How to Handle Conflict Without Exploding Your Relationships

Conflicts can be the roadside bombs of relationships in families, teams, churches and friendships. They can explode and cause great damage to the ability to work together, communicate clearly, and protect community.

We all have experienced this and have stories of how destructive conflict has been in our lives and the lives of others we know. When processed with a right heart and biblical wisdom, conflict can have the opposite effect of actually growing deeper relationships with trust, understanding, and forgiveness.

Avoiding conflict in every situation is not the best option. We don’t live in the Garden of Eden with a perfect relationship with one another, God, and our world. Sin brought conflict into the human experience in Adam and Eve’s relationship with each other and God (Gen. 3:1-13). The curse demonstrated this would be an ongoing challenge for us (Gen. 3:14-19), and the first family even had conflict with sibling rivalry that ended in a homicide (Gen. 4:1-13)!

The good news of the promise of a Redeemer gives with it the hope and help that affects every relationship in our lives (Gen. 3:15). Scripture gives us examples of conflict in multiple historical passages, and wisdom for managing conflict in a constructive way.

Because conflict is essentially a matter of the heart, it exposes our motives, character, attitudes, values, and behavior. Like other aspects of our lives, conflict comes from the heart (Prov. 4:23; Mt. 12:34-35). My heart has been exposed before God and it’s sinful and has a selfish bent made clear to me in conflict many times. Conflict has also allowed me to grow deeper in the grace of God, to depend more on the Holy Spirit, deal with sin through Christ’s provision, and be changed in progressive conformity to Christ.

That only happens when I open myself to a “heart exam” in times of conflict.

Once we recognize the reality and danger of conflict in our relationships and are willing to allow our hearts to be exposed and changed, only then will we be ready to apply biblical wisdom to resolving the conflict in a constructive way. Here are some key biblical truths that have helped me grow in conflict management and equip others in handling conflict in relationships.

1. Realize both parties are responsible to pursue reconciliation (Mt. 5:23-24; 18:15-17). Avoiding and blame-shifting are out of bounds in the teaching of Christ.
2. Turn up your listening and turn down your tongue and temper (Js. 1:19-20; Prov. 18:13). In times of conflict, work harder at listening to the thoughts, feelings, and perspective of the other person, and then give them feedback.
3. Speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15, 25). Some of us struggle more with speaking the truth because we would rather avoid conflict. Others speak the truth but use it like a club. The Christlike way is to speak the truth with an attitude of sacrificial love.
4. Deal with conflict that day (Eph. 4:26-27). The passage is clear that unresolved conflict and anger issues give our spiritual enemy a beachhead in our relationships. Keeping short accounts is much better than maintaining a growing list of offenses.
5. Use constructive not destructive words (Eph. 4:29). “Sticks and stones…” is not true. Our words either build up and minister grace or they tear down and leave people wounded. Attack the problem not the person.
6. Avoid Spirit-grieving attitudes (Eph. 4:30-31). We need the filling and power of the Holy Spirit in our relationships. The anger attitudes described in this text grieve the Spirit and cause us to live in the realm of our fallen flesh.
7. Be committed to sensitivity and forgiveness (Eph. 4:32). Because Jesus taught us to love even our enemies, kindness and forgiveness should characterize our response in conflict.

Conflict does not have to leave your relationships shell shocked and filled with verbal and emotional shrapnel. The roadside bombs in our relationships can be safely exposed and removed by following the teaching of Scripture with a heart that is prepared to grow in Christ.