The Harmful Teaching of Wives as their Husbands' Porn Stars

[Jay]…

I’m still very skittish of anything he says. Yet you seem to think that there was some stuff that might be helpful in this book. Is that a correct understanding of your position? I’m just a little surprised that someone out there seems to think that RM isn’t as bad as I’ve heard.

…

I certainly could have done without most of the last half of ch. 10 - those parts where he applies the 1 Corinthians grid to things that aren’t on my radar.

The book, though, has a lot of good stuff. And the small group guide is really good. It does a very nice job of helping couples talk through things. We had couples in our small group who had been married for 10, 15, and 20 years, all of whom had gone through multiple other books together and all of whom found themselves discussing things that they had never before discussed as a couple.

One thing that people often object to is Mark’s telling of his sin of bitterness towards his wife (As Phil J says above, his marriage was unhealthy). One friend of mine, very respected, said that when he read that section, he thought that Mark seemed like he was a jerk. And, you know what, I agree. He is a jerk. He had unrealistic expectations, they weren’t met, and he got bitter. That takes a lot of guts to admit. But I realize that I’m a jerk, too. I have unrealistic expectations for my wife and I, too, get upset, angry, bitter when they aren’t met. That bitterness is sin (which Mark clearly confesses as such) and I need to repent of it.

Other fairly unique features are the emphasis on friendship and the section on abuse. That was huge in our group. Huge. Very helpful.

Anyway, yes, I’d say get a group of 4 or 5 other couples, get the study guides (skip the DVD, it’s not valuable), and go through it. Skip ch 10, if you want. Cut it out of the books, if you want. If you don’t find it more helpful than most other books you’ve read, I’ll be surprised. I’ll be curious if you take the time to do ch. 11 what you think of that process in your marriage.

[Susan R]

I’m talking about focus and motivation being in line with Biblical emphasis, not the physical results.

And I am talking about all of it. If a person is hungry, he is going to eat. That is self gratifying.

Paul’s counsel in 1 Cor 7 is simple: Some of you think it is more holy to abstain from contact. Wrong. You have a wife. Proverbs and Songs give explicit advice here. If a man wants sex, he needs to be married, and then he can have sex with his wife as often as they both want to. Barring some physical limitation (age, injury, pms, etc), sex should be often. The default position of Paul is that it would be rare to not have sex.

Again with Eph 5, the man who does not love his wife is living an absurdity, as it betrays himself. The man who does not include the pleasure/benefit of his wife in the equation is living an absurdity.

The division is not warranted Susan. I would argue that it is unhelpful at best.

[Dan Miller]

Jay wrote:

…

I’m still very skittish of anything he says. Yet you seem to think that there was some stuff that might be helpful in this book. Is that a correct understanding of your position? I’m just a little surprised that someone out there seems to think that RM isn’t as bad as I’ve heard.

…

Yeah, I’m skittish, too. Not as skittish as everybody here, obviously.

I certainly could have done without most of the last half of ch. 10 - those parts where he applies the 1 Corinthians grid to things that aren’t on my radar.

The book, though, has a lot of good stuff. And the small group guide is really good. It does a very nice job of helping couples talk through things. We had couples in our small group who had been married for 10, 15, and 20 years, all of whom had gone through multiple other books together and all of whom found themselves discussing things that they had never before discussed as a couple.

One thing that people often object to is Mark’s telling of his sin of bitterness towards his wife (As Phil J says above, his marriage was unhealthy). One friend of mine, very respected, said that when he read that section, he thought that Mark seemed like he was a jerk. And, you know what, I agree. He is a jerk. He had unrealistic expectations, they weren’t met, and he got bitter. That takes a lot of guts to admit. But I realize that I’m a jerk, too. I have unrealistic expectations for my wife and I, too, get upset, angry, bitter when they aren’t met. That bitterness is sin (which Mark clearly confesses as such) and I need to repent of it.

Other fairly unique features are the emphasis on friendship and the section on abuse. That was huge in our group. Huge. Very helpful.

Anyway, yes, I’d say get a group of 4 or 5 other couples, get the study guides (skip the DVD, it’s not valuable), and go through it. Skip ch 10, if you want. Cut it out of the books, if you want. If you don’t find it more helpful than most other books you’ve read, I’ll be surprised. I’ll be curious if you take the time to do ch. 11 what you think of that process in your marriage.

Given Driscoll’s repeated displays of coating himself in oil and lighting himself on fire, I am pretty sure there is nothing to recommend from him. If the material is good, someone more mature has said it.