The author "has never run off with or dated a non-Christian guy, nor will she ever. But she's not surprised when some Christian girls do."
The Good Christian Girl: A Fable Just as she was getting old enough to start dating, however, she noticed something. Some of the popular Christian books were talking about not dating at all, and just being friends, until God had made it clear that the guy she liked was exactly the right one for her. Her Sunday school teachers taught from a very popular book about how dating was unbiblical, and how a truly righteous young Christian man would initiate a courtship with marriage as the goal, working in tandem with the girl’s father and the pastor and others in the church body.
The whole tone of this is troubling to me. Where is God in it? How about prayer? More poignantly, what about sincerely praying for God to give contentment, whether that includes marriage or not? It seems to be all about what this girl does or doesn’t do to catch a man. And, speaking from experience (I was 30 when I married my husband), the best thing I ever did was get the preoccupation out of the way and decide that giving my life today for Him was the best use of my time. I was not guaranteed tomorrow. God could call me home in a nanosecond, and my hope chest (if I had one) would be bequeathed to someone else.
I was pining away wondering when my prince would come. Much wasted time. After yet another failed, unsatisfactory relationship I began to realize that God wanted me to be His, first and foremost. I needed to get busy knowing Him, serving Him, forgetting self…and if a man was interested in me, he would have to catch me. This was not a defense mechanism I set up to protect myself from hurt. It was an earnest, conscious giving of myself and my hopes to Him. It was not easy. My fingers were tightly entwined around that hope. Investing my time in this way deepened my walk with Him, helped me to grow up in Him…and those are the primary qualities that would make me a good spouse, anyway. After all, a good wife, a godly wife, a dedicated wife, a loving wife…is a good, godly, dedicated, loving believer who just happens to be married. I figured it was a win-win.
My husband “caught” me on the path of duty. We both worked with the same outreach group to a government housing project. An excellent way to get to know someone. We worked. We prayed. We shared one another’s burdens. We watched each other sacrifice. We saw each other fail. We helped each other heal. There was no pretense, because we started out not looking for each other. :) So, when we finally “dated” all of the initial awkwardness was non-existent.
This story may not be a fit for everyone. It was perfect for me. I thank God for it.
I was pining away wondering when my prince would come. Much wasted time. After yet another failed, unsatisfactory relationship I began to realize that God wanted me to be His, first and foremost. I needed to get busy knowing Him, serving Him, forgetting self…and if a man was interested in me, he would have to catch me. This was not a defense mechanism I set up to protect myself from hurt. It was an earnest, conscious giving of myself and my hopes to Him. It was not easy. My fingers were tightly entwined around that hope. Investing my time in this way deepened my walk with Him, helped me to grow up in Him…and those are the primary qualities that would make me a good spouse, anyway. After all, a good wife, a godly wife, a dedicated wife, a loving wife…is a good, godly, dedicated, loving believer who just happens to be married. I figured it was a win-win.
My husband “caught” me on the path of duty. We both worked with the same outreach group to a government housing project. An excellent way to get to know someone. We worked. We prayed. We shared one another’s burdens. We watched each other sacrifice. We saw each other fail. We helped each other heal. There was no pretense, because we started out not looking for each other. :) So, when we finally “dated” all of the initial awkwardness was non-existent.
This story may not be a fit for everyone. It was perfect for me. I thank God for it.
"I pray to God this day to make me an extraordinary Christian." --Whitefield http://strengthfortoday.wordpress.com
I don’t see a substantial difference between this and being unsurprised that some people in the church leave a terminally ill spouse or steal money from their employer or molest children under their care. Or cheat on their taxes or take communion while harboring resentment against other believers or lie about, well, anything. In all of these cases, we are guilty of desiring something more than we desire God and of satisfying ourselves rather than obeying Him.
This is not to minimize the challenge for some of remaining single. We have many weddings in our church every year and I know a number of women who have been passed by time and again. Their sadness is real and trusting God in this is a terrific challenge for some of them. But, in the end, making the decision the author describes has little to do with teaching around courtship or overly high expectations and everything to do with our sinful hearts and ungodly expectations in this life.
I think - those first paragraphs are a bit more dogmatic than I probably have a right to be. If I’m too far off, I’m sure someone will set me straight. ;)
This is not to minimize the challenge for some of remaining single. We have many weddings in our church every year and I know a number of women who have been passed by time and again. Their sadness is real and trusting God in this is a terrific challenge for some of them. But, in the end, making the decision the author describes has little to do with teaching around courtship or overly high expectations and everything to do with our sinful hearts and ungodly expectations in this life.
I think - those first paragraphs are a bit more dogmatic than I probably have a right to be. If I’m too far off, I’m sure someone will set me straight. ;)
While many cases are different, it seems many times even among Christians that “youth is wasted on the young”. They grow impatient, then seek to engineer their own solution. For me, it was giving my singleness to God and letting Him know if he wanted to be a “lifer” that I would. At age 33, God led me to a good friend who it turns out was waiting for me for about 10 years. She was also 33. In those days, we were told it was more likely to die in a plane crash than marry after age 30! But God has been good!
To be honest, many still choose to marry too young! I’m thankful God gave me a chance to mature, I wasn’t fit to marry in many ways. His timing is great! Being single is a challenge, but churches need to lose the stigma against singles. Some are better off being single, and a few, to be honest, will be single if they live to 100. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. There are many more who do not have any control over their sexual desires or believe all the lies the world tells about love who marry the first thing that comes along.
To be honest, many still choose to marry too young! I’m thankful God gave me a chance to mature, I wasn’t fit to marry in many ways. His timing is great! Being single is a challenge, but churches need to lose the stigma against singles. Some are better off being single, and a few, to be honest, will be single if they live to 100. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. There are many more who do not have any control over their sexual desires or believe all the lies the world tells about love who marry the first thing that comes along.
My wonderful virtuous woman of 40 years told me she’d made up her mind to be busy serving God in His local church after graduating from BJU. She was 29 and I was 28 when we were married. I’d made up my
mind not to defraud a girl by giving her “mixed signals” as to my intentions or affections. God wonderfully brought us together over a distance. I’m a rich man and thankful to God for my Godly wife. Joe Henderson
mind not to defraud a girl by giving her “mixed signals” as to my intentions or affections. God wonderfully brought us together over a distance. I’m a rich man and thankful to God for my Godly wife. Joe Henderson
I agree with Diane in Post #1 and enjoyed reading her testimony.
I am not sure what the moral of the story is supposed to be — other than possibly don’t give or give in to peer pressure or foolish counsel. I really do not see a big lesson there about dating or courtship, but maybe I am just dense. :O
As I look at my own life and think of this subject from the vantage point of a few years of experience, I think the biggest problem facing young people in this area is lack of preparation for marriage. Many young people are truly unprepared for marriage in many senses — finances being a big one. Couples get married with each partner carrying humongous student loan debt and no earthly idea how they will begin to pay for it. A couple of generations ago, many fathers would not have given their daughters away to marry into such a situation, but now it is just accepted, and it cripples these new families from the start.
Perhaps that is a bit of a rabbit trail, but I think there is a serious need to ramp up premarital counseling big-time. Senior pastors and Bible college leaders should make this an area of extreme concern and make use of the many good resources which are available in this arena today.
To a young person such as the one in the story, I would simply say learn to enjoy life and follow the lessons Diane writes about. God will lead you in His time. Your fears are mostly unfounded. Focus on important things — not the trivial advice the girl in the story was taking.
I am not sure what the moral of the story is supposed to be — other than possibly don’t give or give in to peer pressure or foolish counsel. I really do not see a big lesson there about dating or courtship, but maybe I am just dense. :O
As I look at my own life and think of this subject from the vantage point of a few years of experience, I think the biggest problem facing young people in this area is lack of preparation for marriage. Many young people are truly unprepared for marriage in many senses — finances being a big one. Couples get married with each partner carrying humongous student loan debt and no earthly idea how they will begin to pay for it. A couple of generations ago, many fathers would not have given their daughters away to marry into such a situation, but now it is just accepted, and it cripples these new families from the start.
Perhaps that is a bit of a rabbit trail, but I think there is a serious need to ramp up premarital counseling big-time. Senior pastors and Bible college leaders should make this an area of extreme concern and make use of the many good resources which are available in this arena today.
To a young person such as the one in the story, I would simply say learn to enjoy life and follow the lessons Diane writes about. God will lead you in His time. Your fears are mostly unfounded. Focus on important things — not the trivial advice the girl in the story was taking.
Church Ministries Representative, serving in the Midwest, for The Friends of Israel Gospel Ministry
Lots of good advice in these comments. I am very thankful I was taught how to handle money from my dad and that my school was a no-debt school. It truly allows a couple to focus on other things in their relationship. Similarly, I also tell newlyweds to rent. I cannot even imagine having owned a home our first three years of marriage. It has allowed us to have completely free weekends and nights to focus on our relationship.
Regarding some of this article, I think there is this fascination of finding mr or mrs perfect. Not just in how they currently treat each other but also in the past. Let’s face it, God did not call the perfect, but those who were seriously messed up, which includes all of us.
Regarding some of this article, I think there is this fascination of finding mr or mrs perfect. Not just in how they currently treat each other but also in the past. Let’s face it, God did not call the perfect, but those who were seriously messed up, which includes all of us.
I am not sure what the moral of the story is supposed to be — other than possibly don’t give or give in to peer pressure or foolish counsel. I really do not see a big lesson there about dating or courtship, but maybe I am just dense. Shock
I agree. I’m rather hoping that’s not all she has to say…that there might be a Part 2 coming? Maybe I missed that?
Better premarital prep can help, no doubt (and IMO that starts as kids at home, in not only what is taught, but also what is “caught”)…but in the end, who of us could honestly say he or she was “ready” to be married? :) Or ready for college, or childbirth, or losing a loved one, or…. KWIM? I think what makes us ready (at the risk of sounding overly simplistic…but aren’t the hardest things to put into practice often the easiest things tp put on paper?) is that He is already there, and we rest in Him.
"I pray to God this day to make me an extraordinary Christian." --Whitefield http://strengthfortoday.wordpress.com
This article is reacting against the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and courtship emphasis common in some circles. It gives anecdotal evidence that the formula has not worked for some young women, but there is not statistical evidence given to support the idea that women are more likely to marry outside the faith if their family/church support the courtship approach. Though it may be true. I can say that my pastoral intern’s fiance was raised in one of those homes, and the article really resonated with her. She suspects the observation is true.
Most of the people that I know who argue for courtship use some kind of mis-applied Regulative Principle (since the real Regulative Principle applies to worship), reasoning something like this: “Dating is not in the Bible, therefore, we shouldn’t.” Well, neither is chemotherapy, but I’d prefer chemo to making gold models of my tumors if I had cancer (see I Samuel 6).
The truth is that several methods of procurring spouses are modeled across the ages and cultures of Scripture, just as several styles of marriage ceremony are modeled. God gives universal instruction as to the fact that we marry prior to cohabitation and sexual interaction — without specifying the style of ceremony. And God gives clear instructions on how young men and young women who are not married should behave toward each other — again without specifying the model of procurement of a spouse that we should pursue. I would argue that the method is cultural. We don’t have to follow the methods we see modeled in the cultures of Scripture. I know I’m not particularly interested in having a body-servant cross the state and seek a wife for my son among my relatives.
On the whole, I would be hard-pressed to give a Biblical defense of courtship or to make a Biblical attack on dating per se.
I do understand the emphasis of many of the responding posts here: the aching desire to marry does lead many astray. But in our rush to praise singleness, let’s not forget the words of our Lord:
Most of the people that I know who argue for courtship use some kind of mis-applied Regulative Principle (since the real Regulative Principle applies to worship), reasoning something like this: “Dating is not in the Bible, therefore, we shouldn’t.” Well, neither is chemotherapy, but I’d prefer chemo to making gold models of my tumors if I had cancer (see I Samuel 6).
The truth is that several methods of procurring spouses are modeled across the ages and cultures of Scripture, just as several styles of marriage ceremony are modeled. God gives universal instruction as to the fact that we marry prior to cohabitation and sexual interaction — without specifying the style of ceremony. And God gives clear instructions on how young men and young women who are not married should behave toward each other — again without specifying the model of procurement of a spouse that we should pursue. I would argue that the method is cultural. We don’t have to follow the methods we see modeled in the cultures of Scripture. I know I’m not particularly interested in having a body-servant cross the state and seek a wife for my son among my relatives.
On the whole, I would be hard-pressed to give a Biblical defense of courtship or to make a Biblical attack on dating per se.
I do understand the emphasis of many of the responding posts here: the aching desire to marry does lead many astray. But in our rush to praise singleness, let’s not forget the words of our Lord:
[Matt. 19] 10 His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.Some people are not met to be single. I Cor. 7 tells us that it is “better to marry than to burn.” Let’s not artificially lengthen the process leading to marriage, either.
11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.
12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
The story follows a girl who listens to everyone but the Holy Spirit, and does not weigh any advice she receives against Scripture. I’m with Diane- this may be a truthful representation of a girl blown about by every wind of doctrine, but where’s the remedy?
Those kinds of statements are somewhat irritating to me. What she really did was remain true to the path she’d chosen all along- that of being manipulated by others without apparently ever engaging her brain. A Godly, Scripturally grounded girl doesn’t throw up her hands and jump from the frying pan into the fire.
The aspect of the courtship model I find beneficial is the idea of the families being involved in the process, as well as providing for the moral safety of the couple in question (by not being isolated from others so that temptation can be thwarted). Other than that, I agree with Bro. Durning that the cultural methods we see modeled in the Bible are not prescriptive. I think they provide as many examples of what not to do as what to do. Some pastors and teachers preach OT patterns as if they guarantee the ‘perfect’ spouse- but even Rebekah, chosen by a miracle of God- didn’t have the best testimony. And I shudder every time I read about Rachel. Would you believe I have actually heard the story of Dinah in Gen. 34 used as a proof text for fathers and brothers choosing a spouse for a daughter? That one doesn’t track well for me as an example-maybe someone can explain that one to me.
Not very romantic (to think of avoiding fornication as a reason to not delay marriage), but a hearty “Amen” to that.
She was tired of advice. She was tired of waiting. She was tired of hearing about Prince Charming and Mr. Darcy. Perhaps most of all, she was tired of shaking heads.
So she ran off with the first non-Christian man who showed some interest, asked her out, and treated her with respect. And the knowing ones shook their heads and said, “What happened to her? She used to be a good Christian girl.”
Those kinds of statements are somewhat irritating to me. What she really did was remain true to the path she’d chosen all along- that of being manipulated by others without apparently ever engaging her brain. A Godly, Scripturally grounded girl doesn’t throw up her hands and jump from the frying pan into the fire.
The aspect of the courtship model I find beneficial is the idea of the families being involved in the process, as well as providing for the moral safety of the couple in question (by not being isolated from others so that temptation can be thwarted). Other than that, I agree with Bro. Durning that the cultural methods we see modeled in the Bible are not prescriptive. I think they provide as many examples of what not to do as what to do. Some pastors and teachers preach OT patterns as if they guarantee the ‘perfect’ spouse- but even Rebekah, chosen by a miracle of God- didn’t have the best testimony. And I shudder every time I read about Rachel. Would you believe I have actually heard the story of Dinah in Gen. 34 used as a proof text for fathers and brothers choosing a spouse for a daughter? That one doesn’t track well for me as an example-maybe someone can explain that one to me.
[Mike Durning] Some people are not met to be single. I Cor. 7 tells us that it is “better to marry than to burn.” Let’s not artificially lengthen the process leading to marriage, either.
Not very romantic (to think of avoiding fornication as a reason to not delay marriage), but a hearty “Amen” to that.
Discussion