Seven Ways to Leave a Church Well
“Churchgoers are not members of a country club, but rather members of the body of Christ. We should therefore stamp this image upon our hearts. If you feel called to leave a local church, here are seven things to do to ensure you leave it in the right way.” - Facts & Trends
There is no biblical instruction on leaving a church.
Wonder why that is.
Covenented?
Yes, in most churches there is a covenant that people agree to when they join. Check yours out. I imagine there is one.
If I feel the church I joined is no longer serving my needs, or my family’s needs, or for another reason, I can leave. I don’t have to petition to leave.
Yes, because the church is all about you. Forget everyone else, just make sure you take care of yourself.
Of course you can leave. No one can stop that. The question is far different than that.
[pvawter]So in your mind being a member of a church is kind of like being a member of a country club…
Not at all. If I joined a country club and quit I’d want my balance of dues back.
you guys can play holier than thou on this, but people leave for all kinds of reasons. You can’t chalk it all up to selfishness and such. Just accept it.
-Maybe people just didn’t feel welcomed.
-Maybe they didn’t like your music.
-Maybe they didn’t like that weird guy over in the corner that always asked about that thing.
-Maybe they didn’t like your boring sermons.
-Maybe they think you are too liberal!
-Maybe they think you are too conservative.
-Maybe their best friend started a church over there and they want to help out.
-Maybe there isn’t an opportunity to do anything meaningful at your church.
-Maybe they don’t like your bad breath.
–-
Who knows. They just don’t want to tell you. So what. I know it hurts, but move on. It isn’t UNBIBLICAL to leave unless you can show me a verse in Mark 17 about church membership responsibilities.
Say you started attending First Baptist two years ago. It seemed like a good place when you started attending after moving to town. After two years, you realize one day that you have no real friends there. You just never made a deep connection. You like astronomy and reading, they like hunting and fishing, say, so you never meet up. You wife works while the other wives all talk about sewing and cooking recipes. She feels left out. You also realize the pastor barely knows you and doesn’t respond to your attempts to engage, at least as you see it. The kids have no friends there. Its just never worked.
Let me ask you. Why stay? Is there some document in triplicate you signed? It didn’t work out. Move on. You can say it is to minister to others, but what about when the others don’t care if you are there? A lot of people feel that way whether you know it or not.
I’ve been in the above situation a couple of times in the last 29 years of my Christian life. Once I stayed, and stayed , and stayed. Tried everything I could think of to help it get better. Nothing. Once I left fairly quickly.
[Aaron Blumer]Yes, I do think it’s often language people use because they’ve been taught that it’s ungodly (or just less godly) to say, “I thought about it and did what made sense.”
I think Aaron meant this as a criticism, but I think that if it’s, “I thought about it with Biblical principles and did what made sense,” then it’s very appropriate to say, “I feel called.” In fact, that’s exactly when we ought to say that.
“I thought about it with Biblical principles and did what made sense,” then it’s very appropriate to say, “I feel called.” In fact, that’s exactly when we ought to say that.
Why not say, “I thought about it with bliblical principles and did what made sense”? Wouldn’t that be a whole lot better?
I was in a church one time where a group of the pastors and mature deacons set out to study the Word and reevaluate the Biblical way to do something. The study was stepwise and the results of each step were made public and discussed publicly. Some members didn’t like the result, and they left. I understood that. Then around the time when it was all done and the church (the vast majority stayed) was embracing the new path, one of the main pastors left. He had been a strong voice in the new system and without him, the other pastors basically decided not to implement the new path. It wasn’t anything drastic and I don’t think most members ever understood that they had chosen their traditional understanding over what the church had studied and embraced.
I strongly considered leaving. But I didn’t. Both the traditional path and the new path were ones that would find adherents here at SI. I was left with the impression that two of the pastors were in many ways (great disciplers, dedicated loving men) excellent shepherds. But if I had left at that time and they asked me why, the answer would have been, “You don’t seem serious about reading the Word and doing what it says.”
But after time has gone by, I’m not sure that would be fair. That men are taught things in seminary and they believe them without wanting to go back and reevaluate everything in some ways makes sense. You can’t spend your whole life studying basic underlying questions about the BEST way to do x, y, z, in the church. At some point, just get to work on the path you have. And that should be ok.
I’m generally a don’t-leave-your-church-easily guy.
[Larry]“I thought about it with Biblical principles and did what made sense,” then it’s very appropriate to say, “I feel called.” In fact, that’s exactly when we ought to say that.
Why not say, “I thought about it with bliblical principles and did what made sense”? Wouldn’t that be a whole lot better?
haha. Yeah, maybe.
[Larry]There is no biblical instruction on leaving a church.
Wonder why that is.
Larry, are you implying there is no biblical way to leave a church?
I want to be with Dan in saying I’m not one to leave a church easily, but unfortunately, I’ve had a few cases where my family has felt compelled to leave. All of them really have to do with when theology becomes deformed and the church for all practical purposes ceases to be a church. Per Larry’s comment “no Biblical instruction on how to leave a church”, you’ve got examples of people moving (e.g. Paul going to Jerusalem), and then I would have to guess that those churches described in Revelation with huge issues might have had some people rightly leaving as well.
In my life, the cases that have prompted me to leave are the neglect of the preaching ministry (seeker-sensitive to the point that nonbelievers called it “church lite”), KJVO/Trail of Blood theology becoming obvious (they didn’t fess up at first), and when the church leaders refused even to hear about problems with the teachings of a guy they were watching on video—James MacDonald.
(put differently, I’ve listened to a lot of music I detested without leaving churches, to draw the obvious picture)
Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.
Why would moving be an automatic pass in this scenario? Are you sure God told you to move? Membership is solid. You made commitments, etc. Why would God tell you to move from where you committed?
Allow me to recommend a very helpful book to all of you called “The Courageous Follower”. There is an entire section in the book about how and when it is time to take a stand, to disagree, and to push back. It is one of the most valuable resources I’ve read.
Yes, we generally sign membership covenants. But if the covenant is breached by the church itself for whatever reason, then it may obviate the covenant and lead a family to leave. That’s a major decision that must not be made hastily or carelessly, but it may need to be made.
"Our task today is to tell people — who no longer know what sin is...no longer see themselves as sinners, and no longer have room for these categories — that Christ died for sins of which they do not think they’re guilty." - David Wells
[Jay]Allow me to recommend a very helpful book to all of you called “The Courageous Follower”. There is an entire section in the book about how and when it is time to take a stand, to disagree, and to push back. It is one of the most valuable resources I’ve read.
Yes, we generally sign membership covenants. But if the covenant is breached by the church itself for whatever reason, then it may obviate the covenant and lead a family to leave. That’s a major decision that must not be made hastily or carelessly, but it may need to be made.
Then certainly, if the church violated the covenant, you’d tell them that was the reason you were leaving rather than just saying, “we feel that God is leading us away,” right?
[pvawter]Then certainly, if the church violated the covenant, you’d tell them that was the reason you were leaving rather than just saying, “we feel that God is leading us away,” right?
Sometimes you are tired after years of trying to engage with nothing happening. You’ve talked and talked and talked… yet nothing. Maybe you are not really connected with a leader, so having a meeting and saying “you do this wrong” or “I do not feel welcome” is not a fruitful conversation, especially given the 99% probability the leader is going to say you haven’t done your part without any reference to their failures :-)
Jay, are you referring to Ira Chaleff’s book? Your link didn’t work for me.
Regarding Mr. Vawter’s question, I have personally told church leaders why I was leaving those three times, and the response was generally “well, this is what we’re going to do.” It’s along the same lines as one of the best criticisms of Chaleff’s book which read to the effect of “if you do what Chaleff recommends in situations I’ve seen, you’re going to be fired, and quickly.” I personally have had situations where I’ve said things to management, knowing it might get me fired, but simultaneously knowing that if I didn’t speak up, the same thing was very likely. Ironically, “da**ed if you do, da**ed if you don’t” can be a position of real power. As Kris Kristofferson (and Janis Joplin) sang in “Bobby McGee”, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”
Mark Smith also is hinting, I believe, at some things he’s seen and experienced that church leaders ought to take seriously. They might consider him rude, but my gut feeling is that he’s just saying what a lot of people are feeling, and it has everything to do with the reasons most “church growth” these days consists of recycling members from other churches.
Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.
Discussion