Should Pastors, Parents Encourage Christians to Marry Young?

Greg and Jay: I appreciate your kind words and your prayers for my family.

Susan R: “That’s why I refer to giving young people the ‘tools’ of healthy relationships, which are actually just plain ol’ good character. Courage, patience, compassion, generosity, a work ethic… those are components of a mentally/emotionally healthy person, which is in itself a building block of healthy relationships.”

Yes. The “vetting” I have in mind is for character — character to keep a vow when it has (or seems to have) become difficult AND to admit and correct mistakes. I suppose there are limits, but two young, immature, and dysfunctional people can have a successful marriage (in time) if they don’t give up and if they’re willing to learn, admit offenses, and change. There are a lot of very helpful resources for Christian couples (not to mention the church itself) if they will but have the humility to use them. (Greg, I have to believe that this is why your parents’ marriage succeeded — though they may not have been wise enough or have had time enough to “vet” each other back then, they both in fact had the requisite character.)

I have on at least one occasion summarized this to my boys as the need for “good faith.” By that I mean that each partner realizes that the other is not perfect and does not expect them to be, will forgive and extend grace for the lack of perfection, realizes that he/she is not perfect either, will admit wrongs and ask forgiveness, will never quit trying to be a better spouse, will seek outside help (pastoral counseling, professional Christian counseling, etc.) AND will not simply dismiss the outside advice because it doesn’t sufficiently blame the partner, etc.

Of course, we can’t know for sure that such character and good faith do exist, or will continue to exist, in another person even after intentionally checking for it. As in many things, we do what we can to be prudent, we try to do right, and we trust God for the outcomes.

Greg, I have to believe that this is why your parents’ marriage succeeded — though they may not have been wise enough or have had time enough to “vet” each other back then, they both in fact had the requisite character.

I think that is true- though there were plenty of divorces amongst their siblings. I would say that their walks with God were also significant factors, compared to my aunts and uncles, where Christian testimonies were lacking. But that isn’t to say my parents have been perfect, either.

Jennifer and I were married pretty young… she was 19, I was 23. We have 18+ years together now. We’re far from perfect in our relationship, but I think the early start did us a lot of good. We finished college together (working each other through), started serving together in church settings even before we were married. Our adult lives have been together virtually from the outset. Sure, there are things we might do differently if we had the benefit of hindsight. But the decision to marry when we did is one I’ll never, ever regret.