How to Insult Your Pastor Creatively
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I have concluded that most church people are positive, encouraging, and supportive. Nonetheless, it generally takes at least ten encouraging things to offset one discouraging thing (this varies a lot with intensity).
The greatest discouragement most pastors face is from within the Kingdom. Jesus warned his disciples that they would have to bear insult because they belong to him (Matthew 5:11). What Jesus did not warn his disciples about is that Christians would insult fellow Christians, and particularly that Christians would insult or demoralize their leaders. I call these offenders the “ungracious ten per cent.”
Most insults are passive-aggressive—insinuation and inference. Here are some common insults—coupled with my subjective rating scale rating intent to insult.
1. All brain and no heart
“You should have been a scholar or seminary professor.”
Chance of being an insult: 67%
Some mean this as a compliment. Odds are this is a passive aggressive insult.
Interpretation: “You are not good at meeting people’s needs (or your teaching is not relevant to me); you belong with the egg heads.”
2. Preacher vs. Teacher insults
A. “You are more of a teacher than a preacher.”
Chance of being an insult: 70%
Negative Interpretation: “Your sermons are not practical (or challenging or inspiring) or they bore me.”
B. “You are more of a preacher than a teacher.”
Chance of being an insult: 70%
Interpretation: “Your sermons are too emotional and shallow in content and doctrine.”
One pastor friend chatted with two different men from his church in the same day, both of whom had set up appointments with him. One man informed the pastor he was leaving the church because the pastor’s preaching was too passionate, the other because it was not passionate enough.
3. Comparison to other pastors
A. “I love to listen to Pastor___________ on the radio. His messages really help me and motivate me to walk with the Lord.He’s the best!”
Chance of being an insult: 60%
B. “Pastor so and so (your predecessor perhaps) used to ______________, and God blessed our church more in his days.”
Chance of being an insult: 95%
C. “At my friend’s church, the pastor is involved in practically helping the community.”
Chance of being an insult: 95%
Interpretation: “You are inferior to the radio pastor or your predecessor or my friend’s pastor, so you should either leave so we can get a better pastor or work hard at imitating him.”
Many people do not realize how intensely insulting it is to suggest you surrender your personality and become a robot or actor who imitates another.
Could you imagine a pastor telling a member the following? “You should be like Mrs. Smith. She volunteers for every ministry, has a beautiful voice, never misses church, is always on time, tithes, and has never gossiped or complained.”
4. Implications of failure, and the pastor is to blame.
A. “People are saying that the church is declining or losing quality under your ministry.”
Chance of being an insult: 95%
Interpretation: “I believe the church is declining under your ministry and it is your fault.”
There are few insults more cowardly than the “people are saying” insult. Another variation is, “The church is growing numerically under your leadership, but people are saying the type of people we are drawing are shallow or odd.”
Sometimes baseball teams lose, not because they have a bad manager, but because they have bad players, or their players have been injured (unfortunate circumstances). The same can be true in a church.
B. “We need to the get the Holy Spirit’s power and passion back in our church.”
Chance of being an insult: 85%.
Interpretation: “You are not a Spirit-filled man or leader. You are leading the church downward because you don’t have the relation to the Holy Spirit that I do.”
A theological agenda or an attitude of superiority is often hidden in such statements.
C. “That church over there is growing leaps and bounds. Why can’t we?”
Chance of being an insult: 50% (might not be directed at the pastor)
This is not always an insult, sometimes simply the expression of frustration the person feels when comparing his church to another.
Negative Interpretation: “You are not in tune with God or are not diligent enough or a strong enough leader; if you were, our church would be growing numerically.”
The belief that bigger is better remains to be proven. By such a standard, Jesus was a major flop as a shepherd (John 6:66).
4. Bolder Insults
A. “Today’s sermon was better.”
Chance of being an insult: 99%
This is very different from saying, “I really enjoyed today’s sermon,” or “Better than usual.” In that case, the baseline might be “good” or at least “fair.” In the quotation above, the baseline is “poor.”
Interpretation: “Hallelujah—finally a decent sermon out of you. It wasn’t great, but better than your usual flop. Your sermons are typically poor.”
B. “I was just teasing. Can’t you take a joke?”
Chance of being an insult: 85%
Interpretation: “I am too cowardly to insult you directly, so I do it indirectly. If you are offended, I can escape responsibility by claiming it as a joke and put you in the hot seat instead of me, accusing you of being a poor sport.”
C. This is a generalized insult not directed toward the pastor (supposedly), but actually is so directed. “America has too many pastors who think they own their churches and won’t share authority.”
Chance of being an insult: 75%
Interpretation: “You are one of them and need to be reined in” (probably spoken from someone who has an agenda and actually needs to be reined in himself).
5. Family insults
These can be directed at the pastor’s wife or the pastor’s children. Nothing nastier than attacking a pastor through his family.
“The pastor’s wife in the church down the block volunteers for our club. She believes in getting out into the community.”
Chance of being an insult: 99%
Interpretation: “Your wife is a loser as a pastor’s wife. We own you and your family.”
6. Praising someone who has hurt the pastor badly
“That person (who hurt you badly) is really a great Christian guy who really cares about this church.”
Chance of being an insult: 50%
Sometimes a comment like this is based upon the misguided belief that talking kindly about someone who hurt you will help you to like him or her. People often fail to realize that this just rubs salt in the wounds.
Negative interpretation: “That guy is right and you are wrong. I’m with him.”
7. Broadcasting disagreement with the pastor
From the platform/microphone,“I know our pastor doesn’t’ believe in (getting emotional, healing prayer, the Holy Spirit, revival, etc.), but I see it this way.”
Chance of being an insult: 90%
Interpretation: “The pastor is defective in his thinking, theology, or practice. I want you all to know it.” There is a 10% chance the person is just incredibly ignorant.
8. Negative Assumption Insults
A. “I thought you might be willing to take on this or that, since you have the time.”
Chance of being an insult: 80%
Interpretation: “Pastors have little to do with lot of free time, unlike ‘we who work for a living.’” No other way to interpret this one. The truth is that most ministers have to switch hats so often and squeeze their schedules for an amazing amount of tasks. Flexibility of schedule, however, is a great benefit. But it doesn’t mean we work fewer hours (we don’t), and it certainly doesn’t mean we have less stress!
The reason I allowed for 20% otherwise is to make room for new believers or people who have never done much with the church.
B. “I know you wanted to get the funeral, but they wanted another minister to do it.”
Chance of being an insult: 50%
I have been insulted many times this way, mostly by people who do not know me and perhaps either are not involved in church nowadays or never were.
Negative Interpretation: “I know you ministers love the money from doing a few minutes work at a funeral.” Or, “I know you are in a competition with other ministers, and you lost this one, buddy.”
Positive Interpretation: “I don’t want you to feel rejected or unappreciated because I know you cared about that person.”
Most ministers have a holy jealousy for their flock, but they do not stand ready to pounce on an opportunity to officiate a funeral to pick up an honorarium, as cynics believe.
Conclusion
In this world of ours, insulting and being insulted is part of life. We all must develop a thick skin, but even thick skins can be pierced and feel pain.We all slip up, but we must heed the Scriptures, which tell us to “show perfect courtesy toward all people” (ESV, Titus 3:2).
Pastors deserve the same courtesies we show to other people, and perhaps a little more: “respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you” (1 Thess. 5:12). The good news is that the overwhelming majority of believers treat their pastors with great compassion and respect. The bad news is that some do not.
Ed Vasicek Bio
Ed Vasicek was raised as a Roman Catholic but, during high school, Cicero (IL) Bible Church reached out to him, and he received Jesus Christ as his Savior by faith alone. Ed earned his BA at Moody Bible Institute and served as pastor for many years at Highland Park Church, where he is now pastor emeritus. Ed and his wife, Marylu, have two adult children. Ed has published over 1,000 columns for the opinion page of the Kokomo Tribune, published articles in Pulpit Helps magazine, and posted many papers which are available at edvasicek.com. Ed has also published the The Midrash Key and The Amazing Doctrines of Paul As Midrash: The Jewish Roots and Old Testament Sources for Paul's Teachings.
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People have long avoided speaking truthfully, and our culture and every culture rewards this. Sadly, pastors, laymen, lost people, famous people and the man on the street are all conditioned to lie in varying degrees. And we are usually unaware of how much we lie.
Pastors can be as bad or worse; some are. Some pastors and churches put a high premium upon pretending: pretending to always be joyful, always be spiritual, never losing their temper, worrying, or a host of other vices, real or imagined.
My article is just about one form of that — passive aggressive insults, insults that masquerade as something else.
But we don’t have to propagate the problem. Well, that’s not really true, either. It might be better to say that we don’t have to propagate the problem as much as we do. Direct communication that is both kind but true is what we need (Proverbs 3:3-4). We all have an instinct to lie when we are insulted, for example, saying we were not. Why do we lie? Pride. We want to think we are above feeling insulted. It takes great humility to admit that, yes, it did hurt (or irritate) us. We also say we forgive when we have not. Instead of saying, “I will forgive you, but I am not there yet,” we don’t want to appear ungracious, so we say, “I forgave you then” when this is simply not true. Until we learn to talk honestly to ourselves and then to others, innuendos, hints, implications, and question marks will continue to dot our conversation.
I don’t think we can attain to full truthfulness in this life, but we can make great strides. Many of you can testify of that reality. We need to help one another learn to speak the truth. The best of us and the worst of us do not always do so. And often we are not conscious of the problem; we think we are being kind when we are really being dishonest.
Ron Bean said:
And there are pastors who will not tolerate criticism. They will burn members who may have a legitimate criticism and those members will carry the scars to their next church.
That is true. I have known of situations where that has happened.
The liklihoood of this, however, depends upon the group you hang out with. Certain types of churches do draw and propagate ultra-authoritarian pastors, as was the case a couple of decades ago with the Sword of the Lord bunch and seen in the personality cult churches today. Some view haughtiness as a virtue. Sadly, some people are drawn to a church precisely because of an authoritarian pastor. Many laymen believe the “higher level of humanity” myth and seek pastors who are self-assured and have easy answers to all of life’s problems.
These harsh pastors, however, thrive in environments where that quality is appreciated. “The weak enslave themselves,” Lord Acton said.
So Ron, your point is well taken.
"The Midrash Detective"
Jim Peet, your account is amazing. I could say much about it, obviously (Am I ever at a loss for words? No. I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle). Suffice it to say that so many people do not investigate the history of what has happened in the past before they make decisions. This results in our churches reinventing the wheel time and time again. The assumption that previous generations were foolish and did the things they did for no reason is hard to overcome.
First, investigate the past rationale for what has been done and familiarize yourself with all the parties involved who will be affected by your decisions. THEN legislate!
Jim Peet, you are a man I greatly respect, even more so after hearing about your story.
"The Midrash Detective"
There’s a temptation on a topic like this to think there are two sides: a “pro-pastor” side and an “anti-pastor” side. But a good fact to keep us anchored is simply this:
Congretations = human. Pastors = human.
… and all that that implies.
So I wish I could say that in my experience pastors are more often unfairly criticized than fairly criticized. But I can’t say that. I also can’t say pastors are more often improperly sensitive. Pretty sure both pastors and church members tend to stumble in these ways about as much as all humans do.
I’m not being hysterical. I’m just “bein’ real” about the kind of struggles you’ll face in the ministry.
This was not my experience. Fear of that kept me out of pastoral ministry for several years, but it eventually seemed wrong to stay out for that reason. In 13 years of full time pastoral ministry, did I get a few jabs. Sure. I’ve gotten twice as many in my non-pastoral roles!
So I just want to say to young would-be pastors, yes, it can be rough “out there.” But it isn’t always like that. I am not in pastoral ministry now, but it is certainly not because church members treated me badly. I was continually amazed at how little of that I experienced. I expected far worse.
Is that exceptional? I don’t really know. It would be a great D.Min. study for someone to do primary research on—and try to get enough data to do some kind of control for “pastor’s fault” factors.
As for hints and indirect criticisms in general: My rule is usually if you don’t say it to me plainly it just doesn’t count. It didn’t happen. I just don’t try to parse ambiguous statements for criticisms. It’s not because of some noble wisdom on my part—I just have poor conversational inference skills. So I try to let folks know that if they aren’t saying it to me outright, they should assume I have no idea. :-) (Some are so wired for subtext they simply refuse to believe me. But it’s true.)
Similarly, if I’m not saying it to them outright—it’s very unlikely that I’m trying to imply something. I’m just pretty much a fish out of water if I get involved in the whole realm of conversational subtext.
(This should not be confused with lack of tact and courtesy, which I’m sure I’m sometimes guilty of. Tact and courtesy are about respect and gentleness. Subtext and implication are something else. But they can sound very similar on the receiving end, I think.)
Views expressed are always my own and not my employer's, my church's, my family's, my neighbors', or my pets'. The house plants have authorized me to speak for them, however, and they always agree with me.
I wrote earlier:
I’m not being hysterical. I’m just “bein’ real” about the kind of struggles you’ll face in the ministry.
Then Aaron wrote:
This was not my experience. Fear of that kept me out of pastoral ministry for several years, but it eventually seemed wrong to stay out for that reason. In 13 years of full time pastoral ministry, did I get a few jabs. Sure. I’ve gotten twice as many in my non-pastoral roles!
You were very fortunate. Or I was very unfortunate. I’m not sure which! My experience is that my secular co-workers at my new job are much nicer than many of the people from the church I left.
I’ll add this caveat - I did not write my warnings out of bitterness. I think men really need to be sure of what they’re getting into. Ministry is a blessing, but it can also destroy you, depending on what your church is like. Men should know that. Wives should know that.
My wife was nearly destroyed by the wickedness and evil at our former church. I’ve sworn to her I’ll never make her be a “Pastor’s wife” again. We’ve agreed to stay in ministry, but find another route than traditional Pastoral ministry. Thus, we’re planning on returning to the Navy on active-duty so I can be a Chaplain in a few years.
For anybody who reads this and wants to go into the ministry - be sure can’t do anything else. It is a great blessing to teach, preach and shepherd God’s people. But, know this - people will hate you. Church members will hate you. People will slander you. They will hate your wife. They will hate your children. They will gossip about you. They will attack you. Some will attempt to destroy you. The Apostle John’s warnings (1 Jn 2:19) will become very real. You might not see much of this. But, you might see a whole lot of it.
My warnings of doom are over. Here is a picture of a kitten to brighten the mood.
Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and works in State government.
Tyler, I’m so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I’m afraid the cause of Christ has lost a much needed good man for the essential role of pastor. I could well imagine your experience being mine in some of the churches I candidated in my early years, but God kindly spared me and led me to greener pastures. Against my initial inclination, God led me to plant a new church with a small group of people coming out of a nasty church split. I was young, and they were hurting. We grew together. I could tell my share of war stories, but in the main, it has been a gratifying experience. I learned to hunker down and keep preaching the Word whenever opposition surfaced, and God always brought us through. Yes, like Jim Peet, I have developed rather thick skin, and sometimes wish it were not so thick, but God used that to enable me to survive and persevere.
To young aspiring pastors, please don’t run away because of horror stories. God doesn’t promise us an easy path, but He promises to sustain us and work all events for our good. Pastoring is a difficult role, but I can think of nothing I would rather do, and now, after forty-three years at the same church, I am blessed and content beyond all measure.
G. N. Barkman
Guys, I think the truth is that our experiences vary, even though we have had much in common.
Mine has not been as negative as Tyler’s or Jim’s, and I don’t know what happened to Aaron that he got off so easy! I have gone through many eras barely hanging in there, but not like the situations those guys faced.
One of my opening points about insults (and insults are discouraging but certainly not the worst things we pastors may go through) is that it is the “ungracious 10%.” All it takes to make bad trouble and make a pastor’s life (or his wife’s life) miserable is one nasty person and lay leadership that will not crack down on that person. Sometimes it is one or two families. I have read that it is usually about 4 people that drive a pastor out of a church. Of course, this could not happen if the other members rose up against those four. And, in some cases, they do, PTL!
Just as hypocrites in the church seem so out of place, so do the nasty things that people do to pastors and their families. There are many nasty people in our world, they just seem out of place in the kingdom. But, in both cases, that is a reality we have to face and accept. But again, we need to remember, they are the few, not the many.
"The Midrash Detective"
Bro. Barkman wrote:
To young aspiring pastors, please don’t run away because of horror stories. God doesn’t promise us an easy path, but He promises to sustain us and work all events for our good.
I do agree with this statement with all my heart! I shall now leave the conversation so it can return to happier things …
Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and works in State government.
I have had experiences similar to Tyler’s. After three bad church experiences, I was still looking for a place to pastor while my wife, who understood the situation better than I, was willing to follow me but praying for God to close doors and open my eyes.
At my lowest point I essentially gave up, donated my extensive theological library to a seminary, and decided to just “find a church and sit in a pew” and take a secular job.
God led us to a church that was healthy and allowed us to heal. He then directed us to a young church plant where some of the members had grown up in strife-filled churches and were determined to “do church better”. I’m now an elder in that church and working in a secular job where I’m treated better than I ever was in ministry.
"Some things are of that nature as to make one's fancy chuckle, while his heart doth ache." John Bunyan
To desire the office of a bishop is an honorable thing. Thank you for desiring to serve the body of Christ.
If you find yourself in a church and for whatever reason you don’t like the pastor or can’t get along with him. LEAVE rather than running him and his family over…
It’s not even funny anymore. I used to laugh…..now I groan…….So everytime we at IBL (Institute of Biblical Leadership) help a ministry assess strengths and weaknesses…..almost always someone mentions that we struggle with communication. So I’m always kind but I want to say something like, “get in line Nimrod!” ……everybody struggles with communication.” It’s not that it doesn’t need to be worked on but the bad news is it will never perfectly be fixed!……NEVER. I often stop the group and say “in my experience the major problem of communication is not that we don’t say what’s going on…..it’s that people don’t care to listen…..or pay attention” and then when something comes up on them at the last minute they accuse others for not communicating…..when really their problem was they were to busy gossiping (or sharing) with their neighbor when Pastor Stan made that announcement 4 weeks ago! Oh brother! A quick story…..In one setting an offer was made to the person complaining about the failure of communication - the offer was to make the guy complaining that the ministry would make him the “Czar of communication” in that ministry. He declined the offer…..he was too busy to help…..not to busy to complain! So the thing I often say is “every ministry struggles with communication.” Let’s think of two or three ways we can improve our communication. If the team we are working with has the time……we appoint a leader who will be accountable to implement the change by a given date. Then we move on………to the real unique challenges of that ministry.
Oh great post Ed…..I laughed all the way through the article - you are right on the money! I’ve seen and heard every one of your examples…..only after 25 years of pastoral ministry.
Straight Ahead!
jt
Dr. Joel Tetreau serves as Senior Pastor, Southeast Valley Bible Church (sevbc.org); Regional Coordinator for IBL West (iblministry.com), Board Member & friend for several different ministries;
[Mark_Smith]If you find yourself in a church and for whatever reason you don’t like the pastor or can’t get along with him. LEAVE rather than running him and his family over…
This is absolutely true, but it strikes me as a dilemma that can be avoided if only people will (per Ed) learn to handle conflict Biblically. In other words, what are the reasons that the pastor and certain parishioners cannot get along? Sometimes it is a matter of doctrine, but quite often, it’s really an issue of handling issues in a Biblical manner. I’ve seen issues blow up simply because one side simply doesn’t understand what the other side is saying. In other cases, it’s because a legitimate concern gets obscured in some fairly inflammatory language.
Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.
In reading the comments above, I’ve wondered to myself if being a bi-vocational pastor would make a difference in the quantity and type of criticism one received or in how one received/responded to the criticism. For example, if my income is not dependent on the church, would I be more likely to let criticism roll off my back or more likely to confront trouble makers, etc.?
Yes, I believe it would make a substantial difference. This is one reason why I now believe a bi-vocational, dual elder scenario may be a much better option for some smaller (and bigger?) churches.
Tyler is a pastor in Olympia, WA and works in State government.
Bert said, “what are the reasons that the pastor and certain parishioners cannot get along?”
That is a good starting point, especially if all involved are reasonable and of moderate personality. But often we are not in the realm of logic; what is presented is not always the real problem. Some people are convinced that logic is on their side, and any disagreement with them is a disagreement with logic.
There are also some people (but, again, a small percentage) who have personal problems that make reconciliation difficult or impossible. We are all damaged people, yet some people are more extreme than others in their personal defects, obsessions, or intense self-focus. Troubled people can easily trouble others, and the saying is also frequently true: “hurt people hurt people.”
We do it to others, they do it to us; it is a matter of degree, frequency, and intensity.
"The Midrash Detective"
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