The Problem of Delaying Marriage

I would hate to be accountable for directing couples to marry at a young age. To me, this sounds more like a rural ethic that has been “Biblicized.”

I think the one-size fits-all approach is one of the blights of conservative evangelicals/fundamentalists.

I do, however, think it is appropriate to address the need for developing emotional maturity. We have a generation of young adults “failing to launch,” and the “Peter Pan syndrome” is common. Many teens today do not WANT to grow up. That has certainly changed.

At one time, marriage was the genuine indicator that one was now an adult. With the decline of marriage (and shacking up) in society at large, and the break-up of many marriages, it is no longer considered a marker of maturity. That has changed and is tragic, but reacting to this change still should not coerce us into marriage before we are ready. We are talking about people’s lives here. I became a pastor at age 22 and married at age 23. I was ready for both, IMO. Another guy might be ready for neither until he is 30. We are all different.

I think it is great to have a career to fall back upon, but there is a down side to that, too. It is OFTEN tempting to leave ministry because there are so many discouragements. The more messed-up people are, the worse ministry gets. If it is too easy to leave ministry and slide into a secular job, many pastors would do so, IMO. Pastor’s can be just as tempted to play the “God’s will” card as lay persons — esp. when things get rough. The deceitful human heart can convince us that running from pressure and a sense of failure is God’s will — even when it is not. So it is a double-edged sword. I think much of this depends upon when in life, you get the sense of being called to ministry. I was called while completing my A.A.S. degree in Electronics Engineering Technology, which I completed (but never used) first. Of course, the world of electronics has changed since 1976!

I agree that the one “soul mate” approach is ridiculous. As a matter of fact, such thinking is often the basis for unfaithfulness in marriage.

[Aaron Blumer]

What does “delaying adulthood” mean?

By way of definition, the apostle said when he became a man he put away childish things. What’s universal with children is minimal responsibilities, generally poor judgment, extensive dependence on others to care for them, relative non-productivity.

So I’d define adulthood along the lines of leaving all that behind: independence, responsibility, productivity, good judgment.

Okay, then perhaps “there’s really no rush for adulthood” isn’t really the best way to put it. Parents should be continuously training their children to grow in responsibility, judgment, independence and productivity. I don’t think there is an adultometer with a scale that has a number where a person can be declared to be an adult. I don’t think a person needs to “rush to adulthood” - but parenting a child in a manner that allows his growth in those areas to stagnate is not good.

Regarding marriage statistics, a few points of reference are first of all that marriage is no longer expected—sure, those who do marry are getting married at about the same age as in 1890, but I’d guess a far lower proportion are actually getting married now. (censored statistics, as it were) And that’s how you would recognize the problem today—a greater proportion of singles, people living at home, etc..

Agreed that we did have an anomaly in the forties and fifties—keep in mind that if a girl wanted to hear about how her love was doing off at the wars, she had to marry him or keep on very good terms with his family. Hence a lot of people married young at the time.

Regarding the ancients, I’d be interested in Barry’s sources for the claim that men married around 30 in Bible times. I’d been told that Pharisees were expected to be married at age 18, and that women might marry even in their mid-teens—per Song of Songs 8, really once physical maturity kicked in. So I’m skeptical of the claim that men married around 30 when they were eligible for military service at 20, and when quite frankly they could often expect to be dead by age 40 or 50. There is a reason, after all, that Scripture notes that gray hair is the crown of the aged—one might wonder if it wasn’t that common at the time.

It is indeed dangerous for a Pastor to play the “God card” and give people generic, broad-based advice. Every situation is different. I mentioned, above, that I believe my situation is probably the exception.

However, I wonder if it is only the exception because our society has extended adolescence and fostered a mystical idea of “the one.” If you add a misconception of “God’s will” to teens who genuinely want to know what God would have them to do, then you have a recipie for delaying marriage. Add to that our society’s obsession with extended male adolescence, and I feel very sorry for young ladies out there looking for a man.

Tyler R wrote:

Add to that our society’s obsession with extended male adolescence, and I feel very sorry for young ladies out there looking for a man.

Tyler, I agree with you — except I want to sound a cautious note I have often shared.

No marriage is better than a BAD marriage.

I have known a number of people who rushed into marriage and they were not ready. Here is a case study. I refused to officiate a wedding. The bride was an older teen and pregnant. The father was the same age. They both claimed to be repentant, but the young man had no job and showed no initiative to get one. Their marriage survived (it has been about 20 or 25 years), but the wife has supported the family.

I know of another situation where a man will not work, but is like a pet. He fathers the children and maybe does a small amount of housework. Very small amount.

The Bible places a high premium on marriage, but also on singleness. I do not think we have to look for the “one,” but we do need to look for the right KIND of person. A professing believer is not the only criteria.

For any BIG decision, it is better to wait than to rush. Just because some people get away with rushing does not mean most do.

IMO, it is much better to delay or even remain single than be trapped in a bummer marriage.

[JNoël]

Okay, then perhaps “there’s really no rush for adulthood” isn’t really the best way to put it. Parents should be continuously training their children to grow in responsibility, judgment, independence and productivity. I don’t think there is an adultometer with a scale that has a number where a person can be declared to be an adult. I don’t think a person needs to “rush to adulthood” - but parenting a child in a manner that allows his growth in those areas to stagnate is not good.

Agreed.

There’s a tendency to react to problems with overcorrections… so some seem to feel that parents are failing if they don’t have have their kids doing all sorts of adult things by age 12. I don’t see any point in that. But if parents don’t have sufficient talent and energy and time to excel in both job skills development and character development, they’d better focus on character development. I’d argue that should be priority in any case. If a kid learns not to be lazy, he/she can always learn accounting and power tools and even computer skills later in life when the need arises. Character (including “emotional maturity”) first, career and job independence second, marriage third.