A Biblical Message for Children of Aging Parents

Since last June, my wife and I have been helping to take care of her parents after her dad had a stroke. It's been quite difficult for us as we confront a couple of facts; first, Dad was holding a lot of things together for multiple family members until he couldn't, and then there's the assumption that "care" means "everything back to the way it was before the stroke."

And a great deal of the stress is that by "holding things together" for one of my wife's siblings, Dad has enabled some really self-destructive behaviors....and then wanting everything "the way it was" means that at times, we really have to cajole them to get (and pay for) the care they need. So you've got rentals, annuities, and more where they really had their hearts into these assets....but they've got to pay for care, or else risk having them die of sepsis in a puddle of their own waste.

Pro tip if you're among those approaching the age of Depends; get your will ready, make sure the executor knows where your assets are, and what your wishes are, and such. Get a Power of Attorney document ready where you can, when your energy won't keep you going to do the work yourself, delegate that to your executor.

(and make sure that you ought to have good confidence in that executor...bad things happen if you should not have that confidence)

Yes, I agree with Bert above.

Besides having a Power of Attorney, it might be advisable to have directions for care if you are incapacitated. I think it is called different things in different jurisdictions, but here it is called a Living Will.

So many issues to think of on this, but as we age, we should prepare! It makes it best for everyone.

Somewhat related is a book called "Between Life and Death: A Gospel-Centered Guide to End-of-Life Medical Care" by Kathryn Butler. This has more to do with making decisions when someone is unable to decide for themselves, but a lot of wisdom here. I highly recommend this one.

POA (power of attorney) often comes into place only when at least two doctors say you're incapacitated--which is hard to get if you've got someone with dementia who doesn't want to go to the doctors'. There may be an option to have someone volunteer to reduce his own autonomy and grant that POA before it becomes critical.

Word of the day here is "cajole". Often you can't go in and just decide, so you've got to gently persuade.

My parents gave me full PoA while they were still functioning. That was because they completely trusted me. I realize that might be a risk too far for some people.

It behooves families to walk with the Lord and build trust with one another. But as we've discussed, it is important that when elders become incapacitated (and they will), something should be set up to prepare for the eventuality. And we will all be elders at some point, so prepare.

My mom passed a few years ago at 98 and six days. Our family worked well together on her care in the final years, though the burden fell most on my brother and his wife (they lived across the street). Those times called for extra effort on all of us, but it was our joy to serve mom in her last years. (Her insane dog was another matter... we ended up with the dog until she too passed.)

>>My parents gave me full PoA while they were still functioning. That was because they completely trusted me. I realize that might be a risk too far for some people.<<

After my Dad passed, my Mom gave me full PoA too. I didn’t expect it, and hadn’t asked for it, given it is a lot of power and responsibility to have. However, after thinking about it, I realize the wisdom in what she was doing. She is definitely having health issues at 88, but at this point is still completely mentally sound, thank the Lord. She just wants to be ready for the future.

My mom gave full medical power of attorney to my wife and I since my wife was the one who took her to all her appointments. She also had a living will, so my wife knew what she expected. She gave her full financial power of attorney to my brother. I really liked that because we all get along and we would all talk to each other before making decisions anyway, but it gave us options for how to deal with anything that did come up. Mom also had things in a trust so that when she did pass away, my brother was able to act as executor without any problems. That allowed us to make sure all bills got paid and all proceeds could be collected. Things really went smoothly because we all get along so well. It also helped so that the burden of having to deal with things was spread out among us. My brother had to deal with the financial end and we had to deal with the medical end. My sister pitched in by coming and staying with Mom when she needed her and my other brother lived close enough that he was just a phone call away when needed. It made it so much easier when the burden of care did not all fall on just one family.