What Do I Owe My Aging Parents? Review: ‘Honoring Dependent Parents’ by Bill Davis

In the goal of trying to maintain finances and other things, one of the big things you've got to watch is that one doesn't violate the rescuer's rule; don't become another victim, and a lack of boundaries in caring for elder A can destroy multiple families of elder A's children. One particular issue is that at times, people assume that because a woman is a stay at home wife & mother, that she can leave her husband and children behind for months at a time to care for aging parents. No, not without serious repercussions on that family's life.

In Paul's letter to Timothy, he lays out the requirements for a widow to meet in order to have her needs met by the church. That list showed the expectation that her children would care for her if she was unable to. The passage does not address widowers, but only widows. It does not even address married elderly. Proverbs 13:22 says a good man leaves an inheritance to his grandkids. This all implies that we have a responsibility to care for ourselves and to not just expect our kids to care for us.

Still, the Timothy passage makes it clear that in extraordinary cases, children should step up to care for their parents. The one extreme is for the children to say that it is not their problem. The other extreme is for the parents to spend irresponsibly and then expect their kids to bail them out. Neither is how a Christian ought to behave.

I have and older friend whose health has been declining a bit. So has his wife's. They are making the responsible decision to move closer to their children. I will miss him, but they realize that it is much easier for them to move than for their children. They have two kids in the same city, so that is where they are going. They do not expect the kids to support them but they know that they will be there to assist them. The grandparents will also be able to help with the grandkids. My friend is a godly man (former pastor) and has been a great mentor. I believe his family is finding the right balance of both parents and children taking responsibility and supporting each other.

As one who does ministry in a local nursing home, and of course watching my in-laws, it's worth noting that most of the residents in assisted living and nursing homes are there without their spouses. Sometimes the spouse is deceased, and at other times, it's simply that one spouse has physically or mentally declined quicker than the other. When it's both--my in-laws' case--things get crazy because the price is 1.5-2x what it is when it's just one person. People start panicking, etc..

One good thing is that with assisted living at least, you've got larger suites for two people, and the overall increase in cost is care + about 50% of the room. Then you've got the question, especially important in memory care, of whether a couple can stay together if that's going to be helpful. There are some centers where assisted living and nursing care are under the same roof, which can be tremendously helpful (if way expensive).

As one would probably guess, I see "take care of ones own" as "do so as you have the ability" and "don't incapacitate yourself". For example, my wife really doesn't have the strength to lift her father, so home care is out of the question for us, at least without significant hired assistance (at least when I'm away at work, I can lift him with no problems so far).

Our big issue at this point is the desire to preserve the estate in a place where none of my in-laws' children really have things set up where they could (or should even try) to care for my in-laws. So the tendency is to try and see how cheap one can get away with, which is as a rule diametrically opposed to good care.

JD, I plan to do exactly the same, although my wife and I are planning it for right after my retirement. We’ll be moving close to one of my children who doesn’t plan to move herself (and the other child is currently closer to this location as well). She and her husband like the area they live in, have roots, she teaches in a school there, he works remotely, and much of his family has already moved there. We figure if we start now, we can build a life there, but have them close by if we do end up needing any assistance in future years. Plus, if they end up having children, we’ll be close by to be grandparents.

We’re also planning to take my Mom with us if she is still living in ~2 years or so when I retire, and adding enough to the house we are building. She and Dad finally moved down near me when their health needs were increasing, but it wasn’t until in their 80’s. Dad didn’t end up living even a year in our area, and Mom now doesn’t really have friends here (she’s good about long-distance communicating with many from around the country, though), so mostly she ends up seeing only me and my wife except when out of town family comes, which isn’t often. That’s one of the reasons we want to do the move early enough to develop a life and church relationships in the new area.

Of course, we realize that all man’s plans can come to nought, but that doesn’t mean we don’t at least attempt to plan for the future, and while I don’t look forward to a time when the kids might have to care for me, I want to do all in my power to make it easier for them.