The Carnage of Divorce
Remarriage is a factor that seems to be overlooked. In my experience few divorced people stay single very long. When that happens the children enter that confusing world of “yours, mine, and ours”, When children see their parents divorce, even for “justifiable” reasons, bringing a new Dad or Mom into the mix adds to the confusion.
"Some things are of that nature as to make one's fancy chuckle, while his heart doth ache." John Bunyan
http://www.reuters.com/article/us-money-retirement-divorce-idUSKBN17S2KL
The bottom line: getting divorced close to retirement basically cuts your retirement readiness in half, said Slowiaczek.
“Your cost of living is less, but not necessarily half, and you can’t live to the same standard,” Slowiaczek said.
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/financialissues/a/How-Will-Divorce-I…
Studies show that divorced women face a 30% decline in their standard of living. The legal divorce process can deplete both husband and wife of their financial resources, especially if the divorce involves extended conflict and litigation.
Children of divorced parents are likely to experience the need to adjust to a more moderate lifestyle due to the fact that most live with mothers after the divorce.
Since a woman’s standard of living declines, it only makes sense that her children’s would also.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2013/09/27/what-every-man-needs-…
For an average divorce, Weinberger says you should expect to pay about no less than $20,000, which includes lawyers and experts, real estate costs to divvy up shared marital property, finding a second place for you to live,
[Ron Bean]Remarriage is a factor that seems to be overlooked. In my experience few divorced people stay single very long. When that happens the children enter that confusing world of “yours, mine, and ours”, When children see their parents divorce, even for “justifiable” reasons, bringing a new Dad or Mom into the mix adds to the confusion.
I have a lovely grand niece who has 9 grandparents:
- Her mother’s mother (granddad deceased) (1)
- Her real father’s parents on one side (2 & 3)
- Her real father’s parents on other side (4 & 5)
- Her step father’s on the father’s side parents (6 & 7)
- Her step father’s on the mother’s side parents (8 & 9)
Her little life (she is 12) is complex
[Ron Bean]Remarriage is a factor that seems to be overlooked. In my experience few divorced people stay single very long. When that happens the children enter that confusing world of “yours, mine, and ours”, When children see their parents divorce, even for “justifiable” reasons, bringing a new Dad or Mom into the mix adds to the confusion.
I remember some confusion when my parents started dating others after their divorce, but I also remember my stepdad teaching me how to love a woman in a way that a woman would understand. Due to the circumstances of my parents’ divorce, I didn’t trust my dad in these matters (though actually a fair amount of his advice was spot on), but I trusted my stepfather’s example.
No argument that in a huge portion of cases, this kind of benefit is not seen, and it’s even been noted that the most dangerous person in a child’s life is “mom’s new boyfriend”, the logic being similar to that of new alpha males among lions or wolves slaughtering the cubs they know cannot be theirs, and also that the sexually dissolute don’t stop their attentions with the mother. I personally know a young lady whose stepfather pushed her away from her birth mother because he didn’t want to help pay for her upkeep. (good friend of daughter #4)
But let’s remember it’s case by case, with emphasis on what’s going on morally and Biblically. Sometimes things are just broken, and the best way forward to patch things up (if not fix them) is for a parent to remarry.
Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.
3 cases: close family
- Man is serial adulterer. His own 2nd marriage (wife’s 1st marriage) began w adulterous relationship . 2nd wife who comes to know of another of his flings (she should have known better!), divorces him shortly after her conversion. Now remarried. 3rd child (now almost 30) of hers blames woman’s 2nd husband for the divorce. (2nd husband wasn’t even on the scene)
- Christian woman and atheist man fornicated and lived together before marriage. She herself the product of a broken home. Now married, having been together for 20 years, the husband is angling for divorce. His complaint: wife is at church “all the time” and tithes on their income. My take is that their indebtedness basically makes divorce improbable.
- Husband and wife’s marriage marked by constant bickering. They steel it out for their entire lives (until wife dies).
Complex world - I know these people well (#3 - both dead)
Bert, fault is still relevant to important issues like alimony and child support, so if there has been any fault it will likely be alleged. And then, of course, as you point out, there are incentives for false/gratuitous allegations of fault. I was accused of emotional abuse in the divorce pleadings, which was news to me and to the numerous counselors and pastors who had attempted to help over the years.
[Ron Bean]Remarriage is a factor that seems to be overlooked. In my experience few divorced people stay single very long. When that happens the children enter that confusing world of “yours, mine, and ours”, When children see their parents divorce, even for “justifiable” reasons, bringing a new Dad or Mom into the mix adds to the confusion.
This is one of the reasons I agree with (and practiced) the advice to divorced parents not to even date, let alone remarry, until the kids are grown. They simply don’t need the hassle and grief that comes with it in most cases. I wouldn’t be unsympathetic to a very carefully vetted remarriage if the children were very young and the wait for remarriage would be really long. In my case, though, it was a matter of waiting 4-5 years. Humanly speaking, that’s long enough to be difficult and, already being in my 50’s, could be expected to make remarriage less likely, but I’ve never regretted it and I know my kids won’t either. They were my focus, along with my own healing, not my romantic desires, and we’re all better off as a result. My ex, on the other hand, remarried just one year after the divorce was final and it has (predictably) been a mess.
[dmyers]Bert, fault is still relevant to important issues like alimony and child support, so if there has been any fault it will likely be alleged. And then, of course, as you point out, there are incentives for false/gratuitous allegations of fault. I was accused of emotional abuse in the divorce pleadings, which was news to me and to the numerous counselors and pastors who had attempted to help over the years.
Yup, fault matters, as divorce does not occur without someone’s sin. My point was simply that you won’t find a clear indication of fault in most court documents.
Aspiring to be a stick in the mud.
Discussion