The Christian virginity cult

This was a particularly weird and disturbing article. Neither the author nor the critics he sites in the piece appear to have any idea what the rationale behind 1 Peter 1:16 and Lev 19:2 is. This article frightens me.

I’ve seen, up close, the kind of ‘virginity cults’ described by the author of the article (as well as in the links). Someone said that this emphasis on virginity, which seems to be directed mostly toward women, is the flip side of our sexually exploitative culture, in that women are STILL being defined by their sexuality, instead of as a human being. I wholeheartedly agree with that premise.

Isn’t it odd that you don’t see any ‘purity proms’ with moms giving their sons purity rings (or watches or, angels forfend, belt buckles) and extracting promises from them that they will remain virgins?

Sexual purity is important, but it isn’t the only important thing, nor should it become such a defining issue of worthiness. I’ve actually heard a father tell his daughter that she might as well have sex because she had given away her first kiss. She was dirty, damaged, and could never be whole again. He didn’t even know if he could hold his head up walking her down the aisle at her wedding, knowing that when she kissed her husband at the altar, her lips had already known another man’s.

Building one another up in Godly love and encouraging the fruits of the Spirit to flourish would take care of the sexual purity issue for both men and women, as well as a host of other moral ills. We don’t need Band-Aids, we need open heart surgery.

I too noticed that the article was oriented exclusively towards young ladies, and didn’t mention young men once. There is a tendency to stress female modesty and deportment, not recognizing that these are commands for both men and women.

I also noticed, in my post above, I misspelled “sites” when it should have been “cites.” Yikes!

There’s a couple of points that I want to make on this.

First off, Fundamentalists and CE’s (I suppose CEs) are so well known for hammering the importance of purity into young women that it has (in my opinion) become an unhealthy fixation. It’s unhealthy because it doesn’t teach about the value and merits of sex and the purposes that God has given to it. Sex is treated as something that’s ‘bad, bad, bad’ until you get married, when it suddenly becomes ‘OK’.

Next, because of that unhealthy fixation, women that ‘blow it’ are more likely (from what I can tell) to walk away from their faith entirely because now they’ve given away the one thing that usually gets hammered into them and they can’t deal with the guilt that they now have to handle. If you don’t believe me, spend some time reading the accounts of women who have grown up in our circles and have headed into radical feminism…there’s almost always a reference to the value of their bodies somewhere (either because they wanted to sleep with someone and couldn’t or because they did sleep with someone and found out that intimacy wasn’t the terrible, horrible thing that it was portrayed as).

It also places so much of a burden on the will to resist temptation instead of placing a demand with the mindset of a ‘reasonable service’ because of our redemption through Christ (Rom. 12:1-2).

Another major problem is that these kinds of pleas are usually aimed more at women, when they should be aimed more at young men, who are supposed to be the leaders in the home and church. It’s not on the women to carry the burden of making sure that they remain pure - because that’s not their burden to carry. It’s the men’s role to protect her from evil (Song 8:8-10 for starters). Do women have a part in that responsibility? Yes. But the primary protectors and providers in the family unit are fathers and husbands.

Also, once a person does sin by engaging in sex, people treat them as if they’re utterly worthless and horrible people who are beyond redemption or use. This video of Matt Chandler’s presentation from the DG 2009 Conference sums that perspective well and emphasizes the key point of the issue - Jesus takes anyone from their sin (hetero or homo, adulterous or premarital, single or non-single) and redeems them. He saves us from the sin and misery that we choose - even sexual sin.

We need to communicate a better purpose for sex and purity - that God’s purpose for men and women is so much more than chasing the fallen and sinful illusions that the world around us wants to buy into.

Sensitive subject… I agree that there is a cultural tradition of locating too much of the responsibility for purity on young women. Want to be clear about that. On the other hand, it’s interesting how Scripture looks on that score. Taking Proverbs as the example that comes quickest to mind, the emphasis is on the seductive power of women of poor character (Prov 2.16 ff, Prov. 5:3ff) but, at the same time, the message is directed toward young men to avoid that snare.

So a biblical balance probably lies in the direction of teaching both the young men and the young women about equal in amount, but differently in nuance.

But the whole “stay pure or you’ll ruin your life” message has a built in problem: over-reliance on results arguments. It’s true that the Bible uses results reasoning for appeals to avoid sin—and so should we—but it also has so many, many calls to deeper motivations. The good pleasure of God is so much more important than varying degrees of trouble in life. What parents and church leaders teach the young should reflect that.

(I do remember as a teen hearing several preachers speak of one sin or other in terms of if you do this you’ve permanently wrecked God’s plan for your life. I had the impression at the time that most of us weren’t buying it. Chalked it up to evangelistic hyperbole. But maybe my impression was wrong. It just seems obvious that you can’t make that fit the Bible. Rahab and David come to mind, but then you have Moses, Paul, John-Mark, all of the “such were some of you” folks in Corinth, etc. It’s just not how “God’s plan for your life” works.)

According to 1 Cor. 6:18-20, God views sexual immorality differently than other sin and on par with idolatry. I think downplaying the importance that God places on purity by lumping it into the other sins we commit cheapens the importance of our purity to God.

That being said, purity (not virginity) should be what we stress with our teenagers and young adults, both male and female, because one’s virginity is not necessarily an indication of one’s purity.

In the FWIW category, the reason young women seem to be targeted more with messages concerning virginity may be that they are the ones who usually decide how far the relationship will progress. This, of course, implies that a guy will go as far as a girl is willing to go in the relationship. Right or wrong, this seems to me as a common relational dynamic in the dating relationship.

Reading Col. 3.5 … or doing a study on idolatry in general. Lots of things are idolatrous.

The biblically authoritative basis we have for putting sexual sin in a special category is indeed passages like 1Cor.6:18ff. But even then, the Bible does not teach that this sin is “worse” than others, but that it is special.

But lots of sins are special in different ways. Check out Prov. 6.16-19… six sins God especially hates and fornication doesn’t even make the list. (Of course, you do have warnings about sexual sin in the next set of verses Prov 6:21-24).

[T Howard]

In the FWIW category, the reason young women seem to be targeted more with messages concerning virginity may be that they are the ones who usually decided how far the relationship will progress. This, of course, implies that a guy will go as far as a girl is willing to go in the relationship. Right or wrong, this seems to me as a common relational dynamic in the dating relationship.

It is interesting that this is the relational dynamic, even in churches. Sounds contradictory that men aren’t “in charge of” the relationship dynamic until after marriage.

Susan,

I don’t want to be crass here, but even in marriage when it comes to sexual intimacy, it’s usually the wife who decides if there is going to be love making. If the guy decided, love making would happen multiple times per day (at least until ED kicked in).

[Aaron Blumer]

Reading Col. 3.5 … or doing a study on idolatry in general. Lots of things are idolatrous.

What does God most liken idolatry to in the OT? My only point here is that these two are often linked together in Scriptures.

[T Howard] In the FWIW category, the reason young women seem to be targeted more with messages concerning virginity may be that they are the ones who usually decide how far the relationship will progress. This, of course, implies that a guy will go as far as a girl is willing to go in the relationship. Right or wrong, this seems to me as a common relational dynamic in the dating relationship.

T Howard, those are all good points, and I agree with you on the flawed dynamic that is present in a ‘dating’ relationship (not to veer into the courtship-dating debate). Even in your argument though, you make my point - the woman will go as far as she will let the man take her, hence the passage in Songs that I mentioned earlier.

I believe someone mentioned that the emphasis on keeping pure is on the women - If I can challenge that one point, let’s think about what Proverbs said to the men in Proverbs chapters 2-6. The instruction is almost always pointed at the young men. Maybe that’s because we as guys are more easily drawn away by lust and immodesty than the ladies are, but the emphasis as far as I know is aimed at guys. Even Proverbs 31 is directed at guys, although that chapter is describing the value of a good wife (cf v. 10).

Even the personification of Wisdom a woman is primarily someone who is in a helper role to the men - come to me and I will show you how how to be wise, how to gain wisdom, how to live wisely, etc.

Just thought those were interesting. DanPhillips can probably add a lot more to this conversation that I could.

[T Howard]

Susan,

I don’t want to be crass here, but even in marriage when it comes to sexual intimacy, it’s usually the wife who decides if there is going to be love making.

Perhaps part of the problem is this constant emphasis on women as sexual conquests instead of as fellow human beings. I think it has already been noted that sex is preached and discussed in churches in a way that makes it sound shameful, disgusting, abomination, etc.. and then all of the sudden it’s not just OK, it’s supposed to be wonderful. This same preaching and teaching also leads to young men reducing women to sexual objects as well. Just because they aren’t being shown porn doesn’t mean that they aren’t being negatively affected by the constant barrage of purity and modesty messages aimed at girls.

I’ve had many conversations with young men whose Future Wife Wish List was limited to cooking, taking care of the home and the children, and taking care of him. No mention of her as a person, merely as maid, nanny, and sex object. And then they get married, and lo and behold, that is how they treat her.

The article points at a couple of extremes, and there is a real danger, IMO, of going off the deep end either way. Much of the purity movement, as well-intentioned as it might be, with proms and promises and rings and dates with dad, gives me the heebie-jeebies.

How much of this lack of discussion on proper, Biblical sexuality within the marriage relationship stems from the fact that most people are simply afraid of talking about it? Therefore, they limit the message to “No sex before marriage,” and, perhaps unwittingly, turn their gaze towards the teen girls when they utter this proclamation.

[Susan R]

Perhaps part of the problem is this constant emphasis on women as sexual conquests instead of as fellow human beings. I think it has already been noted that sex is preached and discussed in churches in a way that makes it sound shameful, disgusting, abomination, etc.. and then all of the sudden it’s not just OK, it’s supposed to be wonderful. This same preaching and teaching also leads to young men reducing women to sexual objects as well…

I’ve had many conversations with young men whose Future Wife Wish List was limited to cooking, taking care of the home and the children, and taking care of him. No mention of her as a person, merely as maid, nanny, and sex object. And then they get married, and lo and behold, that is how they treat her.

Susan, I would suggest the guy’s fascination with conjugal intimacy is less about viewing his wife as a “sexual conquest” or “non-person” than it is about being a young guy with testosterone oozing out of his ears and finally given the green light to enjoy sexual pleasure. So, I wouldn’t necessarily frame this dynamic in terms of power (though many do) but in terms of biology. Most men want to have sex as much as possible. They don’t need romantic candlelight dinners, flowers, or Claire de Lune to get in the mood. That is how they are wired from puberty.

That being said, guys are normally the initiators in the sexual encounter (despite what Proverbs may lead one to conclude). But, it’s most often the woman who decides whether sexual intimacy will actually occur. This relationship dynamic is usually true both before and during marriage.

As this relates to our topic, again I believe purity should be emphasized to both genders. However, the reality is that women are the ones who ultimately decide if the relationship turns sexual.

Why are the husbands the only ones who initiate it? My thinking is that maybe the husbands need to figure out how to be a bit more sensitive to what their wives want. Instead of always trying to get what they want give her what she wants and then maybe the wives would initiate it. This is a Biblical issue- husbands love your wives- dwell with them according to knowledge. In other words if we learn to show love for them in the sexual relationship, then we should not be surprised if they initiate something that will bring them pleasure.

Further, I must confront the terribly flawed thinking that the girl has to be the one to put on the brakes because the boy will never stop. If our Christian single men are that depraved, we need to start preaching at them and holding them accountable for their actions instead of just suggesting that they are a lost cause so the girl has to take responsibility. Both are responsible. Both need to be taught to put the brakes on.