Homeschooling: Why We Did It, Why We Stopped
If you’re a parent wrestling with the pros and cons of educational options for your children, my wife and I can sympathize. A few weeks ago we officially enrolled in a local Christian school (a classical academy). It will be the first year our children have attended school outside of our home.
So why have we quit? Why did we choose homeschooling in the first place? Perhaps the answers to these questions will be helpful to some parents who are trying to sort out what they ought to do.
Why we homeschooled
Four reasons come to mind when I look back on why we chose homeschooling.
Reason 1: the extreme moldability of very young minds
Our children are now ages nine and twelve. But when we began homeschooling, our oldest was five. We were not about to place them under the tutelage of adults who hold to views completely different from ours on who we humans are, how we got here, what life is all about and what distinguishes right from wrong.
An old adage says the important things are more caught than taught. It’s an oversimplification, perhaps, but there is a lot of truth in it. Attitudes, values, priorities, the often-unstated principles we base our evaluations and choices on—these are the most basic and pervasive components of thinking Christianly, and they are more observed and absorbed than studied. (I realize you can think Christianly without being born again and loving the Lord. Neither of these is a substitute for the other.)
My wife and I continue to believe that placing young children in a godless environment for 35 hours a week 9 months of the year and planning to counter that influence at home and church is naïve. Parents have enough of a challenge dealing with the sinful inclinations that are standard equipment with kids.
When it comes to shaping how kids look at the world and their place in it and how they view God and their relationship to Him, their first “thinking years” may well be the most important ones of their entire “educational experience.” If that’s the case (and I make no claim to having proof that it is), it makes sense for parents to handle that early education process personally if they can.
Reason 2: “because we can”
I don’t know what adventurer is supposed to have been the first to say “because it’s there” when asked why he wanted to climb a high mountain—and in reference to mountain climbing, that never seemed like much of a reason to me! But when it comes to homeschooling, a variation of that reason is a strong justification: “because we can.”
Not everybody can homeschool. For some, just keeping food on plates and clothes on backs requires dual incomes, and neither parent can stay home and teach. I believe there are far fewer of these than make the claim, but I accept that they exist.
Others have the time but simply lack the skill. It’s hard to imagine a parent who cannot handle kindergarten and first grade, but I’ve met a few whom I would not advise to attempt homeschooling beyond that point. Doing the job well requires personal discipline, a solid grasp of reading and writing, and at least a willingness to learn a bit about “how to teach” (if the parent doesn’t already grasp that intuitively).
And it requires a solid understanding of the basics of “how to parent” as well—a skill set that seems to be on the wane. Parents who do not understand that they are in charge and also understand how to behave like they’re in charge cannot operate an effective learning environment.
In the case of our family, my wife was apprehensive. But we were pretty sure we could do it for a few years. We both have college degrees and experience working with children in teaching situations. And though being in charge has never been easy, we understood what it meant and the basics of how to carry it out.
Reason 3: the non-problem of socialization
It’s a common stereotype that homeschooled kids are isolated and, as a result, do not learn how to relate to their peers. The stereotype is not entirely unwarranted. I’ve met some very shy and backward homeschooled kids. But when I reflect on the most socially unskilled kids I’ve known over the years, many of them were not homeschooled.
If isolation is the cause of social backwardness, how can it be that any public or Christian school educated kids are socially clumsy recluses? The situation must be more complex than that.
It’s been my experience that homeschooling intensifies both the strengths and the weaknesses of the homeschooling family. So, in addition to genetic factors and who knows what else, kids acquire distant and awkward social habits because they are members of families that are socially distant and awkward. And in many cases, no school can do anything about that.
In our case, we found that our children quickly made friends everywhere they met other kids, whether at playground visits, libraries, clinic waiting rooms or church activities. Though our church hasn’t provided a large number of opportunities to interact with other children, it has provided some, and the homeschool years have included frequent visits from neighborhood kids who came over to play—usually several times a week for several hours.
I don’t personally believe that “socialization” is the great evil that many homeschoolers seem to think. The term is widely misunderstood. But “socialization” in the sense of “learning how to behave in groups of people who are not your family members,” is not inherently prevented by homeschooling. A little extra effort is required for homsechoolers to accomplish that kind of socialization, but not much. In any case, the practice of bunching kids with other kids exactly their own age for just about all of their waking hours is way overrated.
Reason 4: lack of alternatives
My wife and I both attended Christian schools for most of our own education. Our parents made major sacrifices in order to accomplish that. Now it’s our turn. But when our kids first reached schooling age, the only Christian schools we were aware of (that were even sort of nearby) were just not a good fit with us philosophically. Though we both experienced some years in schools with very legalistic environments (“legalistic” here means “resembling legalism”) and came out of those experiences mostly sound in heart and mind, a legalistic environment wasn’t an option that commended itself as long as homeschooling was possible.
The cost of Christian school tuition appeared to be impossible for us to handle as well.
Why we stopped homeschooling
A combination of factors brought us to the decision to enroll the kids in a Christian school. For one, it became increasingly difficult to keep them at grade level in a couple of important subjects. For another, our oldest has reached an age where the parent-child dynamic is sufficiently challenging without being within the same couple thousand square feet of living space all day every day. Since both kids are now older and thinking more independently, the urgency of shaping attitudes and values personally isn’t what it was either. Of course, we don’t expect to delegate that to others entirely any time this side of their adulthood, but we do expect to do so increasingly as they mature.
These factors prompted me to take a look at the educational-options landscape again and see what might be available. When I discovered a Christian classical academy thirty minutes from our home, things appeared to be coming together. Meetings and interviews grew our confidence that this was worth a serious try. The school is small enough to have many of the advantages of the homeschool, but staffed well enough to offset the weaknesses of our particular homeschool. The idea of even older old-fashioned learnin’ than what I received growing up added to the appeal.
We still don’t really know exactly how we’re going to pay for it (let’s not tell the school board about that, OK?). But sometimes you decide first what you value and commit to it, and figure out the financing on the way.
We continue to believe homeschooling—even through high school—is a great option for many families. And I’m convinced that even though homeschooling has become very popular, it is still an underused option for kids’ early years. But schooling at home “all the way” isn’t for everyone. We’re looking forward to working with our new educational partners.
Aaron Blumer, SI’s site publisher, is a native of lower Michigan and a graduate of Bob Jones University (Greenville, SC) and Central Baptist Theological Seminary (Plymouth, MN). He, his wife, and their two children live in a small town in western Wisconsin, where he has pastored Grace Baptist Church (Boyceville, WI) since 2000. Prior to serving as a pastor, Aaron taught school in Stone Mountain, Georgia and worked in customer service and technical support for Unisys Corporation (Eagan, MN). He enjoys science fiction, music, and dabbling in software development.
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it’s really sticky when a church teaches about parenting IN THAT, they usualy choose a curriculum that’s slated to be taught in a church/group setting, and they probably only teach one “style” or method or Expert-Person’s stuff.
I’d think that ideallly (?), a church could have several styles of parenting taught b/c really, different people need different things. And because no one parenting expert has it all done right.
like theologically, i am OK with using “behaviorism” in some ways. but i do honestly try to avoid using the word “punishment” when dealing with misbehavior. (I know i’m going to be cremated for this.) I dish out “consequences.” Because theologically, I am not punished for my sins … am I? Christ was punished for my sins, and if my kids become believers, He was punished for their sins, too. I have consequences for my sins, but not punishment. That statement could be incorrect, i have never picked it apart extremely, but i think that’s the way it works theologically.
I grew up always thinking of God as this judging, condemning God, even after I was his child for so long, so i have had to think about that. (i’m not sure why i always thought that; my parents are not that way.)
Also, I think one hard thing about parenting is that you (and your kids) see you at your worst, or see who you really are. And that’s hard to look at. So maybe parents run away from that, from the guilt of it or having to change. I know I had a lot more unpleasant thoughts and revelations about myself as a parent than pleasant, but that improves as the Lord transforms me. But it’s not easy.
also, while i’m rambling on here … did you know that the average child receives 2,000 compliance requests per day? that is utterly amazing. That’s a good thing to be aware of when going around the day with your kids. how would i feel if someone told me what to do 2.000/day? … how can i help my kid with this as his/her parent? … .
anyway …
But when those things are understood, there is alot of room on details.
“Punishment”… I don’t think it’s a bad thing to avoid the term, especially for that reason. Though I don’t have a problem with using it either. Though I am not punished as God’s child because Christ took the punishment in my place, the parent-child relationship isn’t the same relationship as the believer-God relationship.
But when I think about it, I don’t think we have ever really called it anything. We just try to communicate that “If you do this, this is what will happen.” So I guess I’m mostly a “consequences” guy after all.
But if the consequence is negative, proportionate, consistently employed and taught ahead of time, it’ll have some desired effects even if we call it “fun time.” :D
This gives me an idea… (thanks Anne!). I always feel hesitant to do “how to parent” stuff because I feel like my own execution is so flawed. But I do believe I could do something along the line of “10 Most Common Parenting Mistakes” because I’ve made ‘em all and I know.
Views expressed are always my own and not my employer's, my church's, my family's, my neighbors', or my pets'. The house plants have authorized me to speak for them, however, and they always agree with me.
[Aaron Blumer] I believe there is a great deal that is style independent. And some of the trendier “styles” are not going to have much of a shelf life, because they’re based incorrect beliefs about the nature of children and the responsibilities of parenting.so do you have examples of this? i would like to hear them.
But when those things are understood, there is alot of room on details.
[Aaron Blumer] I always feel hesitant to do “how to parent” stuff because I feel like my own execution is so flawed. But I do believe I could do something along the line of “10 Most Common Parenting Mistakes” because I’ve made ‘em all and I know.um, i could probably list about 40 common mistakes, but i guess that’s a little unwieldy for an article or sermon …
[Anne Sokol] well, i’m porbally going to get shot, but i do mean these things just tentatively from my own thinking and reading about parenting… .I don’t think anyone should teach a parenting style- specific Scriptural commands first, then Biblical parenting principles, and then wisdom gained from personal experience- those are all important and beneficial in the right order of importance. But other than the obvious, I don’t think anyone can really lay down a list of particulars that every family can or should follow. Some aspects of parenting must remain the purview of each individual family based on their needs, abilities, and resources.
it’s really sticky when a church teaches about parenting IN THAT, they usualy choose a curriculum that’s slated to be taught in a church/group setting, and they probably only teach one “style” or method or Expert-Person’s stuff.
I’d think that ideallly (?), a church could have several styles of parenting taught b/c really, different people need different things. And because no one parenting expert has it all done right…
It’s true that some churches have that dynamic, where everyone lives on a farm and raises llamas, or folks believe children should remain at home until marriage. And that’s not always bad- if we believe in freedom of association, it shouldn’t be surprising the birds of a feather flock together, and it’s nice to have the understanding and support of people who’ve come to the same conclusions in good conscience before God. As long as they don’t harass people who’ve made different choices (that aren’t contrary to Scripture), I enjoy hearing how families operate and interact.
That’s what’s nice about the OP- reading about a family that has made some thoughtful choices based on their goals, needs, abilities, and available resources.
i’m not sure what we mean wehn we talk about style, which is why we should name specifics, i think.
another theological issue i have with some christian parenting experts: making obedience the main issue in parenting. This is very common and seems very biblical. but i really dont think it is. (disclaimer: I DO teach my children to obey.)
the logic seems to go this way: your children will obey God like they obey you, so teach them to obey. that’s the #1 thing. And then there are various ways parents are trained to teach their children to obey.
but if i look at how God parents me now, today, as his child, is my obedience the number 1 thing to him? and then, how does he teach me to obey? for example, first-time obedience or whack for you?
my obedience is not the #1 thing to God. Also, he is the perfect combination of patient, merciful, gracious, yes-you-have-consequences,-but-I’m-here-with-you, and yes you can seek to understand me more through this, and yes, i will empower you to obey me even though it hurts, yes you can always trust God—your faith is what pleases him. your sin is not the end of the world, you can repent and i will redeem it… . anyone have a biblical parenting book or course teaching me more about this? i really need it.
Even though education is an aspect of parenting, classical education IMO is not a parenting style. The desire for one’s child to be educated using the classical method, and having a foundation in Greek and Latin may be influenced and guided by the principles that the family believes are important. It is often assumed that homeschooling families are by default swinging off the same tree, but I don’t consider it a parenting style any more than private or public schooling is a parenting style.
- Kids should never be sent to their rooms or a place of solitude as discipline (this is banishment and it’s evil)
- Disagreements between parents and children should be resolved using a peer mediation approach (Now, junior, I realize that from your point of view, it’s great fun to play ball on the highway, and of course your opinion is completely valid. It wansn’t my intention to anger you when I yelled “Get out of the road!” at you. Will you forgive me? Perhaps we can work out our differences and arrive at an agreement that makes us both happy.)
- Of course, there’s the old never ever, ever hit a child for any reason. (This results in serial killers and school shootings… [never mind that we’ve had more school shootings since people stopped spanking than we ever had when kids got ‘licks’ for their offenses] )
- Children should be encouraged to freely express their feelings whenever they don’t like what you are telling them to do/not do (That’s right, sweetheart, just tell mommy how much you hate her and wish you could kill her. It’s good to be honest about your feelings.)
- You should not read your kids’ emails because they have a right to privacy [I can buy this one, IF the child doesn’t know ahead of time that you are going to monitor communication. They should know this up front or it’s kind of a dirty trick. But apart from that, no, kids do not have a right to privacy from their parents. I do think it’s prudent to give privileges in this area as they get older—but they are privileges, not rights. ]
Some of this can be answered from Scripture. Much of it just requires common sense and a little respect for history.
When I talk about things that should be same regardless of style, I mean things like:
1. Require child to look you in the eye and listen when you are instructing
2. Require child to verbally acknowledge instructions when the above isn’t possible (too far away, or already doing something you told them to do, etc.)
3. Arguing not permitted (I’ve seen different approaches for making that work. Phrase I use quite often to end arguments between kids and their mom: “Accept your mother’s instruction!” In our house, we’re all headstrong, so we all like to have the last word. :) But a child does not get to have the last word. Of course, the difference between argument and “I’m just saying” is often murky. But “Kid does not get to have last word” is one to live by, IMO)
4. Behavior that is rude/disturbing/irritating to surrounding adults not allowed to continue (it’s amazing how many parents don’t seem to believe this anymore). If necessary, remove child from the presence of those who are having to endure his/her behavior.
5. Absolutely never beg, plead or try to talk child into obedience. (Parent is in charge. He/she requires obedience and insists on it, doesn’t beg and bribe and then shrug helplessly if kids are defiant.)
I’m also tempted to add that “Because I said so” is a really good answer. At some point we all have to learn that there are people who are wiser and better informed than we are, and if childhood isn’t the time to learn that, when should it be learned? (Of course, I do also believe in having lots of open and honest “why” conversations, but not when I’m giving instructions. “Do it now—i.e., act like my being twenty years your senior means I know what I’m doing—and and we can talk about why later.”)
I suppose all this sounds terribly harsh by today’s standards, but there it is. I have a hat that says “#1 Dad” on it. It should probably say “Draconian Dad.” I’d be OK with that. J-) (Oddly, my kids don’t think I’m a big meany. I have a theory—probably owe it to somebody I read—that when parents try to avoid being authoritative, what they really do is set up scenarios in which their frustration grows until it comes out in angry outbursts and other destructive ways. Better to be in control and diffuse a whole lot of the tension up front so that there is not so much conflict.)
We’re a bit off topic here but I don’t mind if nobody else does.
Views expressed are always my own and not my employer's, my church's, my family's, my neighbors', or my pets'. The house plants have authorized me to speak for them, however, and they always agree with me.
[Anne Sokol] setting myself up for target practice here …Anne, you won’t get any potshots from me…I’ve thought along these lines as well, especially as regards your previous comments about “punishment.” I have tried to avoid using that word with my own children, preferring words like discipline and…I really don’t know what else, because, like Aaron, we don’t really call “it” anything other than what the specific consequence is. The kids have just grown up knowing that their actions bring consequences, for good or ill.
i’m not sure what we mean wehn we talk about style, which is why we should name specifics, i think.
another theological issue i have with some christian parenting experts: making obedience the main issue in parenting. This is very common and seems very biblical. but i really dont think it is. (disclaimer: I DO teach my children to obey.)
the logic seems to go this way: your children will obey God like they obey you, so teach them to obey. that’s the #1 thing. And then there are various ways parents are trained to teach their children to obey.
but if i look at how God parents me now, today, as his child, is my obedience the number 1 thing to him? and then, how does he teach me to obey? for example, first-time obedience or whack for you?
my obedience is not the #1 thing to God. Also, he is the perfect combination of patient, merciful, gracious, yes-you-have-consequences,-but-I’m-here-with-you, and yes you can seek to understand me more through this, and yes, i will empower you to obey me even though it hurts, yes you can always trust God—your faith is what pleases him. your sin is not the end of the world, you can repent and i will redeem it… . anyone have a biblical parenting book or course teaching me more about this? i really need it.
I agree with almost all you’ve said about how God relates to us as his children…except I’m not sure about the idea that obedience to him isn’t of primary importance. No, we are not saved or sanctified by obedience, per se…but, really, shouldn’t our lives, out of love and gratefulness to our Savior, be characterized by obedience to him? The NT seems full to the brim of this idea…that, as God’s children who have been redeemed from slavery to sin, we are willing bondservants to our Redeemer. I’m not talking about “do-it-yourself obedience,” but obedience that is enabled only by God’s grace. This is an idea that I think should be central in teaching our kids. No, it isn’t the “end of the world” when they sin; there is abundant forgiveness at the cross, and, by extension, in the hearts of their believing family members. Grace is needed and given, sometimes in the form of chastisement. Why would God chasten/rebuke his children (Heb. 12; Rev. 3) if their living a life of obedience/fellowship/growth is not important to him? I’m not talking about “pleasing him” in some self-sufficient or “point-getting” way, motivated by inordinate fear and/or pride, but honest, zealous pursuit of purity and godliness for the sake of the one who died for us. To me, this idea provides the framework for how I view life: it is not to be lived for myself, my flesh, but for God. What you’ve said fits into this framework nicely: “he is the perfect combination of patient, merciful, gracious, yes-you-have-consequences,-but-I’m-here-with-you, and yes you can seek to understand me more through this, and yes, i will empower you to obey me even though it hurts, yes you can always trust God—your faith is what pleases him. your sin is not the end of the world, you can repent and i will redeem it.”
The question, then, is this: how do we take these things and effectively apply them in our parenting? As you’ve said, the answers might look different for different families, based on a number of dynamics. I don’t think that a preponderance of “behavioristic”-type applications go far enough to reach the heart and instill the kind of thinking I’ve described above.
Anne, if I may ask, is your objection to Tedd Tripp that he, in your opinion, uses the incorrect framework/paradigm in parenting (making obedience of primary importance)? Where, in your preferred framework, does “the battle against the flesh” come in? Do you think believers, on a practical, day-to-day basis, have to battle the flesh and choose, enabled by God’s grace, to make choices that are in line with his will for them? If so, how do you communicate this to your children, and equip them for this battle? (IOW, are we merely playing games with semantics here? Are our parenting philosophies really more similar than different after all, when it comes right down to it?)
Again, not trying to take potshots…just seeking to understand and learn.
Conversations about parenting can be a bit frustrating because I think it’s more of an art than a science, and there are just so many variables.
I need to give a short answer right now b/c vitaliy is not home, maybe more later.
But I think the most important aspect of life and parenting is what one believes about God, my faith. And I mean that in more than just what I believe about salvation. I mean for all of life, every day, every encounter, joy, trial. What do I believe about God.
Obedience is important, but it’s not the bottom line. We’re all losers then. And that’s fairly performance-oriented, by-performance-I-can-please view of God. There’s a good Martin Luther tract about this, “Concerning Christian Liberty, part 2”
Ted Tripp is a big discussion I would have to invest a lot of time in and I’m not there right now. I could be if it’s really wanted to be pursued.
the command is given to children, and while i am influene #1 for obeying right now, in the back of my mind is that the command is given to my child, not to me. So i need, of course, by my methods, to be leading to this.
and my obedience training shouldn be considerate of ages/stages of development.
also, does God use force or his bigness to make me obey? … how does he work on my attitude? …
[Anne Sokol] Hey all. Thanks for the niceness.I agree, Anne.
Conversations about parenting can be a bit frustrating because I think it’s more of an art than a science, and there are just so many variables.
But I think the most important aspect of life and parenting is what one believes about God, my faith. And I mean that in more than just what I believe about salvation. I mean for all of life, every day, every encounter, joy, trial. What do I believe about God.Again, I totally agree…which would lead me to the next question: what is God’s desire for me as his child? How does he want me to live? Maybe this is where we diverge, but I think that Scripture is clear that God has called me to a life of obedience to him while I am on this earth. My personal choices (including how I think in joys and trials) should be run through the grid of “Is this thought/action ‘worthy of my calling’? Is it reflective of my Father’s character? Is it indicative of God’s work in me, or is it a warning that I am living life in my flesh and need to lean harder on my Father?
Obedience is important, but it’s not the bottom line. We’re all losers then. And that’s fairly performance-oriented, by-performance-I-can-please view of God.I don’t think it is…since Scripture is clear that “it is God which works in me, both to will and to do his good pleasure.” (Phil.) Here again, the focus is God’s pleasure/pleasing God (the verse indicates that what we will and do pleases God)…but this pleasing isn’t “me”…it comes as a result of his working in me. The “loser” part was taken care of at the cross, wasn’t it?
Ted Tripp is a big discussion I would have to invest a lot of time in and I’m not there right now. I could be if it’s really wanted to be pursued.I don’t have time, either. Considering the terms you used earlier in the thread, I’d guess that you’re an advocate of what has been called “grace-based parenting.” (I’m not trying to put you in that box, either, or say that you follow “a man-made system”…just going by what I seem to remember you saying in this thread as well as in others.) Hey, I’m all for anything that is “grace-based!”
I think we could go around in circles for quite a while, don’t you? And that would just make me dizzy right now. :) On my end, I think you believe obedience is important: as you said a few posts up, you are teaching your children to obey. And I hope you know that I think grace is foundational to obedience and everything else we do as believers. It might be that we’re just looking at two sides of the same coin…
So it’s not merely external obedience.
But it is about making the right choices and behaving according to God’s desires.
I think part of the confusing teaching that folks have put out on this topic is due to neglect of the passages that bring together the relationship between standing and “performance.”
To be super brief, the relationship is this:
1) Because of who we are (union with Christ) we can obey/peform
2) Because of who we are, we must obey/perform
3) Because of who we are, God sees to it that we do
Philippians 2:12–13
12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
Consider also, Eph. 4.1, Col1.9-10, 1 Thess. 2:10-12 (and all of Romans 6).
The Colossians one above is especially poignant.
9 For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; 10 that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God;
That’s a call to “performance” if there ever was one (OK, 1 Cor.9.26-27 might be stronger, or 1 Tim.4:7-8).
Views expressed are always my own and not my employer's, my church's, my family's, my neighbors', or my pets'. The house plants have authorized me to speak for them, however, and they always agree with me.
My kids can ask questions, but they aren’t allowed to question. They are to obey without comment at the time that a ‘command’ is given- but they are free to ask questions before or after. Sometimes these rules are just practical- I am not going to have a 20 minute conversation about the need to get the yard mowed before it rains. But we often sit around the table or in the living room (in our house these are basically in the same room) and talk about expectations and needs and listen to the kids make suggestions. They are a respected part of the household too.
Personally, I think organization and planning does alot to preempt discipline issues. We have menus, so the kids know what they can and can’t eat. We have a schedule, so they understand what is expected. The house has a ‘place for everything’ (or nearly everything) so they know where to put things away. I think of it as the up side to being seriously OCD- things I take for granted are often a major issue for some families.
One of the things I think Anne is getting at (correct me if I’m wrong, Anne) is our responsibility to model Godly behavior for our kids, and not just demand it from them. I can’t teach the kids self control if I’m wigging out when they disobey, or when I drop a glass of milk on the floor, or when the dog pukes on the couch. They watch us handle adversity, and they take their cues from our conduct, regardless of the words that are coming out of our mouths. We also can’t demand mental and physical purity from them when we tolerate or are entertained by perversion and lasciviousness. If we want them to be forgiving and compassionate in their dealings with others, then they need to see us doing this with our spouse, our relatives, neighbors, co-workers… Parenting is IMO about the most humbling and awe-inspiring thing a person can do, because in all things I am aware of God as my Father, and how I relate to Him and He relates to me. Yowzers.
As for Ezzo and Keller and the Pearls etc… I think it’s great when we can take a nugget here and there, but I can’t imagine attempting to apply someone else’s lifestyle or methods wholesale. There is an almost idolatrous aspect to this embracing of one author’s parenting theories over another, as if instead of “Thus sayeth the Lord” it’s “Thus sayeth Ted Tripp”.
About performance and obedience … I guess i see those as symptomatic. And any discussion I imagine at this point, just gets into somantics where we are both saying the same things in different ways.
I guess I don’t look at my life right now in terms of obedience, where I am doing right and where I am failing. I get really stuck on the failing parts, then, and that morass doesn’t help me grow at all in godliness. I have stopped listing ways in which i need to change, improvements, etc. because it simply does not profit me one inch spiritually. I am at a point where I have let go control of my sanctification and released the way I want to percieve myself and the rate at which I want to change. I have given it to God. I simply cannot help myself. He teaches me what to believe and the transformation that occurs in my life, while at some level, somehow, I am involved, it is all God. I still fail and am proud and get angry, but He takes his own time in changing things inside me. It’s nothing like first-time obedience.
So I look at my dear children, who are so young, who understand so much less than I do about life and God, and I do have compassion on them, and the 2,000 compliance requests they receive a day, and how I handle their failures and my failure in helping them.
A man in our church, married, is struggling with some porn addictions. He really wants to stop. It’s not a lot, but it’s there. And I think, what can I give my children that will carry them through an experience of having a sinful addiction without losing their faith in God. “Just obey just because” doesn’t help. This man wants freedom; he wants to obey. I want to obey. Will they feel that they are so disobedient that God is far away? Or will they be able to remain in the faith and know that God still accepts them and can work this for their good?
Christ lived for me the complete fulfillment of the law. I am free.
How I live, my performance, will always be flawed. Maybe we could call it “fruit” more than performance. I may do great and mighty things, like adopting an orphan, or training my kids, or helping ladies not have abortions, evangelizing people. But … I don’t know. I don’t focus on those things so much. They just come out of (the sinful rotten) me as am in christ.
I wish I were a grace-based parent. I am trying to learn what that means. But I still have a long way to go.
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