Should Pastors, Parents Encourage Christians to Marry Young?

But marrying young may be affected by the extra care that today’s environment makes prudent. Marrying at 21-22 right out of college after dating/being engaged for 1-2 years? Maybe that’s not enough time any more to vet the other person’s character, given the stakes and that the marriage is now solely dependent on that character (because there is no societal or church backup). And if you have to go through more than one extended relationship because there ended up being doubts about the first serious prospect, you’re not young any more.

From Barna’s “Six Reasons Young Christians Leave the Church”

Reason #4 – Young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic, judgmental.
With unfettered access to digital pornography and immersed in a culture that values hyper-sexuality over wholeness, teen and twentysometing Christians are struggling with how to live meaningful lives in terms of sex and sexuality. One of the significant tensions for many young believers is how to live up to the church’s expectations of chastity and sexual purity in this culture, especially as the age of first marriage is now commonly delayed to the late twenties. Research indicates that most young Christians are as sexually active as their non-Christian peers, even though they are more conservative in their attitudes about sexuality. One-sixth of young Christians (17%) said they “have made mistakes and feel judged in church because of them.” The issue of sexuality is particularly salient among 18- to 29-year-old Catholics, among whom two out of five (40%) said the church’s “teachings on sexuality and birth control are out of date.”

Age and maturity are important. But, age is an inaccurate indicator of maturity in our “extended adolescence” culture. And maturity can be taught. Therein lies the problem. We spend our Sundays teaching about “spiritual” matters, talking about loving God and serving Him with a whole heart. And fail miserably at teaching how Scripture tells us to live.

We have youth groups that go on missions trips, while failing to teach those same youth to abstain from “sexually immorality” because “that should be taught at home”. We have parents who watch the latest and raunchyest? from Hollyweird on “family movie night”, then are surprised when their children behave like the depraved characters in the movies.

God gave specific commands about sexuality and marriage, those are just as important to be taught in the home and pulpit as “spiritual gifts, evangelism, music styles, Calvinism, free will and KJO.”

I’m afraid we focus on the wrong things, then wonder why our children are mature enough for marriage.

I agree with what dmyers is saying, to the extent that divorce has become so prevalent that many young men are taking vows of celibacy or abandoning the faith completely(so they can have sex), rather than choosing marriage When 75 percent of all divorces are filed by women, http://www.divorce-lawyer-source.com/faq/emotional/who-initiates-divorce-men-or-women.html men are legitimately scared (and prudent) to question the intelligence of entering into a supposed life long relationship with any woman. Particularly an “educated” one.

It was supposed to say, are NOT mature enough for marriage.

My sons recently saw their own mother — an IFB Christian woman who has always purported, and continues to purport, to be wholeheartedly dedicated to serving God and living according to His commands — unilaterally divorce without biblical grounds and then immediately rush into a remarriage to a man who is already twice-divorced himself.

Brother, whatever else one might say in this discussion, let me first stop and observe that I grieve for you and your family. I do not understand all the specifics of your situation, and I do not pretend to know what all of you must be enduring. I will pray for you.

At the same time, just because (at least) one person failed, and failed miserably, doesn’t mean that another necessarily will. Plenty of people that have demonstrated admirable character in their past have gotten divorced, committed adultery, or identified as homosexuals, even. I mean, here recently on SI, a story was highlighted that a IFB church planting missionary is in jail awaiting trial, accused of murdering his wife!

All I’m saying is I’m not sure that “vetting” a person could ever completely reveal someone’s capabilities or propensity for failure and disappointment. How could you objectively determine what constitutes sufficient caution?

I know of a young kid who joined the Navy and met a teenage girl while his ship was in port in the Philippines. Looking back, neither of them probably didn’t make all the right choices going in, and I doubt either one did much “character vetting” at the time. And yet, this past January, my parents celebrated their 43rd wedding anniversary.

I’m just observing that sometimes the formulas don’t always produce guaranteed outcomes, but also, longevity and commitment can be learned and perfected (with the help of God!) over the long haul.

[farmer Tom N]

From Barna’s “Six Reasons Young Christians Leave the Church”

Reason #4 – Young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic, judgmental.
With unfettered access to digital pornography and immersed in a culture that values hyper-sexuality over wholeness, teen and twentysometing Christians are struggling with how to live meaningful lives in terms of sex and sexuality. One of the significant tensions for many young believers is how to live up to the church’s expectations of chastity and sexual purity in this culture, especially as the age of first marriage is now commonly delayed to the late twenties. Research indicates that most young Christians are as sexually active as their non-Christian peers, even though they are more conservative in their attitudes about sexuality. One-sixth of young Christians (17%) said they “have made mistakes and feel judged in church because of them.” The issue of sexuality is particularly salient among 18- to 29-year-old Catholics, among whom two out of five (40%) said the church’s “teachings on sexuality and birth control are out of date.”

…

Paul said it better and more concisely: “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”

We can play “what if” with all the scenarios in the world, and some of them may actually have some validity. But the simplicity of Scripture doesn’t make it a hard scenario. If you’re not gifted as was Paul, then get married when you need to.

Sexual purity is very important to God, and God has made a very legitimate way to avoid it. And avoiding all potential divorce scenarios by putting yourself on the path to potential (even probable) immorality is not a plan. This is not rocket science.

[Susan R]

What I’ve seen in many IFB churches is a selfish emphasis on what the other person can bring to a relationship (can she cook, clean, take care of a house, raise the kids? will he work, earn a decent paycheck, pay off my credit cards?) none of which have anything to do with character or companionship. Instead, the focus should be on becoming the kind of person the person you want to marry would want to marry.

This concept resonates with me. May I expand? Much of sin is reducing people, who are fundamentally subjects, to objects and then further to instruments. Certainly there are domestic duties and any well-functioning household is going to need to assign some roles, but those roles exist for the marriage, not the marriage for the roles! A spouse is not a dishwasher, which we want to perform its task quietly and efficiently so we can ignore it.

I think teamwork and respect are two areas that aren’t talked about enough. Sometimes roles talk get in the way, because roles can be conceived of as what people do separately - While I do x over here, you’re supposed to do y over there. But I think the more people can do together and do well together, the better. There needs to be a real blending. My wife reads my academic papers, knows tons about Augustine (my scholarly specialty), and even comes to class with me when time permits. I help her with digital photography and design and perform the role of sous-chef when it does not present a danger to anyone. And I still think we spend too much time apart. We’re better as a team.

Respect. At least for me, that’s key. I’ve heard that men need it more than women, and that may be a psychological truth, but I think a large disproportion is dangerous. I get very nervous when I hear men talk about their wives in a way that marginalizes their skills or accomplishments, as if the man is the star of the show and the little wife is a supporting actress. There is a certain personality type that intentionally targets a spouse that is perceived as weaker, less intelligent, or less aggressive for domination. But the temptation is there even for normal people. Instead, a spouse ought to be someone whose talents, abilities, and character are impressive enough that this person could stand alone without a spouse. Only then is a marriage a free, intentional joining of two people, rather than a desperate clutching that will emotionally exhaust both parties.

I’m sorry, what was the thread topic?

Expand all you like, Bro. Charlie. I think I might do that too.

If we want our young people to experience marriages that are based on maturity, compassion, respect, etc… then we must give them these tools.

Problem is, many adults don’t have the tools to give. They themselves are mired in marriages barely held together by an instinct for self-preservation and the fear of the unknown. The health of their relationships are tracked on their own mental scoreboard. And they can’t find their theology with both hands and a flashlight.

Sometimes I think churches should just stop evangelizing for awhile until they have a strong core of mature believers who can minister in the symbiotic manner oft commanded and illustrated in the NT. We are often the blind leading the blind.

As for objectifying, I think the roots of that are evident in society, but also in churches. Don’t we objectify young people with many of the trite and shallow programs that reward hoop jumping with cheap rewards and ego gratification? Aren’t we more concerned with working salvation from the outside in instead of the inside out? When was the last time we just let our kids be lost before we begin expecting the fruits of a sanctified life?

We can’t let them do that, because that might make us look bad. They are then an object to us, and not a soul.

If our church’s dynamic is based mostly on reputation preservation and self-aggrandizing, why do we then expect young people to grow up to be unselfish, empathic adults who can enjoy mature relationships? Delusional much?

Sometimes I think churches should just stop evangelizing for awhile until they have a strong core of mature believers who can minister in the symbiotic manner oft commanded and illustrated in the NT. We are often the blind leading the blind.

This seems the same kind of attitude that says “wait until you’ve reached maturity to get married…” :)

I understand what you’re saying, Susan. Not completely dismissing the need for reform in churches, either. But seriously- how often do you see people won to Christ because a new convert’s immediate transformation and subsequent enthusiasm is used by God to bring them to Himself? Whether you’ve seen it or not, I’ve seen it often. If you’re suggestion is truly valid, we’d never send church planters into a cold situation with no preexisting church.

In regards to marriage, all I’m saying is that God is as much if not more concerned with our conduct after the bonds of matrimony are tied than He is the qualifications going in. in fact, OT law even provides for flawed entries into marriage, don’t forget. Not the ideal, obviously. But there is hope moving forward.

So yes, we should give young people “the tools” of maturity, respect, etc etc. No argument from me. But at the same time, we should not expect those things to be fully fleshed out in a young 20 something as they would be (ahem) in a woman of your developed grace and virtue.

All I am saying is that marriage does not = end of the maturity process. Some things are best learned, perhaps, in the process of application of those principles, in fact.

Bro. Linscott- just to clarify, I was thinking about the skewed focus on ‘evangelizing’, which is Christian code for ‘increasing attendance’. IOW, many churches go all out to bring people in, get them in the pew, and make sure they are tithing. I’m afraid that all too often, discipling, mentoring, and the expectation of spiritual growth ain’t happenin’. The result is shallow Christianity, and sometimes just flake out fake Christianity.

I actually agree with “marriage does not = end of the maturity process. Some things are best learned, perhaps, in the process of application of those principles, in fact.” We are never ‘ready’ to face life’s challenges, or they wouldn’t be challenges. We grow and stretch by dealing with the difficult and unfamiliar. That’s why I refer to giving young people the ‘tools’ of healthy relationships, which are actually just plain ol’ good character. Courage, patience, compassion, generosity, a work ethic… those are components of a mentally/emotionally healthy person, which is in itself a building block of healthy relationships.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that we have a God who delights in taken brokenness and redeeming it for His glory. Not trying to promote the idea that the only people ‘qualified’ to marry are those who have arrived.

We should ask ourselves why so many young people who are the most ‘screwed up’ in their thinking and behavior are those brought up in church their whole lives.

We should ask ourselves why so many young people who are the most ‘screwed up’ in their thinking and behavior are those brought up in church their whole lives.

Well, obviously, because they listen to CCM and use those new-fangled perversions of the Bible! :)

@Charlie

Much of sin is reducing people, who are fundamentally subjects, to objects and then further to instruments.

This is the best thing I’ve read all week.

Having been involved in the lives of young people in all kinds of scenarios for almost 35 years now, what I have observed as a general tendency, but certainly not as an absolute trait, is that people “grow up” when they need to.

Marriage is a “need to” situation for many. I’m not sure but what that is the way that God intended. I’ve worked my way through Scripture pretty thoroughly on this marriage issue over the years, and I am not aware of where Scripture tells anybody to wait until you and/or your parents think you are absolutely mature enough for marriage to get married. I can find plenty of places where scripture extols the virtue of marriage and the benefits/blessings of “the wife of your youth.”

My sons recently saw their own mother — an IFB Christian woman who has always purported, and continues to purport, to be wholeheartedly dedicated to serving God and living according to His commands — unilaterally divorce without biblical grounds and then immediately rush into a remarriage to a man who is already twice-divorced himself.

Brother, whatever else one might say in this discussion, let me first stop and observe that I grieve for you and your family. I do not understand all the specifics of your situation, and I do not pretend to know what all of you must be enduring. I will pray for you.

–—

Ditto. My heart bleeds for you, brother. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

Bro. Linscott- just to clarify, I was thinking about the skewed focus on ‘evangelizing’, which is Christian code for ‘increasing attendance’. IOW, many churches go all out to bring people in, get them in the pew, and make sure they are tithing. I’m afraid that all too often, discipling, mentoring, and the expectation of spiritual growth ain’t happenin’. The result is shallow Christianity, and sometimes just flake out fake Christianity.

Yeah…I agree with this. I suspect these kinds of ‘converts’ are just chaff that falls away and not regenerate after all in most cases and ‘do not remain’ (Luke 8). It seems like a lot of ‘soul winning’ (the numbers-focused kind) is heavily reliant on arm-twisting and even (dare I say it) manipulation into getting someone to ‘pray a prayer’ so that they can ‘get out of Hell free’. If they’re saved - they’ll want to grow. You’ll see real, lasting change. If they get saved and come to church three times and then vanish, there’s problems there.

After all, 99.9% of unsaved people are opposed to going to Hell. You don’t need to be a Christian to want to avoid that.

Charlie, that post earlier on was fantastic. Thanks for sharing it…there’s a lot of good stuff there to think about.

[Greg Linscott]

We should ask ourselves why so many young people who are the most ‘screwed up’ in their thinking and behavior are those brought up in church their whole lives.

Well, obviously, because they listen to CCM and use those new-fangled perversions of the Bible! :)

I didn’t point that out as I was busy developing even more grace and virtue. I think I’m starting to glow…