"Leaving a church is hard. Don't make it harder by doing it badly."

On Thursday evening, my wife and I spent about three hours with a solid couple in their mid thirties who have left our church. My wife and I have both shed a few tears, and she is still pretty depressed. I understand why they left, and I can’t say it shouldn’t happen, but it still hurts. They both grew up in our church, where they met and eventually married. They drove thirty minutes to church for eight or nine years, and were actively involved, and a real asset. I grieve, but I must shoulder on. That’s part of the life of a pastor. There are great joys, and also deep disappointments. But, “It will be worth it all when we see Jesus.”

I suppose I can sum up my attitude by saying this:

• I really do care about people in my congregation
• But, I can’t bring myself to care if they’re determined to show they don’t care about the congregation

I can’t begin to express how deeply my experience at my last church has impacted me on this. I want people to think of the local church as a family, with all the corresponding commitments this mindset entails, united around the two core missions of (1) discipleship and (2) corporate and individual evangelism. I hate the idea of church as a social club, and I despise “traditions.”

Why are you here? Why do you attend? Why do you want to join?

I want people to love their local congregation, and that’s why I can’t bring myself to care about people who show they don’t care - especially if they’re current members. To me, if you’re a member and you leave for a bad reason and won’t listen to appeals from the pastors, then you’re being cheap and you’re a traitor to the congregation. You’re abandoning your family.

This goes back to:

1. Do you make membership meaningful in your congregation?
2. Do you have a church covenant, or an equivalent?
3. Do you hold people to a standard of commitment and behavior as a condition of membership? That is, if they disappear for weeks and months on end, do you take steps to find out any and (if necessary) remove them from the roll?
4. Do you take steps to make the ordinances meaningful in your congregation?

Or, is church membership in your congregation like a gym membership; cheap, anonymous, irrelevant and an appendage scotch-taped to your otherwise busy life?

Tyler, I understand what you are saying, and I have many of the same sentiments. But somehow, I still can’t help feeling pained when people turn their backs and leave. I agree, it’s easier to accept when they have a bad attitude. Unless that attitude changes, they would probably infect others if they stayed. But I still feel pain that they developed a bad attitude. We love you, so why don’t you love us? It hurts.

And what about those who are themselves deeply grieved, even to tears, and yet feel, after months of prayer and consideration, that it’s time for them to leave? How should I feel about those? I feel deeply pained. Feeling as they do, I really think they should stay, but can I be sure? It’s complicated at times, and no two situations are exactly alike.

Bro. Barkham wrote:

And what about those who are themselves deeply grieved, even to tears, and yet feel, after months of prayer and consideration, that it’s time for them to leave? How should I feel about those? I feel deeply pained. Feeling as they do, I really think they should stay, but can I be sure? It’s complicated at times, and no two situations are exactly alike.

I haven’t had that. I’ve only had people disappear without a word, or people who tell me they’re leaving but allow no opportunity to discuss. You’ve been at this a bit longer than me!

Tyler, I’ve had plenty of those who just disappear, as well as those who leave without willingness to discuss. When that happens, you know that there’s a problem with which they are not willing to deal. In the past I have at times, twisted arms pretty hard to require a meeting, but I’ve found that seldom turns out well. Yes, I can usually force the issue, but at what cost? That will usually make a disappointing situation even worse. In such cases, it’s probably best to just let them go.

But from time to time, I insert instructions into a sermon concerning the right way to leave a church. Also, when people leave in the right way, I hold their example before the congregation and say, in essence, “See this is how it ought to be done.” Although these measures do not prevent every improper departure, over time, they reduce the numbers. Of course, I must continually examine my own heart, to see if my attitudes are wrong.

I often wrestle with what I know about honorable ways to leave a church, and the practical demands of accepting people according to their various stages of immaturity. I try to teach the ideal, but often accept the practical. Church membership is not well understood in our day, and is usually badly practiced by most Christians and, sad to say, most churches. To do it well is like swimming up stream. I keep swimming, and am determined never to stop, but I’m also more inclined to accept less than ideal situations than I used to be. Wisdom teaches you to choose your battles carefully. Some things are worthy dying for. Others are not. Proper Biblical church membership is important, but not worth dying for. However, I’m convinced that if and when we experience genuine revival in America, healthy church membership will result. And I can’t help believing that teaching churches to practice it now may help pave the way for revival.

In the past 4 years I have left 2 churches for very different reasons. At the 1st I had been a teaching elder along with 2 others. I had stepped away from that shortly before the senior elder retired and moved away. The 2nd elder was a little too weak on some theological issues for my liking. That coupled with some changes in my personal situation caused me to be leaning towards leaving, but was hesitating because of the feeling of a sense of responsibility to the congregation. The final push for me was the decision by the 2nd elder (now the 1st) to ordain a seminary grad who had been an intern. His degree was not specifically pastoral, and he didn’t intend to seek a pastorate. He failed his 1st council, but when he was offered a teaching position out of state, he was granted ordination as a “going away present.” I wrote a letter to the elder expressing my opposition to the ordination, stating that I would absent myself from church on the Sunday of the ordination, The response from the elder gave me the “out” to leave.

The 2nd church was meeting in the same building as my work office, and I was there for 3 years. I had some concerns about their membership process, but was otherwise mostly satisfied with the church. Earlier this year they decided to move services to an elementary school to save on rent. It was a little further for me to drive, so decided not to move with the church.

I am in the membership process at a church now and hope to be received into membership before the end of the year.

I’m 55, and I’ve been at my current church since I was 37 (so 18 years). I was at a previous church from ages 17 to 37 (so 20 years). So I’ve left one church to go to another once in the last 38 years.

When I left, there was no “reason I told my pastor” vs. “the real reason;” there was simply “the real reason(s),” which I, my pastor, and anyone else interested knew.

Unlike what some of the responses in this thread seem to portray, there never was any sharp break in fellowship between me and my former pastor. Why should there be? We’re still friends. I’ve had dinner with him occasionally throughout the years. He invites me to different things, and vice versa. When my dad died in September, I called my former pastor to let him know. He came to the funeral.

What I guess I’m saying is that I don’t understand some of the behaviors that some here describe in the event that someone leaves one church for another.