The Problem of Delaying Marriage

One of those things easier to write about than to implement! A few observations for young men that are likely worth nothing:

• Stop looking for “the one,” and look for a godly mate, instead.
• Stop the 10-year dating interlude, and get married, for goodness’ sake!
• Stop allowing your teenager to stay a child - don’t encourage the extension of adolescence into the 20’s
• Treat your teens like adults, and hold them accountable

I was married at 18 to a woman who was 27. I didn’t spend time searching for “the one.” We both met at the bookstore we worked at. I thought she was beautiful, sweet and nice, decided I wanted to marry her, and made it my mission in life to get to know her. It worked. We got married. Here we are, years later.

Don’t really know what else to say. God’s providence is different for everybody. My experience probably isn’t typical.

The problem is not delaying marriage, it’s delaying adulthood. The way our culture infantalizes teens is damaging. They are cut off from adults and the realities of adulthood. Our expectations are low and keep getting lower, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I recommend The Case Against Adolescence by Robert Epstein, PhD (and former editor in chief of Psychology Today).

When we start equipping our kids with knowledge, experience, and responsibility, and expect them to grow up, they will do so. As long as we think of them as little more than a walking, talking meat sack full of raging hormones, they’ll think of themselves that way too.

I disagree with the idea of the goal being marriage—the goal is a responsible adult. Then they will be ready for marriage.

And ditto Tyler.

YES!!!!!!!

I believe The One-ism is often found in certain, ah-hem, circles (I was in one of those circles most of my growing up life). The One belongs in science fiction movies (blue pill, anyone?). Walk in the Spirit. Marry your best friend who is also walking in the Spirit. If God doesn’t want you to be wedded, he will make it abundantly clear - if you are walking in the Spirit. God has a way of doing that in every decision of life.

I love Kevin DeYoung’s book Just Do Something. I know it is just another book, but it is worth reading.

Hasty implies rushing without thoughtful consideration, wise council, etc. Delaying, in the context of the article, is to fall into the category of the current societal norm of just enjoying life as a single as long as one wants, avoiding marriage and its associated responsibilities.

…Mohler really needs to emphasize “getting a decent paying job” a little more. We can argue the importance of marriage until we’re blue in the face, but if we don’t “nudge” a young man to getting the skills he needs to pay for the upkeep of a wife and kids, all of that is going to be completely irrelevant. He’s simply going to say “my paycheck isn’t getting to the end of the month already….and you expect me to support a wife?”

And yes, this kind of question ought to be high on the minds of Bible college administrators and staff—if they’re not accredited, and the skills they’re teaching are not transferable, they are more or less taking tens of thousands of dollars to….qualify young people for the manual labor jobs they were already qualified for.

In other words, you want young people to get married? Great! Make sure they’re ready for marriage. That’s why our ancestors split family landholdings, purchased apprenticeships, and the like. We should do no less.

Hence Mohler’s remark about not marrying in haste. I think the point of the article stands on its own; if he wanted to do a series on marriage, I’m pretty sure he would touch on the need for the marriage to be at least reasonably financially viable.

My son will be headed off to college in a few years. He wants to be a missionary. This is what I’ve told him:

• Get a secular undergrad degree doing something you like. NO BIBLE DEGREE!
• Get an MA in Bible
• Go to the mission field

I’ve been extremely fortunate, because I learned a trade and have a secular undergrad degree. I don’t have to be a Pastor. I’ve been doing law enforcement/investigations since I was 18. Pastoring came later. I’ve met too many good men, at poor churches which can’t afford them, whose wives work like slaves to help support the family and provide insurance, while the Pastor is forced to get a menial part-time job driving a schoolbus. Why are they in that predicament? Because these good Pastors don’t know how to do anything else. They can’t get a quality secular job.

I don’t want that to happen to my son. Be a Pastor. Be a missionary. Just be sure you can get a good job, too. For that, you need a secular undergrad.

Love Al Mohler, but I wonder if he’s overreaching in his concluding statement since he doesn’t have hard data about Christian marriages. Does he really know that Christians (truly born again, not cultural) are purposefully delaying marriage?

My experience is that very few Christian singles espouse the value of intentionally putting off marriage for secular or selfish pursuits.

… mostly not there.

“husband and wife achieving adulthood together”…. also not there.

If I could do it all over, I would wait longer before marrying. We live twice as long as humans did a few centuries ago. There’s really no rush either for adulthood or for marriage. But there are important differences between the two: since life is about responsibility, something is lost by delaying adulthood unduly. Marriage is also about responsibility/stewardship, but there is much to be lost from undue haste. In the idealistic case where all the other variables are perfect, sooner is better than later… I’ll give him that.

Universities are not there solely for people to find employment the rest of their lives. Higher learning encompasses enriching a person’s life in fine arts, literature, social, religious type studies as well as professions and trades. It’s on the individual to determine what is best for him to study, and if he is from a middle to low income situation, he/she should probably get profession/trade training before pursuing other things. But that’s not the job of the university to make that determination. They are training adults.

As to marriage, I believe there has always been a maturity gap between the sexes. Women, I believe, have always been more ready for marriage at a younger age than men, Tyler R’s situation aside. In Biblical times, it seemed the male was around 30 and married a late teen or 20’s wife. It also seems that way up and ‘til 19th and 20th Centuries, but honestly don’t know the history of this.

The only stats I could find were starting of the 20th Century.

http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0005061.html

It seems that men’s marital age hasn’t changed that much since 1890, but there was a severe dip in the age in the decades after WWII. I wander if men marrying at 22 was more an anomaly than mid to late 20’s. The women’s age has changed more. Don’t know if biologically that’s an issue in this day and age or not.

[Aaron Blumer]

There’s really no rush either for adulthood or for marriage. But there are important differences between the two: since life is about responsibility, something is lost by delaying adulthood unduly.

What does “delaying adulthood” mean?

[Barry L.]

As to marriage, I believe there has always been a maturity gap between the sexes. Women, I believe, have always been more ready for marriage at a younger age than men…

I believe this is a common misconception. A general sense of being more socially well-behaved and having a desire to have a husband and children does not automatically make a woman more mature than a man. Men are generally better equipped to handle challenges, overcome obstacles, conduct crisis management and apply decision making, and generally can do so at younger ages than women.

Neither makes one more “mature” than the other - just different.

What does “delaying adulthood” mean?

By way of definition, the apostle said when he became a man he put away childish things. What’s universal with children is minimal responsibilities, generally poor judgment, extensive dependence on others to care for them, relative non-productivity.

So I’d define adulthood along the lines of leaving all that behind: independence, responsibility, productivity, good judgment.

As for “unduly delayed,” I really think that has more to do with trajectory than location. What I mean is, I wouldn’t think a guy who is 22 and living for free in his parents’ basement has failed grow up on time if he’s going to school, working part time, etc. If he’s 32 and in that situation, it still depends on what has gone before. If he’s been part time and going to school for more than a decade, there is some growing up that should have happened there by now. So there are a lot of variables there and I’d hesitate to pass judgment.

On the other hand, you have guys (and women too) who are employed and have families but they still think everyone around them exists for their personal benefit… and this is a kind of childishness parents should be working hard to grow kids out of before they’re even teens. So I guess there are many ways to remain improperly immature… I think I hit the main ones though.