Should Pastors, Parents Encourage Christians to Marry Young?

There is no such thing as ‘fully prepared’. But I do believe that parents and churches can give young people the tools with which to cope with whatever comes their way. It is the person’s choice as to whether or not they use those tools.

It is the person’s choice as to whether or not they use those tools.

It isn’t if they don’t have the tools to use.

I think there has to be something more to that passage.

Would you be pleased if a young man came to ask for your daughter’s hand and when you ask him why he wants to marry YOUR daughter the response is: “I’m burning with $exual desire. I can’t stay single any more.” Or I’m an adult now because I understand things, can provide for us to get started and we can build a marriage and serve the Lord together.

Gal 5 addresses being led by the flesh vs. Holy Spirit. The first things listed as “works of the flesh” are $exual in nature. But the “fruit of the Spirit is…self-control”.

Age doesn’t matter…maturity does. I have yet to see teenagers that are mature enough today to put together a marriage. Stats on teen marriage indicate it isn’t a good idea.

[Greg Linscott]

…if people come asking whether I think they (or their children) are too young to get married, my counsel should be, “I’m sorry- that’s none of my business”? :)

Not at all. I said clearly “Maturity, purity, and wisdom are the pastor’s business…but that’s where it ends.” So when people come to you, you can talk in those terms both in principles and about individuals you know well. “These are factors to consider…” “From everything I know about Johnny, he’s not ready.” Of course you should do that.

I’m talking about, and the article in question is addressing, blanket statements that “People shouldn’t wait to get married.” “Marry young and deliver yourself from temptation.” “People are marrying way too late these days..it isn’t right.” You know, the sort of thing said from pulpits frequently. Or worse, publicly saying to Sam and Sally in the pew, “When are you two gonna get married? What are ya waitin’ for?”

Susan,

Every time I think I grew up in the center of Crazytown, Fundyland, you share some anecdote that makes me wonder where the people you know come from.

[TylerR]

The maturity of your child is very important. I believe this is probably the most important factor; do they really understand what they’re getting into? Do they fully understand that marriage is a life-long commitment? Do they really understand that marriage is a covenant between them and another person, not to be broken?

As a father of two sons, 23 and 21, I have a pretty good idea of how well they understand the commitment involved in marriage (and I would certainly press them even more on this were they thinking in terms of marriage). What I will be most concerned — actually, worried — about is whether the other person — their prospective spouse — understands “that marriage is a life-long commitment,” “a covenant between them and another person, not to be broken.” Because in these days of unilateral divorce, my sons’ commitment means nothing if it is not reciprocated.

Another angle on the maturity factor is that very few people actually understand what marriage is. Even among Christians. We still think of it as finding a soul mate instead of finding someone to build a life with. If I’m looking for someone who I enjoy more than I’m looking for someone who has the same values and goals in life, it doesn’t matter how old I am; the marriage will be rocky.

Clearly marriage is to be a place of love, but we really need to teach our children that the love grows through the process of marriage. Instead of marrying someone they “fall for,” we need to guide them to consider personality, common interests, long-term values, etc. There’s a reason e-harmony has been so successful.

Also we must teach them that marriage is not a given—it is a calling from God. And it comes when He sends it. Until then, He probably has a different calling for you for this moment, and you will be just as fulfilled doing that as pining away to be married.

Interesting piece here from Karen Swallow Prior, a professor at Liberty, who argues for understanding marriage as a cornerstone to adult life rather than a capstone.

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/the-case-for-getting-married-young/274293/

Albert Mohler has addressed this topic quite a bit. Here’s one commentary from his website:

There is an intense focus on the self that emerges in how many of these young people explain their delayed adulthood. “When is there time to just be and enjoy?” asked a 25-year-old young woman identified as “Jennifer.” Just one generation ago, a young woman her age would have been, on average, married and well on her way to motherhood.

Christians must look at this phenomenon with great concern — not because we would heap scorn on this generation of young adults, but because we are concerned for them and for the long-term impact of this delay of the acceptance of adult responsibilities. It is not just that they are AWOL from adulthood and its responsibilities. They are also missing the joys, consolations, challenges, and responsibilities that make for maturity and long-term flourishing. They will pay a steep price for this delay, and we will pay it with them.

There are deep spiritual concerns here as well. The extension of adolescence (itself a dubious and problematic life stage) means further delay in accepting the kinds of roles and responsibilities that make for mature Christians. And the dangers are clear. As this report highlights, the extension of adolescence into the 20s was culturally facilitated by the acceptance of premarital sex.

http://www.albertmohler.com/2010/08/23/why-arent-emerging-adults-emerging-as-adults/

What I will be most concerned — actually, worried — about…

I think that isolated byte is more significant than we care to admit. Parents fear losing that control and influence and letting their children loose to make their own decisions and reap the consequences of their mistakes. Young adults are worried about the conflict and rejection they might experience. For all parties, there is a sense of unknown commodities, unpredictable behaviors, unanticipated situations…

Fear.

[handerson]

Another angle on the maturity factor is that very few people actually understand what marriage is. Even among Christians. We still think of it as finding a soul mate instead of finding someone to build a life with. If I’m looking for someone who I enjoy more than I’m looking for someone who has the same values and goals in life, it doesn’t matter how old I am; the marriage will be rocky.

Oh, you mean relationships aren’t like a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie? Where you can find a soulmate by listening to a radio call-in show? Or chatting anonymously online? “I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many… somethings.” Gag me with a keyboard.

What I’ve seen in many IFB churches is a selfish emphasis on what the other person can bring to a relationship (can she cook, clean, take care of a house, raise the kids? will he work, earn a decent paycheck, pay off my credit cards?) none of which have anything to do with character or companionship. Instead, the focus should be on becoming the kind of person the person you want to marry would want to marry.

What I’ve seen in many IFB churches is a selfish emphasis on what the other person can bring to a relationship (can she cook, clean, take care of a house, raise the kids? will he work, earn a decent paycheck, pay off my credit cards?)…

Don’t forget that if you’re going to be a pastor, she has to be able to play the piano, too…

Don’t forget that if you’re going to be a pastor, she has to be able to play the piano, too…

One of my fellow Deacons is an older man; a retired Commander in the U.S. Navy who has been to many, many churches during his storied military career. He tells the story of how at one of his churches, the Deacon Board refused to extend a call to an otherwise qualified Pastoral candidate because the man’s wife couldn’t play the piano.

“Marital Aid for Fundamentalists?”

http://www.digitalhymnal.net/

:)

[Greg Linscott]

What I will be most concerned — actually, worried — about…

I think that isolated byte is more significant than we care to admit. Parents fear losing that control and influence and letting their children loose to make their own decisions and reap the consequences of their mistakes. Young adults are worried about the conflict and rejection they might experience. For all parties, there is a sense of unknown commodities, unpredictable behaviors, unanticipated situations…

Fear.

Of necessity, marriage carries with it “unknown commodities, unpredictable behaviors, unanticipated situations.” And that truism is a large part of the reason marriage vows cover “for better OR worse, for richer OR poorer, in sickness AND in health.” Perhaps individual spouses have always been as unreliable as they have been in the last two generations; I’m not equipped to say. It may be merely the myopia that comes of living in the present that causes me to speculate that spouses today are generally less committed than in previous generations. But two other negative factors are indisputable. First, the law is radically different. Only in the last 50 years has it been possible for spouses to divorce for any reason (or no reason) and without the consent of the other spouse. Second, presumably as one of the consequences of the massive change in the law, the church rarely presents any hedge against unilateral divorce either.

My sons recently saw their own mother — an IFB Christian woman who has always purported, and continues to purport, to be wholeheartedly dedicated to serving God and living according to His commands — unilaterally divorce without biblical grounds and then immediately rush into a remarriage to a man who is already twice-divorced himself. At her (second) wedding, they heard her make vows of lifelong commitment to a man she had not even known 12 months before and had not even met in person until 9 months before — the same vows she had made to their father before they were born. They saw the law raise no impediment to the unilateral divorce, but rather reward her financially (though she had a good job already). They saw the church raise no impediment. They also saw individual Christians decline “to get involved.”

Under these circumstances, I contend that they would be imprudent not to be more cautious, perhaps even significantly more cautious, than their counterparts in previous generations about their choice of a wife and even about whether to marry. It’s not fear (and I never said it was) — it’s prudence.

That is a sad testimony on the part of the church to not address the divorce culture. People’s failures though have nothing to do with whether a person should marry young or not.

It is one thing to want to marry but not find a person. It is quite another to want to marry but party (in whatever fashion) for awhile and then maybe get married later. The latter is selfish and unproductive.