Disagreeing, with Grace (Part 1)

By Kurt Seboe.

When King Pyrrhus defeated the Romans at Heraclea in 280 BC, he achieved a significant victory that inflicted such a devastating toll on him that it was essentially a defeat. This is the origin of the term “Pyrrhic victory,” which refers to a win that comes at such a high cost to the victor that it is almost tantamount to losing.¹ In warfare, a vic­tory can sometimes turn out to be a loss upon closer inspection. Similarly, amid disagreements, what seems like a win can lead to unintend­ed consequences. These “Pyrrhic victories” can transform an apparent success into a disaster. While the conflict may be won, it often comes at a steep price.

Disagreements Are Inevitable

Are we paying a steep price for Pyrrhic victo­ries in our families, friendships, workplaces, and churches? How do we communicate with those with whom we disagree? My wife and I might agree that we want to watch a football game. When I suggest watching the Packers, she coun­ters, “How about the Chiefs?” But don’t worry about us; we’ll figure it out because love finds a way. In the workplace, conflicts can arise over deadlines, project direction, and even personali­ties. We can reach an impasse with fellow church members over personal offenses or matters of conscience. Disagreements are inevitable.

Finding common ground can be particularly challenging among church members, especially when the “mind of Christ” is secondary and deep, loving relationships are weak. Disagreements among church members and between leaders are common. Questions arise, such as, “Why do we sing this song so often?” or “Why doesn’t the pastor address my concerns?” There are more significant issues at play—like leadership vision, budgeting, building projects, and church disci­pline—that need to be addressed, but these can also lead to significant discord. Additionally, secular influences, such as those discussed by Charles Taylor in his book, A Secular Age, remind us that we live in what he terms the “age of authenticity.” In this age, individuals feel entitled to pursue whatever makes them feel “authentic,” often at the expense of communal values. The prevailing sentiment is that nothing trumps one’s right to be considered “authentic.”

In this post-Christian era, often referred to as the “negative world,” Christianity is increasingly viewed not as a societal benefit but as a threat to societal progress. Once widely embraced, Christian values and ethics are now frequently perceived as hateful and bigoted. This cul­tural shift creates a significant temptation for Christians to compromise the truth of Scripture on contentious issues like gender and marriage. Many may feel pressure to conform to societal definitions of love and acceptance, even when these diverge from biblical teachings.

However, we must resist this temptation and stand firm in our faith. We must hold fast to the Scriptures and adhere to what they teach, regardless of how unpopular these views may be in today’s culture.

Take Out Your Bibles

“Where there are disagreements of principle, argue them out. Take out your Bibles, think things through, find out why you are disagree­ing, and be willing to be corrected.”—D.A. Carson.

If we communicate biblical truth without love, we miss the mark. Upholding the truth of Christ requires communication that honors Him; how we express ourselves is extremely important. None of us knows everything, so we learn by listening to others. Disagreement should not be taken personally; it is an inevi­table result of our limited knowledge, differing perspectives, experiences, and sinful nature. Therefore, we should remain open to correction and engage in healthy disagreement.

James 1:19 states, “Let every per­son be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 also applies to healthy communication. Since “love is patient,” it allows people to finish their thoughts. Love does not “boast,” meaning it sets aside ego. It does not “insist on its way” or push its proposals. Love “rejoices with the truth,” which means it actively seeks the truth. Because love “bears all things” and “hopes all things,” it overlooks minor mistakes and interprets the words of others most favorably. All of this is rel­evant to healthy conflict.

Humility and love shield us from being rude, harsh, angry, argumenta­tive, manipulative, or condescending. When we communicate with love—as we have been loved by Christ—we do so not only with conviction but also with graciousness. When we communicate with humility—as we have been served by Christ—we do so not only with cour­age but also with respect, considering others as more important than ourselves.

Conscience and Love

One major issue in disputes is the concept of conscience. But what exactly does conscience mean? According to Naselli and Crowley, conscience is the internal sense that what we experience in our conscience is a secret. We are also aware that an all-powerful, all-know­ing God is aware of this secret and will ultimately judge it at His great and ter­rifying tribunal.² Conscience reflects a person’s understanding of right and wrong, though it may not align with objective morality. For example, some­thing could be considered sinful, yet one’s conscience may not signal a warn­ing about it. The conscience judges our actions, and if it is misaligned, it influ­ences every aspect of how we live. Since everyone possesses a conscience, it plays a significant role in disagreements.³

The conscience is a crucial factor concerning how we treat and commu­nicate with those who disagree with us on disputable matters. Christians are encouraged to welcome these individu­als, just as they have been welcomed by Christ, as this action glorifies God.

By consistently ignoring the warn­ing of our conscience, we make it less sensitive. Over time, this habit weakens its voice until it eventually fades away completely. Paul refers to this process as “searing” the conscience.

Such teach­ings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. (1Ti 4:2, NIV)

Mind your con­science. Embracing this single principle could resolve many relationship issues both inside and outside the church. This is why we need Romans 14! However, we must truly understand that no Christian’s conscience fully aligns with God’s standards. No one’s does.

We live in a time when many Christians and Christian leaders give little consideration to the nature and functions of conscience. Our conscienc­es can be easily swayed to align with contemporary values. There are notice­able divides between stricter and more lenient Christians, which can lead to unhealthy responses, worldly influences, and even demonic activity.

Read Part 2.