Should Pastors, Parents Encourage Christians to Marry Young?

Two crystal clear passages spring to mind on this matter:

I Cor. 6:18-7:2 “Flee fornication…to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”

Mal. 2:15 [part of a marriage context] “And did not he make one?…And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed….”

Encourage young marriage? Not necessarily. But the current climate of discouraging young marriage and the accompanying kids in order to finish an education, establish a career path, provide a financially secure scenario, etc., has zero foundation in Scripture. Scripture most certainly does NOT say “whoso findeth a profession/career/education findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour of the LORD.”

Sexual purity is a big thing with God. And if the answer to “flee fornication” is to get married, then get married at whatever legal age. And parents, church leaders, school leadership, et. al., really need to get on board with what Scripture has clearly outlined and work with this.

Lee,

Scripture also says the groom is to leave his parents and cleave unto his wife, forming a new family unit. This implies the ability to provide for hsi new family, right?

[Chip Van Emmerik]

Lee,

Scripture also says the groom is to leave his parents and cleave unto his wife, forming a new family unit. This implies the ability to provide for hsi new family, right?

Only in America :)

I would just observe that it takes less to “provide” than we sometimes think it does. Most young people make enough to get their own apartment and pay for a vehicle before going to college. I see plenty of people in my setting (both immigrant and indigenous population) who earn enough to provide for themselves and their families who don’t have college degrees and a 401k. There is also nothing wrong with a young couple (provided they are both agreeable to doing so) getting married and working together to pursue developing a more marketable skill for one or both of them. I know a married couple in their early twenties who were in the National Guard, and the husband is now pursuing a college degree. I know another where the wife is working a secretarial position, while the husband works at Menards and pursuing a degree to become a physical therapist. I know a young immigrant couple (the wife is just turning twenty) where the husband works at a local turkey plant, while the mother stays home with their infant daughter. He makes enough to pay rent, and they have bought a car, a computer, and have internet service. In their minds (and their parents’), they are rich compared to their life in the refugee camps.

Based on some of the thoughts about having to be financially well off in order to get married, a lot of small town pastors would be forced to be single. There are guys who could make more at Menards than they do pastoring churches (guys with very marketable skills in other areas btw) but they are looking at the bigger picture and their treasures are laid up where their heart is at.

I got married when I was 21, but my wife got married when she was 27. Apparently, in God’s plan, she had to wait a few years for me to get old enough. So, if the above linked article is right, I got married younger, but she got married older. We each have always thought we both got married at the right time to the right person, and we have been happily married for 26 years now.

As for my view of what we should do as pastors, I encourage young people to avoid recreational dating, and I find that this leads them to desire marriage earlier. Since they cannot have the benefits of a close personal relationship with a member of the opposite sex unless they are courting someone they believe to be a potential mate and then marrying that person, they are not helped to avoid an earlier marriage by partaking of the whole casual dating scene. Instead, they are geared to think of marriage as the appropriate, God-ordained context in which to seek intimacy with the opposite sex, so they are much more thoughtful and deliberate about it at a younger age, not seeing such relationships as something to play around with but to cherish and seek as one of the best things in life, a high and holy calling that is a precious gift from God.

I was engaged at 17, married at 18. I’ve been married for 11 years now and everything is just wonderful. At the same time, however, I realize this is not going to work for everybody.

I know full well that if my son meets a lady while in college and wants to get married, I won’t be able to say, “you’re too young!” My mom also married at 18, and I turned that line back on her when I got engaged!!

The maturity of your child is very important. I believe this is probably the most important factor; do they really understand what they’re getting into? Do they fully understand that marriage is a life-long commitment? Do they really understand that marriage is a covenant between them and another person, not to be broken? Can they grasp this at 18? Some people can. Others definitely cannot!

My wife is older than me, so I believe this helped. We weren’t both 18 and immature.

Do they fully understand that marriage is a life-long commitment? Do they really understand that marriage is a covenant between them and another person, not to be broken? Can they grasp this at 18?

That’s true- but at the same time, you don’t fully understand all the implications until you’ve been married a while. Just the way it is.

I would be curious to hear from the other side- many seem to be speaking up in favor of marrying young. What do you think is to be gained by waiting, or what is at risk by pursuing too early? I am assuming that we are talking suitable candidate, and not just using age as an easy out for a candidate a parent finds unsuitable.

That’s true- but at the same time, you don’t fully understand all the implications until you’ve been married a while. Just the way it is.

Sure, Greg, but there are some teenagers that just ARE NOT mature enough for marriage. Some are. I’m not denying that they’ll grow along the way, but some teenagers should grow a lot before they ever marry.

The maturity of the individual is the defining point.

[TylerR]

…

The maturity of the individual is the defining point.

As is the ability to maintain sexual purity. Some can live celibate lives ad infinitum. Others can maintain celibacy easily far longer in life even when marriage is on the visible horizon. Yet for many, maybe even most, sexual abstinence/purity while awaiting “permissibility” for marriage can be a very real battle. Scripture is pretty clear for those many—get married!

[TylerR] Sure, Greg, but there are some teenagers that just ARE NOT mature enough for marriage.

I understand, my friend- but who ultimately decided you were mature enough when you got married? That’s all I’m saying. Maturity is a factor, but in the end, it’s going be a fairly relative criteria- not one you can set an objective age for, and there will likely be those who would contest maturity when others will not.

As my previous post indicated, my perspective is to encourage a Scriptural view of courtship and marriage, and I find that this tends to encourage serious thinking about marriage at an earlier age. But I don’t discourage waiting. I encourage seeking the Lord’s will and waiting for His providential guidance, and, as my own experience indicates, this may be different for some than for others. In my case, it meant getting married a bit younger — at age 21 — but in my wife’s case it meant getting married a bit older — at age 27.

Personally, I think maturity and waiting on the Lord are more important issues than a person’s particular age. But, as I said, I think a consistent teaching of a Scriptural understanding of courtship and marriage will over time lead to more marriages at a younger age. But, then, consistent Scriptural teaching it will also tend to lead to greater maturity at a younger age as well. This strikes me as a good thing, but I would never advocate a “one size fits all” approach. God works differently in the lives of different people, and he matures them at diffferent rates.

Keith

Shooting from the hip here- I don’t think the focus should be on marrying young, but in raising adults who are responsible and intelligent enough to make mature decisions, including when and whom to marry.

The problem is that we’ve infantilized our young people so much that they don’t reach adulthood until 30. Our expectations become lower and lower, and teens end up playing limbo to meet them. No wonder most think that young marriage is a bad idea. Many young people couldn’t maintain the life of a parakeet, much less a family.

And that is the fault of parents and churches. Churches don’t equip and encourage parents to bring their children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and parents have abdicated their responsibilities to churches and schools. It’s a whirlwind of failure.

When we raise a generation that has reached a reasonable amount of maturity by 16, 17, 18, then we can talk about marrying young.

Well said, Susan. Hence my emphasis on consistent Scriptural teaching.

Many young people couldn’t maintain the life of a parakeet, much less a family.

I understand what people are saying about maturity and so forth, and I am not advocating a nonchalant, “Hey, go for it!” kind of attitude. At the same time, I think more people are ready and capable than we (or they) would tend to think. It’s kind of like when people look at my family and say, “you adopted three more kids? I could never do that!” Well, yes, I imagine you could, if the circumstances dictated it. You’d figure it out, if you absolutely had to- you wouldn’t leave them sitting on the doorstep of the nearest orphanage in the middle of the night. You may not choose to, like we did, but you do have the capability, especially if you are a Christian, with God’s help.

I think a lot of what young people face in their reluctance is a fear of failure coupled with unrealistic expectations. They have seen a lot- a lot- of marriages end in divorce. They want a level of comfort they have come to think they are entitled to rather than have to earn. They are afraid that they may miss out on a spouse more attractive if they “settle” now (I love this article for realistic expectations: “Brother, You’re Like a Six”).

I’m just observing that if you bought “the young person” a parakeet, and put stipulations and value or incentives on it, they’d figure out how to keep the thing alive (they could Google it or something… :) ). Marriage is more than a parakeet, sure. But if the young person has any kind of relationship with God (and we are talking about scenarios in a church setting), and there is any interest in marriage at all, they will figure out how to get the basics done.

I would sense that one issue has actually been more of a default attitude of responsible adults and churches to discourage marriage until you finish college, or get a career, or pay off student loans, or be able to pay cash for your first house, or are eligible to be president of the United States, etc etc. My observation is there is nothing wrong with waiting if the right person hasn’t come along… but if you find each other, what is to be gained by waiting? What is there that you can better accomplish individually that you couldn’t together?