Should Divorcees Be Forbidden to Teach or Lead in Local Churches?

It’s worth noting something a good friend of mine told me when I expressed surprise at something she knew: “it’s amazing what you find out when you ask.” I don’t know the “full story” of everybody at my church by any means, but I’m just amazed at some of the things people tell me; sexual assaults, domestic issues, you name it. I’m afraid that I’ve actually bobbled a few things where I should have acted, really.

With regards to divorce or adultery, same basic thing. A man with genuine sorrow will describe his divorce in completely different terms than a man trying to justify himself. Recently went up to a guy where I’d approached him in the parking lot—he was angrily talking with his wife and I wanted to make sure things were OK—and when I’d apologized for being suspicious, he just opened up about some of his difficulties and admitted he wasn’t “ruling his own family well.”

Four issues on divorce and remarriage:

• What the state permits
• What one’s individual conscience “permits” [eg … not that I am “looking”. I’m 43 years of happy marriage. God forbid if my wife precedes me … my personal decision is that I would never marry a divorced person]
• What a church permits
• What a pastor will permit. I personally will not officiate at 2nd marriages where divorce is involved. My own conscience will not permit it! People have gotten very ticked off at me because of this and I personally have not condemned the 2nd marriages of the divorced.

As an aside: there is no Biblical mandate for any pastor officiating at weddings.

Thanks, Aaron. Great topic and you did a fine job in such a brief space.

I think that people overlap issues. If it belongs to 1 Timothy 3, then “a bishop must be” concerns what he is (present tense “be”), not what he was (or all other qualifications would be contingent on one’s past as well).

The concern that people bring up is that there may be other issues. Divorce (as I understand it) does not automatically disqualify, but neither is it irrelevant. It must be investigated. There may be other issues that complicate matters, such as “having a good testimony with those who are without,” or “having one’s household in subjection.” There is also the issue of “no guilty party” claims, which some question. It might be also that there is just enough “baggage” that comes from divorce oftentimes that it causes ongoing issues, just because the ex and the kids are part of life.

Much has come from the misunderstanding of equating “one woman man” with “married only once.” That both downplays moral behavior and raises marital status inappropriately.

I believe that divorce does not automatically disqualify someone from ministry at any level. With all of that said, I would still hesitate to be under a pastor (placing myself in that scenario) who has had a failed marriage for whatever reason (which may indicate unfounded bias, maybe from the way I’ve been taught). Mine is not a biblical objection per se. Simply put, I would want to know that a man has exemplified himself in conduct as a divorcee over an extended period of time before placing him in some lead role.

BTW, Greg Long, Dr. Walton shared the hilarity of this issue. He stated (in a seminary Pastoral Epistles class) that divorce was seen by many as the unforgivable sin (which he did not appear to embrace), but that murder was somehow something that people would forgive after repentance. He, tongue-in-cheek, suggested that the logical path forward was murdering one’s spouse (to be clear - all in jest and illustrating the absurdity of such a view).

Again, Aaron, thanks for the post.

ok - completely disclose it at candidate process. Don’t hide it

More than once, I’ve heard the jest from the pulpit, “Divorce never, murder maybe.”

[Kevin Subra] SNIP

BTW, Greg Long, Dr. Walton shared the hilarity of this issue. He stated (in a seminary Pastoral Epistles class) that divorce was seen by many as the unforgivable sin (which he did not appear to embrace), but that murder was somehow something that people would forgive after repentance. He, tongue-in-cheek, suggested that the logical path forward was murdering one’s spouse (to be clear - all in jest and illustrating the absurdity of such a view).

Again, Aaron, thanks for the post.

I wouldn’t want a murderer for a pastor either!

“I Fear You Will Die and Go to Hell”

At that point, I felt that I needed to warn him about the danger of his soul. I said, “If I’m completely honest with you, I believe that you might follow through with this divorce. If you do, I think you just might achieve your goals. You might reach a place of happiness apart from your wife and achieve satisfaction in the remaining years of your life. You might enjoy it—however temporal it might be. The problem is, when you close your eyes for the last time, you will open them in eternity—in a place called hell.” He looked shocked. I said, “I fear you will die and go to hell.”

It’s through the covenant keeping marriage commitment that the gospel is put on display without words. If we’ve ever been given a command to preach the gospel without words, it’s within the marriage covenant. In a land saturated by no-fault divorces, the church of Jesus Christ puts on display the doctrine of Christianity through marriage faithfulness. When the sanctity of marriage is upheld among God’s people, the echo of the gospel is heard and the beauty of the gospel sparkles in the world.

We (my wife and I) know something about those vows: for better for worse, in riches or poorer, in sickness and in health.

• In our 43rd year
• Kathee has seen:
  • A husband break his neck and become paralyzed. Her parents said “ought to leave him”
  • Three neck surgeries
  • Two back surgeries
  • Two rounds of C-Diff with 6 months of missed work
  • Cancer surgery - now Stage 3
  • She’s managed to keep her vows
  • And I have too

Not moved by the article John Brian provided, though I understand it. However, the context is clearly different. The man in the article is being selfish and evil, and Buice suspected the man wasn’t even a Christian. His approach there was sound, and I agree with it. Buice suggested:

Can I be brutally honest with you today? If you’re a Christian who’s planning your divorce, you could be planning the biggest mistake of your life. Why not run to God today and plead for Him to restore your marriage? Divorce is not commanded. Divorce is a decision. Why not choose to keep your marriage vows and work passionately to restore your marriage for the glory of God?

I don’t think anybody here is suggesting otherwise.

I’m saying the ​context matters, in each individual case. At this point, any pastor can bring out a whole truckload of anecdotal stories, so I’ll share mine:

• Woman with three kids from two marriages begins going to church.
• She drags husband along. He is a loser, a drunk and he beats her. She desperately hopes church will reform him.
• They attend faithfully. I meet with them often. She is not a Christian. He claims he is. He keeps beating her. She often calls me at night, crying and asking for advice. She doesn’t want to go to the police. She’s not interested in pressing charges. I’ve been in law enforcement, so I understand the futility of even calling the police if the wife won’t cooperate.
• He leaves her for another woman and abandons the children. He robs another church and goes to jail
• I meet with him in jail several times. I tell him I won’t believe he’s a Christian until he starts acting like one. I tell him to repent. Etc., etc., etc.
• He promises he’s sorry. But, his girlfriend is on the visitor’s list, and the wife accidently runs into her while she carts their kids to see the daddy in jail.
• Meanwhile, as she lives through this hell, the wife repents, believes the Gospel, and becomes a Christian
• The husband writes a letter from jail, saying he will never return to his wife, and saying he actually loves his girlfriend.
• Wife wants divorce and asks me for advise.
• I advise her to get one.

Some time later, she meets a Christian man and wants to marry him. I marry them. Later, I am approached by an elderly, nasty man in the church who tells me:

• Her divorce wasn’t justified.
• Her remarriage isn’t justified.
• I don’t know the Scriptures
• I’m a novice.
• He tells me he almost objected at their wedding.

My response? A polite, pastoral version of, “bite me.”

In 16 years in the pastorate, I personally NEVER counseled divorce.

Multiple times I advised separation: abuse/beatings, adultery, drug abuse, prostitution

In that context, I couldn’t ignore 1 Cor 7:15. I’m willing to live with the advice I gave. Never lost an ounce of sleep over it. I don’t think a spouse ought to be trapped in a hopeless situation. This context was bad. Just to throw gasoline on the fire, I also once agreed to marry a couple who weren’t even Christians. I did it so I’d have a chance to do biblical marriage counseling and give them the Gospel over the course of 8 weeks.

In situations like these, my thought process often goes like this:

• Step 1: Knee-jerk reaction according to “the way I’ve been taught.”
• Step 2: Immediate introspection, as I’m sometimes forced to actually apply something in real life I’ve never been entirely comfortable with in theory to begin with.
• Step 3: I search the Scriptures and consider, “forget my traditions - what does the Bible actually say on this issue?”
• Step 4: I sometimes end up ditching tradition for what I believe is Scriptural.

I’ve honestly wondered whether I’m meant to be a Pastor. I can be interpreted as being unduly pragmatic on some points. I’ve always been willing to toss tradition into the trash if I didn’t feel it lined up with Scripture. I suppose that’s better than unyielding stupidity. I once knew an elderly Pastor who told me that because a Pastor had to be “blameless,” a certain man wasn’t qualified for pastoral ministry any longer. I asked, “what, exactly, do you think ‘blameless’ means?” The man replied, “it means ‘blameless!’” I pressed, “it can’t mean ‘sinless,’ can it?” The man shook his head angrily, “No, but ‘blameless’ means ‘blameless.’” Cue the Twilight Zone ​theme-song …

Bottom line, I think the divorce/remarriage issue is a land mine because of inherited traditions. I suspect many Pastors privately have other interpretations, but are afraid to even touch this third rail with a ten-foot pole. Their doctrinal statements have it, and it’ll stay that way until hell freezes over. To touch it is to invite death and dismissal - perhaps even both.

As a divorced and remarried man, I’ve hesitated to re-wade back into this. As TylerR said, “the divorce/remarriage issue is a land mine.” I’ve one-ish thought and one question.

Some have mentioned the difficulty Elders face if called to “investigate” past divorces. That’s true. I would think, though, that a man who has been divorced in the past will be exhibiting fruits of the spirit and continued growth in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ. If a brother is living a “blameless” life in other areas, why assume that he’s not telling the truth about his past divorce? Or, rather, if you are going to assume something, why not assume that he’s telling the truth? Obviously, by God’s grace, we should do our best to never assume anything when affirming Elders or calling pastors. Since we can’t see each other’s heart, this is easier if affirming Elders from among men who have already been members of your church for years. Observing their lives, their love for Jesus, their commitment to the pursuit of holiness, etc. will be much easier if affirming from within the church. If the church is hiring a new “lead” pastor from outside the existing church membership, it’s more difficult. Even in those instances, the norm, I think, should be that the pastoral candidates are intimately connected to sister churches. In those instances, shouldn’t the church leadership (and members) be doing due diligence in seeking counsel from wise, mature believers who know the brother in question?

I know that from a human standpoint, that’s all easier said than done. This is why, whenever I’m encouraged to pursue being “lead” pastor, I usually respond that my divorce is too big of a stumbling block for too many. Even though I don’t believe that my divorce/remarriage disqualifies me from ministry, I realize that many Christians do believe that. Although, on one hand, hypothetically, if I were a “lead” pastor, I would feel as if I would have to announce my divorce to every visitor. I would hate to mislead someone into knitting their heart to the church and pursuing membership, only to discover that the pastor is guilty of something that they believe is disqualifying. On the other hand, I don’t believe that I should necessarily have to do that. Almost no one expects me to disclose my other past sins, some of which would land me a book/movie deal in certain circles. Sin has consequences, and I prayerfully understand that I can’t take it personally when others believe that I have disqualified myself from the pastorate (or even from teaching). That being said, it’s never easy to experience the change from warmth to coldness that happens from time-to-time when a brother or sister in Christ finds out that I’m divorced.

One final thought along those lines before my question - the Elders of my current church (as well as my previous church) are aware of my the ins-and-outs, so to speak, of my divorce. At my membership interview, they asked me very pointed questions. Since then, I have had one-on-one conversations with them about it. However, I do not go into details about my divorce with the other members (much less other Believers who are not members of my church). When asked, I usually say something like, “Neither one of us were Christians, and there was more than enough sin to go around on both sides.” I don’t go into detail for two reasons - 1. Two people were involved, and I’m not comfortable discussing the sins of another person. Although, I understand the necessity of it in certain situations, like when discussing it with my Elders. 2. Because two people were involved, and because of the specifics, it’s too easy to inadvertently give the impression that I was more innocent than I actually was.

Which brings me to my question:

Out of curiosity, for those of you who have expressed reticence at allowing divorced men into ministry, is your perspective different if the divorce happened before the man became a Christian?

I’ve appreciated the group’s insights into the divorce/re-marriage/and wedding officiating issues.

My take on the situation is this. If we’re unsure on whether to have a church officiated ceremony, ask ourselves… Were this same proposed couple to go somewhere else and get married, would we welcome them as a couple into the church fellowship without discipline or sanction? If the answer is yes, I don’t see any reason that the church should object to the ceremony. If the answer is no, than the marriage and the officiating of the ceremony would be unbliblical.

In other words, the biblical validity of the marriage determines the willingness to perform the ceremony.

Obvious example is the case of homosexual marriage. No orthodox church would recognize the union, regardless of who performed the ceremony.

What’s interesting is to consider cases of two previously divorced people who won’t receive a church ceremony, but when they eventually do get married (by third party), they come into fellowship and are fully recognized as Mr. and Mrs. ______. In my mind, that is simply not consistent.

You wrote:

What’s interesting is to consider cases of two previously divorced people who won’t receive a church ceremony, but when they eventually do get married (by third party), they come into fellowship and are fully recognized as Mr. and Mrs. ______. In my mind, that is simply not consistent.

That’s why I had no problem marrying the divorced Christian woman, or offering to marry the non-Christian couple. I won’t marry them, but I’ll welcome them into the church with “Christian love” if they head off to the courthouse and get married there? Sure, that’s consistent …

I know folks here have a lot more experience than I do on these matters. I’m willing to be corrected, and to listen. But, I do believe churches treat this issue as a defacto unpardonable sin. We do things a certain way because “that’s just the way we have ​to do it.” Parallel example:

• I transferred to a new duty station. A young military police officer, at her first duty station, was my section’s field training officer. THat means I had to have her sign off on the location-specific training topics to get my qualifications there.
• This woman indignantly corrected me because, after I took a statement from a victim, I drew a SOLID LINE under the last paragraph, and wrote “end of statement.” She shook her head. “That’s WRONG,” she said. “It has to be a dashed line, not a solid one!” I told her, “It doesn’t matter, trust me.” She insisted, “Legal won’t accept it if it’s a solid line.” I told her, “You’re just blindly accepting what you’ve been told, but you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter what the stupid line looks like.”
• My point? She didn’t exercise critical thought, she just plunged ahead with a script she’d been given, not realizing how foolish her inflexibility made her look to a rational person.

I think our knee-jerk reaction on this issue (“NO! They CAN’T be in leadership. They’re … they’re … DIVORCED!!!!!”) is more about conditioned reactions and inherited tradition than Scripture.