What "One Flesh" means

I’ve been asking for a while, what does “one flesh” mean?

Here’s a nice attempt to study it:

https://dwightgingrich.com/what-does-one-flesh-mean/

Paul Tripp said, “Now, it’s not enough to say that that’s what it’s about because that depth of intimacy, with all of its tenderness and with all of its needed protection and all of its mutual serving love, is only possible because there is a deep abiding relational unity that that couple has.” Paul Tripp (https://www.paultripp.com/ask-paul-tripp/posts/what-does-it-mean-to-be-one-flesh)

Is that true? Is oneness of flesh only possible if there is a deep abiding relational unity?

INDENT The biblical view of “one flesh” communicates a unity that covers every facet of a couple’s joint lives as husband and wife. In marriage, two whole lives unite together as one emotionally, intellectually, financially, spiritually, and in every other way. The “two shall become one” in purpose. They are so close that they function like one person, balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses so that together they can fulfill their God-given calling. - https://www.gotquestions.org/the-two-shall-become-one-flesh.html

Does “one flesh” really involve all these aspects of life?

Both the above questions seem to be answered by 1 Corinthians 6:13-20. There, “one flesh” happens even with a prostitute. Therefore, it isn’t dependent on unity in all those other areas of life. Paul said it happens even when the “relationship” is just sex. Paul says, “do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two will become one flesh.’”

While it is possible they don’t know it’s happening, Paul proclaims that they are becoming one flesh. So intentionality isn’t required.

I recently asked a Christian counselor about the meaning of one flesh. She told me, “When I address a woman who is sleeping with a man outside marriage, I tell them that by sleeping with him, she is entering a relationship - “one flesh” - with him and all the women he has slept with.” But what does a woman think when she hears that? I suspect it makes her think of the sexually transmitted diseases that are present in that group and that one is exposed to all of those through contact with this man. That seems to take all the spiritual part out of it. Or she might think that a spiritual bond of some kind is happening with all those connected with him in this way. But that seems to render it spiritual in a way that is hard to contemplate - what difference does this “spiritual bond” actually make?

The explanation of “one flesh” needs to explain these things:

- It is a core part of the marriage relationship (Gen2)

- It is properly long-lasting (Mt18)

- It happens even when the “relationship” is purely sex - prostitute(1C6:16).

- It happens without intentionality - Paul says “do you not know?”(1C6:16)

- In some way it is similar to the food-body relationship (food for body; body for food (1C6:13)

Food

The relationship I have with food means that food and I are each parts of a relationship. Food, without me [or someone like me] has no purpose. And I, without food, will starve and die.

The understanding and perception of this relationship is entirely on my side. The food doesn’t understand or see that it needs me to have purpose. But I do understand and keenly feel the entire relationship. I hunger for food (sometimes more than others). I desire food.

Each person’s physiology (and neurophysiology) desires certain foods more than others. Why? We can argue that some foods are simply more appetizing, thus a science of gastronomy. A gourmet seeks to discover what makes some food more delicious than others. And many of these preferences are common to all.

Puzzle & Piece

This makes us each a bit like a puzzle with one piece missing. And for our pleasure and satisfaction, we need to put a piece in there.

But we’re not like a puzzle in that we are not static in our internal assessment of what fits. We change. The pleasure that comes with sex (and even just romantic feelings) changes us and our missing-piece-hole forms (cf Aristotle, Aquinas) us and causes us to desire one like the one that gave us pleasure.

Pleasure

I had a friend who rode a motorcycle. He said to me one time, “You should ride my bike - you’ll really like it.” I replied, “That’s exactly why I’m not going to ride it.”

The last thing I want is to want to spend a bunch of money on a motorcycle.

Blank Slate?

But consider the phrases, “Mom’s cooking,” or, “Like mom used to make.” While perhaps not universal, the love for things “the way mom used to make them” is very common. But we each have different moms.

It isn’t a coincidence that each of us has a love for mom’s cooking. Where did that love for and desire for food like mom made come from? It is intuitively evident that it came because in our formative years we experienced a regular cycle of hunger-eating-pleasure-satisfaction. That cycle builds into our neurophysiology an affection for specific qualities in food.

In other words, some desire for specific foods are learned. They are based on experience. And specifically on the neural pathways that are built as we eat certain things and experience pleasure and satisfaction.

I love fried shrimp; I detest sea urchin. If I grew up in Korea or Japan, I would probably like sea urchin because I would have eaten it as I grew up and “developed a taste for it.” I don’t believe we begin as a blank slate in this respect, but we do begin as a partially blank slate.

The specific desires each of us has for certain foods makes us “one with” those foods, at least in terms of the whole eating experience. I am “one with” fried shrimp. But while it might nourish me, I have no desire for or pleasure in sea urchin; I am not “one with” sea urchin.

The Ideal

This is how I see “one flesh” with regard to sex. First, consider the sexual relationship as God intended¹. One young man and one young woman leave their homes and make a new home, physically enjoying one another in touch and sex as they love and serve one another in life. They each experience sexual pleasure with this one partner. In doing so, not only do they love one another, they build into one another’s soul and neurophysiology a specific desire for that one partner. Other potential partners are not as desirable to the extent that this couple has their sexual preferences formed by this pattern of sexual desire-sexual-pleasure-satisfaction.

Temptation and Adultery

Now, it is true that in addition to the nurture side, there is a nature side to sexual attraction. While some “beautiful attributes” vary from culture to culture, some are seemingly universal. So there might be another woman who has certain attributes of beauty or behavior that this husband² might find more attractive than his wife at some point. Thus, temptation to adultery. What about that?

First, the way his soul-brain has been trained by his wife is (ought to be) God’s gift to him. It is a help to him in this moment that, along with his desire to obey God, should help keep him sexually oriented only towards his wife.

Second, if, for some reason, his wife has denied him sexual relationship, she has left undone a powerful method of binding his soul to her. If he wanders, he is still guilty. I’m not excusing adultery. I’m talking about the difficulty of obedience. It is harder to obey if their sexual relationship has not been good. This can include sinful refusal or it can be a matter of illness or anxiety (a rape victim might find it difficult to engage).

Third, giving in and allowing an illicit sexual relationship to form his soul, he is not simply committing a one-time offense. He “sins against his own body”(1C6:18) in that he trains his own soul to desire someone (or something) else. And if we make the safe assumption that this other woman is objectively more desirable than his wife, the reshaping of his soul into a soul that desires her is probably quicker and more powerfully done than with his own wife.

Thus, by going to a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with the prostitute in that his own soul (body, mind) changes. It becomes a soul that subsequently desires the prostitute. It is now harder to obey and probably always will be.

Nonsexual romantic pleasure

This isn’t just about sex, though the pleasure in that probably has a very high impact on the soul. No doubt the pleasure of romance in dating forms the soul. Even the childhood crush and experience of romance in stories are probably formative in our later desires. (Thus, keep your kids from stories about illicit romance because they train the mind to long for that kind of illicit relationships.) This also means that even daydreaming about another relationship is soul-forming in this sense.

Conclusion

I am arguing that “one flesh” refers to the internal condition of the soul/mind/brain that inclines a person toward some sexual or romantic relationship. It could be called your sexual preference, but that term is is already used for a concept that falls short of what I am saying. In its God-intended form, this sexual preference is determined by your own experience and inclines you toward your spouse.

Permanent?

This brings us back to the question: Is one flesh permanent?

I believe it is at least ongoing. Surely not “eternal” in the sense of influencing our spiritual state in heaven, but in terms of remaining with us through this life. And the extent to which previous experience dictates our current desires probably wanes over time.

But the old man, with his desires, must be daily put to death.

Other Sexual Desires

I believe this concept of one flesh is sufficient to think about explain all sorts of sexual desires. There are reports of men who have felt aroused by their computer (the device, not just the porn they have on it) because it is the one constant in their interaction with various pornographic offerings. A man who desires other men might do so because he encountered homosexual modeling of affection or because it’s natural for him. Some homosexual men have tried to live straight and have even married, though many return to homosexuality.

Renewing the Mind - Hope

I believe that we are called to renew our minds and that this is more than a simple “I agree I was wrong” repentance. It is a slow - maybe agonizingly slow - process of re-training the soul to truly love (inwardly desire) what God calls us to love.

Romans 6:16 Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?

Romans 8:5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.

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Give my kindest love to my dear wife, and tell her that the uncommon union which has so long subsisted between us has been of such a nature as I trust is spiritual and therefore will continue forever.

– the last, dying words of Jonathan Edwards –

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*1 Perhaps there will be debate about whether my story reflects God’s intention. This is my understanding.

*2 I mean husband or wife. I’m only telling the story for “him” but I mean it exactly the same for her.