Modesty Conversations
I know that modesty is subjective, and therefore one person’s definition of what is modest and what isn’t will be different than other people’s definitions. That being said, what do you think is the best way to approach a sister in Christ regarding their immodesty, or the immodesty of their teenage daughters without giving offense?
When I go to church it is to worship God, fellowship with other believers, and encourage/edify each other. There are temptations I face every day “out in the world” that I would rather not fight while I’m at church. Some of the immodesty I see is either borderline or not alluring to me personally, but likely would be to someone else.
The problem lies in the fact that if I approach my friend and inform him that his daughter’s clothing might be considered immodest to some people, the danger is that he will view me as some kind of pervert for even thinking about his daughter “that way”. I’m concerned for my teenage son, the other boys in the youth group, and the other men in the church since I know how the male mind works.
Thoughts?
- 47 views
I am amazed at how much of a problem modesty has become, and how little it has been discussed. Is it all under the banner of Christian Liberty?
One problem is that the sin of the immodest doesn’t seem to have the same sin for doing and skandalon. In other words, “immodest dressing” seems like a different sin from “lust.”
Another problem is that there is an aspect of relativity in immodesty. Immodesty, to some extent, is defined by being more immodest than most others in a particular setting.
Another problem is that there is a sense in which modesty is related to beauty. In this way, think of immodesty as showing off. And a very beautiful girl will find herself more immodest than her friends, even though she is dressing just like them. This can feel unfair to her - and taught wrongly, it could communicate to her that her beauty is bad.
Another problem is that our society has confused “pretty” with “sexy.” It can be confusing to a girl to feel like she can’t wear what is pretty. Am I really expected to make myself ugly? - My wife and I were asked that by girls we talked to about this.
Another problem (I think) is the parents, who might have very different reasons for allowing or encouraging immodesty.
- I believe that moms sometimes remember looking just like that when they were girls. And since their pride is hurt by no longer looking like their skinny identity, they puff up their pride by living through their beautiful daughter.
- Some fathers just can’t imagine their little girl as “sexy.” So they naively don’t address her immodesty. (Some moms would fit in this category, also.)
- Other fathers who are into porn might feel so ashamed of being attracted to their daughter that they run away from the whole topic (and maybe their daughter). For fathers like that the topic of beauty and modesty is just not something they can talk with their daughter about. So she gets no guidance from him.
Another problem is that we as beholders need to understand that it’s not right to blame our sin on their immodesty. We must teach “sister” status for non-wives.
-=-=-=-=-
Goodellsboy asked: “I am amazed at how much of a problem modesty has become, and how little it has been discussed. Is it all under the banner of Christian Liberty?”
I’ve been writing a lot about Christian Liberty lately. So let me begin this by saying that the phrasing of this question makes it look like you think that once something is “under the banner of Christian Liberty,” it becomes untouchable in terms of our ability to use God’s Word to confront one another. Even - no especially - on Christian Liberty issues we need God’s Word for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.
Dan, I know what you mean about pretty vs sexy. There was a girl in my church who was a pastor’s daughter. She was classically beautiful, sweet, kind, caring, and patient. I don’t ever remember witnessing her do anything wrong in the six years I knew her (from about age 12 to when she left for BJU). She was beautiful, but not “sexy.” She did not dress to reveal or incite to lust. And then there are other women who wear short skirts, tops that reveal their bra straps, etc.
Modesty is such a hard and divisive issue because there’s no solid line that separates modesty and immodesty. A woman wearing a t-shirt and knee-length shorts in a Midwestern town would probably be viewed as modest. That same girl in that same outfit would be seen as immodest in some societies (such as Muslims, Amish, etc). And if she wore a halter top and short-shorts, her dress would be seen as immodest in the Midwest, but in California she may be viewed as modest.
Discussion