Book Review: The Hurting Parent: Help and Hope for Parents of Prodigals

Margie Lewis should know how it feels to be the parent of a prodigal. She is one of them. Co-written with her son Greg Lewis, The Hurting Parent gives hope and encouragement to the parents of prodigals. In this updated edition the Lewises tell the rest of the story of Margie’s son Mark, her prodigal.

In chapter one Lewis recounts the hurt and shame as well as the questions that bombarded their hearts when they realized that they had a prodigal son who had left them. Mark was in college and nearing the end of the semester when he left with almost no trace. When he was found, he wanted nothing to do with his family. So many questions go through one’s mind at times such as this. But Lewis writes, “It is not the purpose of this book to try to answer the ‘What did I do wrong?’ or ‘Why did this happen to us?’ questions…. [Parents] need to know ‘Where do I go from here? What can be done?’” (p. 29).

Chapter two deals with something that even those who are not parents of prodigals should consider: the feelings of isolation that parents of prodigals experience. It is natural to feel left out when others speak glowingly of all that their children are doing and doing well. It is natural to feel completely alone. Sometimes people pull away from these hurting parents, too, not knowing how to deal with them. Hurting parents need help and support. “Many hurting parents have talked to me about the isolation of their shame.” The Lewises add,

Shamed parents use similar words and expressions to describe the feeling: embarrassment, humiliation, inferiority, incompetence, disgrace, loss of face. Often they express fear of rejection, disrespect, disapproval, contempt, and even pity from the people around them who witness their struggles. (p. 33)

Because hurting parents so often feel isolated and ashamed, they need others to let them know that they are not alone. They need the fellowship of other believers who will be there for them, support them, hold them up, listen to them, and pray for them.

Lewis gives the example of “Eric” who is a counselor and the father of a prodigal daughter. At a conference where he spoke about love, Eric felt led to speak of his own struggles with his straying daughter. It was then that something good happened. “For the next three hours broken people stood to admit honestly their problems and their needs. Dozens of parents like Eric rose to confess their own and their families’ hurts…. It became a sharing supporting fellowship” (p. 44). Sadly, many hurting parents live in isolation with no one who wishes to discuss their problems or help them through their struggles.

One response to a prodigal is to angrily write him out of your life. Apparently, some parents are so hurt that they choose to live their lives as though their prodigal is dead. “Rejection can be a form of retaliation for hurt or humiliation” (p. 61). Often rejection is an expression of one’s attempt to control the prodigal and the situation in which the parent finds himself. “Anger is not a reaction that hurting parents can afford to ignore…any more than we can smother those inward hostilities by pretending we have our feelings under control” (p. 85). This rejection and anger is certainly not a Christian response, yet it is probably a common response. Lewis recommends that parents accept their children by loving them unconditionally. Prodigals know that their parents are hurting and are opposed to their sins. Often the prodigals, too, are hurting and will need someone to help them put their lives back together. An accepting, loving parent can be that someone.

The Lewises also address guilt and forgiveness. Parents are often paralyzed by guilt, wondering what they did wrong, accusing themselves and beating themselves up over their parenting errors. This often leads to self pity and despair. Lewis writes, “If we as guilty, hurting parents are going to experience God’s forgiveness for our sins and mistakes, we must also forgive the children who hurt us. And we should use God for a parental model for that forgiveness” (p. 121). That is indeed wise counsel.

Often parents despair. Lewis contends that we should not give up, but wait and hope. “Our God is a persistent God…He never quits. Knowing that should give us enough faith and hope to keep us doing our part as Christian parents” (p. 152).

Finally, Margie Lewis’ story gives parents of prodigals hope of a happy ending. Through persistent love, effort, and the providence of God, Mark Lewis not only came to Christ and reconciled with his parents, but followed God’s leading into the ministry. He was later called to go to school again at the very place where he had quit school. Mark himself observed, “And so it was that God was restoring the years, using the decades that we were trying to run from him, to prepare us for a ministry many years down the road” (p. 176).

It would be best to end this review with an observation from the author about the nature of the book: “I have intentionally avoided step-by-step solutions because every parent-child problem is so different that any blanket answers would have to be glib and simplistic” (p. 154). Those who appreciate the wisdom of that statement will appreciate the book.

Jason Skipper is 38 years old and trusted Jesus at age 13. He lives with his wife and two adopted children near Amite, LA, where he serves as pastor of Wilmer Missionary Baptist Church.