 yrs old and still single. He ended up marrying someone else and now has a family.

I know of another young man who was engaged. He had even gotten approval from the girls father, but was later told that he was not allowed to contact her and that the engagement was off because he had money borrowed against a house. He had even told the dad that he would sell it so he would be debt free (he owed far less on it than it was worth and he was renting it out and making more on it than the payments)- BTW the dad knew about the debt before the approval but then the mom got involved.

I believe both these families had been influenced by some guy named Gothard so that may explain part of it.

[JD Miller]

This is not the circle I want to call “my circle,” but I know of a young man who asked to court a young lady but was refused because he had debt. They both came from dresses only families. She is now about 30 yrs old and still single. He ended up marrying someone else and now has a family.

I know of another young man who was engaged. He had even gotten approval from the girls father, but was later told that he was not allowed to contact her and that the engagement was off because he had money borrowed against a house. He had even told the dad that he would sell it so he would be debt free (he owed far less on it than it was worth and he was renting it out and making more on it than the payments)- BTW the dad knew about the debt before the approval but then the mom got involved.

I believe both these families had been influenced by some guy named Gothard so that may explain part of it.

One guy’s not so humble opinion only, but a guy that has had a hand in or around an awful lot of hook-ups that turned into actual marriages: when the kid has left home or is old enough that they should have left home, the influence that a parent needs to exercise in the mate selection process should be influence from their knees in the privacy of their closet, almost exclusively. Just sayin’…………

I’ve seen, up close and personal, some strange applications of OT passages that resulted in parents literally choosing spouses for their adult children. In two separate families, “God told them” that their daughter was to marry a preacher or missionary. No others need apply.

There is a healthy balance between providing guidance and counseling to one’s adult children, and minding your own business. The idea that we can step in and stop them from making mistakes assumes that we know more about their mind and heart and God’s working in their lives than they do.

And maybe we have some insight and experience to offer, but at some point we really have to stop trying to ‘parent’ our adult children. We get about 18 years, and then for the most part we are out of a job.

Regarding whether or not pastors should counsel people to get married young, the correct answer would be “No.” It is none of a pastor’s business. Maturity, purity, and wisdom are the pastor’s business…but that’s where it ends. There is no need to go beyond Scripture. Pastors too often shell out advice based on their own opinions. That’s probably fine if you say “This is strictly my opinion…” but it is safer and wiser to stay with Scripture.

…if people come asking whether I think they (or their children) are too young to get married, my counsel should be, “I’m sorry- that’s none of my business”? :)

Wayne, great point (about the age thing). I once researched when pastors actually first got involved in even performing marriage ceremonies and if remember right it was not until around the middle ages. I was thinking about that in terms of the debate about whether or not a pastor should perform a marriage for someone who had been divorced. I do not think that the first century pastor had to wrestle with that because I do not think he was involved in pronouncing a couple man and wife. From near as I can tell from my limited study, 1000 yrs ago most in the lower classes simply got married by saying they were now husband and wife. The upper classes would sometimes have legal documents drawn up in order to clarify the transfer of assets, but clergy were not involved until later and the church wedding is even more recent. It seems that early on weddings began to be connected to churches when they were held outside the doors of the church because it was a public place where the couple was able to announce that they were now husband and wife.

Having said all that, I still believe that as a shepherd, a pastor should be involved in counseling a believing couple for such an important decision, but I also believe it should be done in such a way that it helps them to ask the right questions so that they are able to make the most informed decisions. I believe that can and often should include giving our opinion especially when asked.

…I think you can say Scripture makes no requirements based on age for marriage.

You can ask questions like “what would be gained by waiting?”

You can ask questions like “why don’t you think you (or they) are ready?”

I think you can also address things generally from the pulpit- challenging things like materialism and a lack of responsibility that contribute to decisions. You can also challenge young people to think intentionally about marriage, rather than stumbling into it as an afterthought.