Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed

The flaw of the courtship model, like many other child-rearing methods, is putting faith in the method instead of in Christ. While many principles of courtship have roots in Scriptural principles, too many parents think following a formula will conquer the flesh. Only a regenerate heart and obedient spirit can conquer the flesh. So IMO courtship itself isn’t legalistic per se, but the amount of faith some parents seem to place in it smacks of idolatry.

I’ve met some rabid courtship parents who have a checklist for anyone interested in their son/daughter - “Are you a virgin?”, “Are you going into full-time ministry?”, “Do you have a good job?” have always appeared at the top of the list. What is usually missing is “How are the fruits of the Spirit evident in your life?”

Personally, I support a moderate version of the courtship idea. I do believe that the purpose of ‘dating’ is to find a mate, so young people shouldn’t engage in any kind of dating/courtship until they are mature enough to consider being in an exclusive relationship. We teach them that love is a commitment, not an emotion. We encourage our kids to interact with and have many friends of the opposite gender until they reach that stage in their development, which can be a different age for each child. We get to know our kids’ friends and their parents and siblings, period. I think parental guidance is important, but I don’t believe in parents ‘choosing’ their child’s spouse.

I tried the ‘date a different guy’ thing in Bible college, and was labeled as promiscuous, rebellious, unsubmissive, blahblahblah, especially from the ones whom God had apparently informed that I was to be their wife.

The only place God has instructed us to go to “discern His will” is the scriptures. Hence my original and follow-up posts.

It is because the Scriptures are not clear in how one is acquire a mate that this whole discussion is taking place.

[Steve Newman]

The only place God has instructed us to go to “discern His will” is the scriptures. Hence my original and follow-up posts.

It is because the Scriptures are not clear in how one is acquire a mate that this whole discussion is taking place.

You initially posted “that the article points out is the need for more depth of interaction between young men and women to help them discern the Lord’s will…” This may be the point of the article, but it is not a biblical assertion. We discern the Lord’s will in scripture. That is the only pace He has instructed us to go to discern His will. What he indicates there is that we are given great freedom to make decisions within the framework He has provided in scripture, not that we go as far as we can with scripture then look for some other special leading on a case by case basis outside of scripture - like by spending time with people to find out who the “right” one is.

If we need a truly biblical model for pre-marriage relationships, I would like to suggest Judges 21:16-23.

I’ll write a book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye…and Kidnapped My Wife from a Drunken Party”. It will include glowing testimonies of others who have used the same method, and be shelved next to “The Prayer of Jabez” at Christian bookstores.

Andrew, I know they were dancing, but were they drunk, too? All we know is that they hid in the vineyards, which would imply that the leaves were still green and the crop likely still on the vine or just harvested. :^) I’m guessing the “tirosh” had not yet fermented, and was definitely not an aged “yayin”.

OK, seriously, one thing I think we can infer from the Scriptures—Samson’s procurement of a Philistine wife, the parental tone of Proverbs, Andrew’s passage from Judges, etc..—is that ordinarily parents were involved in the selection of mates for their children, and ordinarily children did not go against their parents’ wishes in selection of a mate. There is also the reality that parents had a very strong initiative to find mates for their children—if they did not succeed in doing this, their land would go to others when they died, and they would not have grandchildren to care for them while the parents were doing things like working in the fields.

So I think we can do some inference from that, really. Absent a strong reason to bar parents from influencing their children’s marriages—I’d set it roughly at various felonies being committed—we ought to presume the right of the parents to help guide their childrens’ marriage choices.

…was dating a guy in college and my dad was visiting and met him.

My dad didn’t show great interest in the young man (not like my other daughter’s boyfriend) and that was one of the reasons my daughter stopped seeing the young man. My other daughter married that boyfriend.

Their grandpa was not much of a talker but my girls trusted him and his mild dislike of the one youth was significant.

p.s. I occasionally misspeak and refer to them as my son and daughter-in-law instead of the the other way around, because we view him as a son!

It is God’s revealed will that you marry a Christian and stay married. Who is she (he)? She (he) is the one you marry. God does not play “Let’s Make a Deal” where his perfect spouse is behind door number one but his permitted spouse is behind door number two and the wrong choice is behind door number three.

John Brian’s comment about his daughters’ experience reminds me of a time when my wife and I had dinner with an engaged couple, and during that dinner, the young lady figured out that while her intended had time for her in romantic pursuits, he was utterly inept when presented with a situation where his intended’s attention was not solely focused on him. They broke up soon after that. It reminds me of the situation in Song of Solomon where the friends are discussing the match with the bride—I don’t think they’re just there to sing the chorus.

Hence I wonder if we can also infer that the guidance of friends is key in establishing a solid, Biblical marriage—and that whether a dating or courtship model is chosen, if this guidance is neglected or faulty, the couple will likely suffer. Overall, it would seem that the key factor in solid marriage is the interaction with community in courting/dating.

• “Ordination” story: Mother (single bc of divorce) held a mini-ordination style Q&A for friend of mine before he could date her daughter. Friend was architectural student and needed quite a bit of coaching to pass. He and his bride have been married 30 years


• Courtship: Friend dutifully asked the Dad if he could date the daughter. Friend is a seminary grad and straightup guy. Dad approved … daughter said “no way”


• One more:
  
  
  
  • Young adult gal asked me to evaluate a Christian man who had expressed interest in her
  
  
  • I asked her: “If on your wedding night, you became pregnant; could he provide for you?”
  
  
  • The guy could barely provide for himself … she saw the light
  
  
  
  

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2014/08/18/1-kids-counting-duggars…

I stated earlier: Try to build a case for either Courtship OR dating from NT

• As a parent want to go the courtship route? Good for you. It’s your preference.
• As a parent you allow your children to date? Ditto
• BUT to teach courtship as a NT teaching would be be wrong