Dealing with Abuse/Molestation properly

I like your list.

I would remove/change some clauses in at least I. and II.

If I wrote them they would be:

I. Receive report, let victim know that you believe him/her

II. Contact police and child protective authorities (Mandatory reporting laws require people to report. The “reasonable suspicion” is to be determine by the authorities, not by the reporter.)

I would encourage secular counseling with professionals who understand abuse/molestation. A pastor-counselor does not have the skill to deal with these situations.

[Rachel L.] I like your list.

I would remove/change some clauses in at least I. and II.

If I wrote them they would be:

I. Receive report, let victim know that you believe him/her

II. Contact police and child protective authorities (Mandatory reporting laws require people to report. The “reasonable suspicion” is to be determine by the authorities, not by the reporter.)

I would encourage secular counseling with professionals who understand abuse/molestation. A pastor-counselor does not have the skill to deal with these situations.

Rachel,

I have worked with abused children and you do not necessarily want to tell them that you believe them up front, out of concern for attention seeking behavior from those who have been repeatedly abused. That being said you also do not want to take the approach of some on this forum (and I’ll resist the urge to name names) who would like a trial by fire for the victim. Maybe I am just quibbling over words but giving them the benefit of the doubt and being lovingly gentle with them is a better approach. I know that relatively few cases of abuse turn out to be just “crying wolf” but they do happen. Oh, and just to dig myself a deeper hole, if I bothered to look it up I could tell you that there is a high percentage of people who falsely cry abuse that have actually been abused at some point in their life.

I strongly disagree though with your broad brush that a pastor-counselor does not have the skill to deal with abuse situations, maybe that’s only true with IFB churches though :-D

I. Receive report,

a) Ask intelligent questions to explore scope of problem.

b) Provide Comfort (1 Thess 5:14) to those who have been hurt

II. If there is reasonable suspicion that law has been broken, contact police / child protection authorities.

III. Contact any parents/guardians that are not believed to be involved in the abuse.

IV. Notify appropriate church leadership.

V. Begin church discipline where necessary. (Matthew 18)

VI. Set limits on freedom/responsibility of accused as appropriate.

VII. Pursue counseling with any/all parties who will receive it.

a) Participate with mandated outside secular counselors where appropriate.

b) Pursue Pastoral Counseling if the Pastor is trained and knowledgeable in counseling those who have been abused.

i) Pursue outside counseling if the pastor is untrained or uncomfortable (i.e. to close to home)

Asking intelligent questions requires diligence. The account of Joshua and the Gibeonites has taught me a lot. Follow up and probing questions, while sometimes awkward, are a necessity. I can recall a number of instances where further questions would have changed seriously altered the actions that were taken.

Here’s the policy that we use in the church I’m attending. I can’t answer a ton of questions about it, but it might be a helpful start. I have removed the name of city the church is located in from the policy and made a couple of formatting tweaks, but the substance is the same.

edit - see http://sharperiron.org/comment/31241#comment-31241] post #58 for the file I mentioned.

You have to report right away. Let the authorities determine the scope and extent or reality of the abuse. Investigation isn’t our role. Counseling victims is and leading the church in how to handle the situation including discipline if the perpetrator is connected with the church in any way. But investigation isn’t our first or primary responsibility.

The Church should be taught on how to handle abuse and molestation. Prevention goes a long way.

The other thing that goes a long way is mandatory background checks of all people on staff.

I. Receive report,

a) Ask intelligent questions to explore scope of problem.

b) Provide Comfort (1 Thess 5:14 [Open in Logos Bible Software (if available)] ) to those who have been hurt

II. Contact police / child protection authorities immediately

III. Contact any parents/guardians that are not believed to be involved in the abuse.

IV. Notify appropriate church leadership.

V. Begin church discipline where necessary. (Matthew 18)

VI. Set limits on freedom/responsibility of accused as appropriate.

VII. Pursue counseling with any/all parties who will receive it.

a) Participate with mandated outside secular counselors where appropriate.

b) Pursue Pastoral Counseling if the Pastor is trained and knowledgeable in counseling those who have been abused.

i) Pursue outside counseling if the pastor is untrained or uncomfortable (i.e. to close to home)

(I never thought I would type these words, but I agree with Don :D )

Regarding #2, given the uniform existence of mandatory reporting laws, church leaders ought to obtain legal counsel so that they understand the requirements of the laws of their state. Note that these laws vary from state to state, so you need counsel who is familiar (or becomes familiar) with your own state’s laws. Also, while this should go without saying, be cautious about generalities that you find online.

Mandatory reporting laws establish a floor, not a ceiling, for our responsibility. Nonetheless, we need to understand this aspect of our responsibility, including who in the church is covered (e.g., are nursery workers covered in your state?) and what the nature of the obligation is. Note that reporting obligations are not necessarily limited to instances in which a person specifically alleges that he has been abused or has witnessed abuse occurring: certain circumstantial evidence can be sufficient to require a report. What and how much? That is an important thing to learn.

Consider requiring each person who is a mandatory reporter to go through some form of meaningful training and retaining records of this training.

[Rachel L.] II. Contact police and child protective authorities (Mandatory reporting laws require people to report. The “reasonable suspicion” is to be determine by the authorities, not by the reporter.)

Rachel, in what states is this last statement true? This would seem to depend on how the state statute was written. I found the following statement in a Virginia Child Protection Newsletter tonight: “It is not the reporter’s task to substantiate the abuse, only to report reasonable suspicion.” While I would not deem this legal advice on the scope of Virginia’s statute, it is noteworthy.

[Don Johnson] You have to report right away. Let the authorities determine the scope and extent or reality of the abuse. Investigation isn’t our role.

I would agree that we need not investigate and substantiate the occurrence of abuse, but exactly what are you saying must be reported right away? I am uncomfortable with the vagueness.

[Rachel L.] A pastor-counselor does not have the skill to deal with these situations.

Why not?

[Brent Marshall]

[Don Johnson] You have to report right away. Let the authorities determine the scope and extent or reality of the abuse. Investigation isn’t our role.

I would agree that we need not investigate and substantiate the occurrence of abuse, but exactly what are you saying must be reported right away? I am uncomfortable with the vagueness.

Brent, first of all, I should say that I appreciate the balance of your remarks, and I think you are wise to suggest getting legal counsel. There are many pitfalls in all legal dealings.

I believe that if we have an allegation of child abuse here, we are required to report that to the police. I should check that out and make sure I know what is required here. Our abuse policy spells out our responsibilities, which include making sure we have the facts straight about any allegation and that we report any allegation to the authorities. Here are a couple of lines from the policy:

1. Each Team Member who has reasonable grounds to believe or suspect that a child may be in need of protection or may have been abused, as defined by the law, has the responsibility to make the report directly to the authorities and shall not rely on any one other person to report on his or her behalf.

The definition of “reasonable grounds” is what an average person, given his or her training, background and experience, exercising normal and honest judgment, would suspect.

Our policies call for filling out an Incident Report with pertinent data in it and a checklist of actions to follow, including:

5) The appropriate governmental authorities are notified concerning the incident.

Rachel, the Iowa Law Code specifically states that a report must be made if there is a “reasonable suspicion of abuse.” Those exact words are used in the law. It is just as great a crime to report each and every unreasonable allegation of abuse made against a church member as it is to fail to report a reasonable suspicion of abuse. In 2007 in the State of Iowa only 25% of the reports made to the Department of Human Services were found to involve actual cases of abuse.

Here’s one example. I know a friend who was working in a church in the Awana program. A child was acting up and this man put his hands on the boy’s shoulder and told him to calm down. The child immediately blurted out, “Hey, you touched me funny.” Thankfully this happened in a room full of people, so everyone was able to see exactly what had happened. Kids today know exactly what to say to get an adult in trouble. This is an example of a situation where someone was accused of something, but there was no reasonable suspicion that any abuse occured. It would have been wrong to report that to the authorities.

So I agree with Mike that questions should be asked to determine if there is a reasonable suspicion of abuse or mistreatment, but NOT to establish full-fledged guilt or innocence. If there is any question, it should be reported.

Please research Ezzo and GKGW stuff. It can be abusive. I don’t know how many infants have gotten into the hosp b/c of his method, but it’s a lot (I have friends this happened to).

One such book, On Becoming Babywise, has raised concern among pediatricians because it outlines an infant feeding program that has been associated with failure to thrive (FTT), poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning. A Forsyth Medical Hospital Review Committee, in Winston-Salem N.C., has listed 11 areas in which the program is inadequately supported by conventional medical practice. The Child Abuse Prevention Council of Orange County, Calif., stated its concern after physicians called them with reports of dehydration, slow growth and development, and FTT associated with the program. And on Feb. 8, AAP District IV passed a resolution asking the Academy to investigate “Babywise,” determine the extent of its effects on infant health and alert its members, other organizations and parents of its findings. http://aapnews.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/14/4/21

With the child rasing stuff, here is a page with various pastors responses to his method:

http://www.ezzo.info/pastor.htm

Gentleman,

My point is/was that if we are attempting to develop guidelines for churches whose default has too often been under-reporting, that the language should be carefully chosen to indicate that REPORTING is the default as opposed to personally investigating, determining the “reasonableness” and THEN perhaps reporting. I daresay that here it is more important to emphasize reporting than it is to emphasize “reasonableness.” If a child claims to be taken up in a UFO and taken to Siberia, then yes, determining the reasonableness of reporting makes sense. But this has not been the problem that is being remedied. It is also important to remember that false claims are very, very, very, very rare.

As a matter of fact, the fact that a couple of you have latched onto this aspect concerns me. :-/ When there is any doubt in “reasonableness” a pastor should err of the side of reporting.

Rachel L. wrote:

A pastor-counselor does not have the skill to deal with these situations.

Why not?

Because abuse situations require significant training, education, and experience to deal with. Unless a pastor has also been a professional counselor specializing in abuse, he does not have the skill necessary to help the victim with ALL of his/her issues. A pastor’s help could be a valuable addition to professional help, but it should not replace it.

G.R.A.C.E. (the non-profit that ABWE is working with) says this about the issue of counseling:

It is essential that the psychologist or psychiatrist be experienced in working with victims or perpetrators and be well versed in the abundant research on child sexual abuse. Keep in mind that most psychologists received little, if any training at the undergraduate or graduate level on child sexual abuse. Accordingly, if a given therapist has not taken the initiative to master the literature in this area and is not experienced in working with this issue, he or she is simply incompetent to work these cases. If your community has a child advocacy center certified by the National Children’s Alliance, contact that center for a referral.

May I expand on this particular clause?

…In cooperation with a sister church, transfer the alleged offender, under very close, strict watch. This puts distance between both the offended and the alleged offender until all the facts come to light and the justice system has been allowed to work.

Do NOT simply forget about the alleged offender, unlike a lot of people who wish it were so, molestation is NOT the unforgivable sin. Saying that, I TOTALLY understand that there are everlasting consequences, but if they are truly repentant, then they must know that they are in fact forgiven by the church after the discipline process has run it’s course.

On a tiny tangent, this is the area of church discipline that I’ve seen fail time and time and time and time again - we don’t seek to restore, just punish. Yes, I know where of I speak in this instance. There has been no attempt whatsoever in wooing, pursuing, even followup in a discipline case (not a molestation case, not at all, but still, the example works the same - churches often punish/discipline, but don’t follow through! It’s my particular ax to grind, I suppose.)

There is a book by Bill Anderson, called http://amzn.to/h0pVXc] When Child Abuse Comes to Church . I recommend it as an excellent resource.

When I first came to this here church, there were rumors of sexual abuse cases (atleast 2). It was a hectic few months. One of the people was said to have preformed lesbian acts on a minor and supposedly had a restraining order against her. However, the parents did not enforce that order of protection against her. When I heard about it, I strongly warned that I WOULD inform the police without any question to it. I told the parents I was siding with them. However, the parents decided that the restraining order was not all that important so they dropped it. That happened before I came. It was “handled” long before I got here. The rumors remained.

The other allegation was that the former youth leader had gotten a couple teen girls pregnant. Those teens were not in church when I got here. They had left a year or so before.

One last instance was brought to my attention to finish off my last day of 2005. Supposedly, a man in the church, who held an office, had molested his nephew for some 17 years. I immediately took detailed notes of the information as he gave it. I used some of the training I learned as a juvenile prison guard. his answers were seamless. I thought it would be wise for him to meet another pastor in the area, one who has handled these types of problems before, and he also found little variation in the story. So, I called the sheriff’s. They learned that it was beyond the statute of limitations and they did nothing about it. I asked to speak to them face to face and asked them for a letter stating that they were not going to get involved in the situation. They declined the letter but told me that the accuser was being investigated for the same charges (only against his own children.) When I sat down with the accused AFTER calling the police, I told them what was going on, and told them who it was that accused him, he agreed to meet with that person to openly discuss the allegations. Neither party followed through and the member left church over it. He resigned his office, and his membership (which i didnt think was possible) and hasnt been back except for 5 or 6 services.

Dealing with the allegations can be tricky. I will say that I dont know why people come to me to call the police. Call them directly.

Instead of sitting at our computers and guessing what the best course of action is, maybe we ought to make appointments with local attorneys or police officers to discuss how to best handle accusations of child abuse and molestation. If your church can’t afford to meet with an experienced attorney for consultation, it might be wise to go to the Library and spend some time looking up the laws. If nothing else, then you’re demonstrating a real concern for the children and adults in your churches to the unsaved, which will glorify Christ.

Proverbs 21:31 seems to be fitting and appropriate here.

For a quick, general overview, I would recommend contacting your church’s insurance agent, assuming you’re insured through Brotherhood Mutual or Church Mutual (or a similar company that specializes in insuring churches). I just watched a video distributed by C. M., and it was an excellent starting point. These companies have a vested interest in helping us handle these cases properly and to give due diligence to preventing them from happening in the first place.

I killed a few minutes and typed this up. I need to write one of these anyway. This is divided up into Pre-Crisis, Crisis, and Post-Crisis. Sorry of someone doesn’t like the word crisis, it is a crisis though.

Pre-Crisis:

I. Develop a Plan of action unique to your own church, locality and state

a) Purchase an Insurance Policy for your church

II. Mandatory Background and Reference Checks for all church staff and employees.

III. The Pastor (and elders depending on church government model) need to teach the congregation regarding:

a) Biblical Parenting

i) Authors whose material is frequently used for excusing abuse (The Pearls, Gary Ezzo)

b) Biblical Discipline

i) The Sin of Abusing anyone

ii) The sin of neglecting to care for one’s household (1 Tim. 5:8)

IV. Mandatory Training of Church Staff who works directly and indirectly with children on signs and symptoms of abuse and neglect, as well as what the Bible says, what the law says and what church policy is.

a) It must be clearly stated that covering up abuse will not be tolerated.

V. Counseling Training for anyone who may be asked to be involved in the counseling of an abuse incident

a) These people should also be trained in how to work with outside authorites, counselors, social workers etc.

Crisis:

I. Receive report,

a) Ask intelligent questions to explore scope of problem.

b) Provide Comfort (1 Thess 5:14 ) to those who have been hurt

c) Document thoroughly in writing all interactions with all parties involved in allegations

II. Contact police / child protection authorities immediately

* Abuse should be reported regardless of mandated reporting laws. Reporting of abuse allegations should be the default. Some states require mandatory reporting if there is even a reasonable suspicion of abuse or neglect, so know your states laws and default to confronting (Matt. 18) and reporting (Romans 13) suspicions of abuse and neglect.

a) Seek Legal Counsel to ensure that the law is followed to a ‘t’ before abuse comes up.



III. Contact any parents/guardians that are not believed to be involved in the abuse.

IV. Notify appropriate church leadership.

V. Begin church discipline where necessary. (Matthew 18)

a)Private Confrontation

b) 2-3 Witnesses

c) Before The Church

d) Put the Person out

VI. Set limits on freedom/responsibility of accused as appropriate.

a) Anyone in leadership should have to step down until they are either cleared or found not guilty

b) Until there is a conclusion the person should be supervised

c) It may be necessary to bring other families in the church into the situation if the abuse is in the home

i) Provide for an abused family member or the alleged perpetrator to stay in a neutral location

d) Provide another church or ministry for the person to attend until the matter is cleared up

VII. Pursue counseling with any/all parties who will receive it.

a) Participate with mandated outside secular counselors where appropriate.

b) Pursue Pastoral Counseling if the Pastor is trained and knowledgeable in counseling those who have been abused.

i) Pursue outside counseling if the pastor is untrained or uncomfortable (i.e. the abuse is to close to home)

VIII. Develop A Plan of Action for the Crisis

a) Every Situation has some unique elements to it, and a plan should be made to care for all parties involved including the alleged perpetrator and their family.

Post-Crisis - A Plan of Action for each of these should be developed at the time that the incident is first brought to light. Confrontation, Counseling and Restoration need to be planned for and not done haphazardly.

I. If the Accused Party is Found Guilty

II. If the Accused Party is Found Not Guilty

III. If the Accused Party is Guilty but the statute of limitations has expired

IV. In all cases there needs to be a plan in writing for restoration

[PastorTimDelello] Dealing with the allegations can be tricky. I will say that I dont know why people come to me to call the police. Call them directly.

In a former life, I was an advocate for children who had been abused. This was in direct response to my own experience as a Foster parent, and the the ineffectiveness I observed by local child welfare organizations.

Basically, our advice to all was to contact the POLICE with any credible allegation of abuse. Abuse is a CRIME. Crimes should be handled by law enforcement and (in Florida) the State’s Attorney. State child welfare departments have their place, but identifying and pursuing criminals is not one of them.

[PastorTimDelello] I will say that I don’t know why people come to me to call the police.

Pastor Tim,

I can answer this. If things go south they can blame all of the fallout on you.

Bill

[Bill Green]

[PastorTimDelello] I will say that I don’t know why people come to me to call the police.

Pastor Tim,

I can answer this. If things go south they can blame all of the fallout on you.

Bill

That’s a bit cynical, even for me (that’s saying something)

People go to their pastors for Spiritual and Biblical wisdom and comfort in dealing with tough issues for which they do not believe they can handle on their own.

It is the Pastors job to care for Christ’s sheep - that is what they come to you.

People should not deal with further abuse and neglect when they come to the pastor - they know that intuitively and from the Scriptures (i.e. the Pastoral Epistles 1 and 2 Timothy and Titus).

[JThomas] That’s a bit cynical, even for me (that’s saying something)

Maybe I have a gift. :)

[Bill Green]

[JThomas] That’s a bit cynical, even for me (that’s saying something)

Maybe I have a gift. :)

Oh I agree. It’s Found next to sarcasm - one of the more elite spiritual gifts :)

Jonathan, I know that you are the compiler/scribe here, so these comments are focused on the outline, not you personally.

[JThomas] II. Contact police / child protection authorities immediately

* Abuse should be reported regardless of mandated reporting laws. Reporting of abuse allegations should be the default. Some states require mandatory reporting if there is even a reasonable suspicion of abuse or neglect, so know your states laws and default to confronting (Matt. 18) and reporting (Romans 13) suspicions of abuse and neglect.

This does not seem to account for the possibility of an allegation that does not raise reasonable suspicion, such as the example Greg raised. Unless your state requires a report regardless, that should be factored into the analysis and decision, as discussed earlier in the thread.

[JThomas] V. Begin church discipline where necessary. (Matthew 18)

I have been trying to think of circumstances in which a report to authorities was warranted but an inquiry/confrontation with the accused person (assuming that person is a church member) would not be necessary. To this point I have thought of none. Does something occur to anyone else?

[JThomas] VI. Set limits on freedom/responsibility of accused as appropriate.

a) Anyone in leadership should have to step down until they are either cleared or found not guilty

b) Until there is a conclusion the person should be supervised

c) It may be necessary to bring other families in the church into the situation if the abuse is in the home

i) Provide for an abused family member or the alleged perpetrator to stay in a neutral location

d) Provide another church or ministry for the person to attend until the matter is cleared up

This raises a host of concerns. Three come immediately to mind. First, putting a person out of leadership, as in (a), or out of the church, as stated in (d), seems like presumptive de facto church discipline/expulsion. Is it consistent with Scripture to do this at this early stage? One can say that this is simply a temporary measure, but I am not sure that meets the Biblical issue. That warrants consideration. That also leads to the next issue.

Second, “cleared” by whom? And what does “cleared” mean? What if the authorities close a matter without action? That does not necessarily mean that they concluded that nothing improper occurred. It could reflect a decision that there was not sufficient authority or resources or evidence to proceed, or it could reflect some other exercise of prosecutorial discretion. What if the authorities delay due to extreme case load or inadequate resources? Is the accused not left in limbo in such cases?

Third, what level of suspicion/evidence is necessary to invoke these measures? I am struck by Greg’s statement, “In 2007 in the State of Iowa only 25% of the reports made to the Department of Human Services were found to involve actual cases of abuse.” We need to be careful all the way around.

1. Legal Costs: If you can find counsel that is already knowledgeable (so that you are not paying them for original research), then I would not expect this to require great expense. Regardless, consider getting together with like-minded churches in your state and dividing the costs. A Christian legal organization might be an option.

2. Other Resources: Bryan’s thought about checking with your insurance carrier and Jay’s comment about checking with local authorities are good thoughts. Recalling some good materials by Richard Hammer, including his useful book Pastor, Church, and Law and his Church Law & Tax Report newsletter, I located his organization’s http://www.churchlawandtax.com/ web site and found a link to a http://store.churchlawtodaystore.com/chseabrepl.html Child Sexual Abuse Response Plan Download for less than $20. I also found a link to http://www.reducingtherisk.com/ Reducing the Risk , a program created by Richard Hammer that includes DVD-based instruction. I know nothing more than what I see on the web sites, but they might be helpful.

3. Background Checks: If you are doing background checks and retaining the results, you need to ascertain what confidentiality obligations might exist for those records, especially those that are not clean. You should also consider setting and enforcing a strong policy limiting access to those records (it is not just a matter of locking them, but considering who has the key and who might be in a position to get to them) and consider a policy of not keeping such records longer than necessary.

Brent, I appreciate your ongoing contributions. Really, the discussion on this thread is what we need to take away from this story. Most of us are not in any position to influence the outcome other than by prayer. (No small thing.)

I graduated from BJU in 1979, MDiv in 83. The subject was not significantly addressed in the schools at that time. This is not to blame the schools, it just wasn’t on anyone’s radar screen back then. In fact, the first time I really thought about it was when, in a pastor’s reading group, we read the book by Bill Anderson that I linked to above. That got us started on thinking about church policies.

Our insurance companies here in Canada provided liability insurance for abuse, but it was only about five years ago or so (not more than 8 years ago) that they required us to have a formal written abuse policy. They have since continued to provide additional information and advice on these matters, including a video they sent out for us last year.

I say all that to say that most pastors are really just getting up to speed about this. (Not saying that I know I have figured it all out!) But these are new challenges for us and we do need to be serious about educating ourselves and implementing wise policies, and being vigilant in our ministries.

I certainly hope our schools and seminaries are addressing this subject in the preacher’s class these days. It is no small matter.

[JThomas] a) Biblical Parenting

i) Authors whose material is frequently used for excusing abuse (The Pearls, Gary Ezzo)

I would add Gothard/ATI to that list. I have read and heard terrible terrible things: physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse.

If I can, I will try to get a list of parenting resources together and post it here.

I’ve put this list together from various sources. It’s mostly books and authors that focus on teaching/encouraging parents to love their children and they give alternative, creative, non-adversarial ways to help us help our children learn to obey and learn many, many other spiritual and human qualities.

Thesea are both secualar and Christian authors. I haven’t read them all, and the ones I have, I don’t agree with every word, of course, or all the philosophies, but I think they are books that will give parents *safe* and effective tools for childrearing. I don’t recommend any book that uses spanking as a primary means of discipline. Some of these books do talk about minimal spanking and when to use it, most do not encourage spanking at all. (I think I’m trying to say, a parent couldn’t read one of these books and from it’s teachings, come away with something that would harm their kids.) If you use this list in your church, you will probably refine it as people read them, but I think most are pretty sound.

Also, I want to mention that my home church in the TN has started a ministry reaching out to families at risk of abusing their children. They work with moms/parents recommended to them by the government (parents at risk of having their children removed from the home). Among other things, they teach parenting classes and have a great curriculum developed if anyone is interested in that—I can give you contact information.

Positive, safe parenting resources:

Danny Silk, Loving Our Kids On Purpose

Relational Parenting, How to Really Love Your Child, and others, Ross Campbell

Elizabeth Pantley

Heartfelt Discipline, Clay Clarkson

Grace Based Parenting, Tim Kimmel

The Discipline Book, William and Martha Sears

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, Becky A. Bailey

There’s Gotta Be A Better Way: Discipline That Works, Becky A. Bailey

Kids Are Worth It!, Barbara Coloroso

Positive Discipline The First Three Years, Jane Nelsen

Positive Time-Out, Jane Nelsen

Playful Parenting, Lawrence J. Cohen

How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, Faber & Mazlish

Siblings Without Rivalry, Faber & Mazlish

Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Love and Limits, Elizabeth Crary

Raising Your Children For Christ, Andrew Murray

Families Where Grace is In Place, Jeff Van Vonderan

Tired of Trying to Measure Up, Jeff Van Vonderan

The Measure of a Family, Gene A. Getz

Parenting is Heart Work, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller

Say Good-bye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes (in You and Your Kids), Scott Turansky and JoAnne Miller

Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries, Robert MacKenzie

Making Children Mind without Losing Yours, Dr. Kevin Leman

Parenting With Grace: A Catholic Parent’s Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids, Gregory Popcak

Jo Frost’s Supernanny books

The Mission of Motherhood, Sally Clarkson

Bob Bixby recently preached two good sermons for parents

Stop Playing the Parent Card and Start Dying to Parent http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?sermonID=32811025170

Children, Obey Your Sinners!

http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=410111643222

Websites for research

Ezzo/Babywise/Growing Kids God’s Way:

• http://www.ezzo.info/

• http://bobbixby.wordpress.com/2010/07/16/growing-kids-gods-way-not-ezzo…

• http://bobbixby.wordpress.com/2006/07/11/growing-kids-gods-way-not-ezzo…

http://watchmansbagpipes.blogspot.com/ A Christian apologist. Scroll down to his categories, and you’ll find posts on “Bill Gothard” and “Mike and Debi Pearl”

www.tulipgirl.com Categories for “GFI/Ezzo/Babywise” and “Pearls/TTUAC/NGJ”

I’m sure there’s tons more.

Encouragement and discernment:

www.thatmom.com She has great podcasts!

Against my better judgment, I am going to jump in here briefly on a very narrow topic of the law and reporting requirements.

For those who will not read all the way to the end of this, and realizing that there is no possible way that I can anticipate all the ways in which people might misread or misunderstand my comments, let me state up front that there is no possible way to legitimately accuse me of any attempt to participate or defend any perpetrator, abuse of any kind, or any coverup. Anyone who suggests such will be lying. I am not suggesting that anyone fail to report, or refuse to report. I am not suggesting that anyone try to handle anything “in house.” I am not suggesting that anyone counsel outside of their realm of knowledge and experience. I am not suggesting that anyone pass the buck to someone else. I am not suggesting that pastors have any role in determining whether or not something should be reported or whether or not something is actual child abuse. This comment addresses only the law.

II. Contact police and child protective authorities (Mandatory reporting laws require people to report. The “reasonable suspicion” is to be determine by the authorities, not by the reporter.)

Just a brief note about legal requirements and reporting: what Rachel says here is often repeated but it’s actually not true. Most states (if not all) have “reasonable suspicion” type of clause as the benchmark for reporting. You are required to report only if you are certain people and have “reasonable suspicion” or “reasonable cause.” You need to check the actual state laws of the state in question, which can be found online for most states if not all. It is imperative that you obtain counsel from an actual attorney and do not depend on armchair legal advice from people who may or may not know what they are talking about.

For instance, the state of Michigan http://www.legislature.mi.gov/%28S%28gzthrr45oma2tyigddgbhjeh%29%29/mil…] says ,

(1) An individual is required to report under this act as follows:

(a) A physician, dentist, physician’s assistant, registered dental hygienist, medical examiner, nurse, person licensed to provide emergency medical care, audiologist, psychologist, marriage and family therapist, licensed professional counselor, social worker, licensed master’s social worker, licensed bachelor’s social worker, registered social service technician, social service technician, a person employed in a professional capacity in any office of the friend of the court, school administrator, school counselor or teacher, law enforcement officer, member of the clergy, or regulated child care provider who has reasonable cause to suspect child abuse or neglect shall make immediately, by telephone or otherwise, an oral report, or cause an oral report to be made, of the suspected child abuse or neglect to the department. …

(b) A department employee who is 1 of the following and has reasonable cause to suspect child abuse or neglect shall make a report of suspected child abuse or neglect to the department in the same manner as required under subdivision (a):

I believe some states also include not only “reasonable suspicion” but also “should have known” as the standard.

http://www.rainn.org/public-policy/legal-resources/mandatory-reporting-…] Here’s a site with links and info for all states.

This is not to discourage anyone from reporting nor is it to defend anyone’s actions in any case.. It simply to point to the law, according to which a mere allegation is not enough to mandate a report, though each person should satisfy their conscience in the matter.

In some states ( http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/index.cfm?ev…] including Michigan ), privileged communication (such as clergy-communicant privilege) is specifically exempt from reporting requirements. This is a great deal trickier in many respects and pastors should think very long and hard before hiding behind confidentiality. If an abuser comes to you and confesses abuse, and you have no other corroborating evidence, you cannot report it in some states without being liable for sanctions (not a big deal) and without your testimony possibly being thrown out in court (very big deal, since this may have the effect of jeopardizing the whole case, if one were to be made).

It is pretty narrowly drawn. It typically only applies to attorneys acting as an attorney or clergy acting as clergy, and requires that the information not be known from other sources. IOW, if an abuser confesses to the pastor as the pastor (in confession or seeking spiritual advice, not as a friend or an associate), he may not be required to report it; he probably cannot be compelled to testify in court; he may not even be allowed to be called to testify in court. However, if he finds out about the abuse from another source (such as a parent, or the abused child, visual evidence, etc.), or in a role other than a pastoral counselor, he is required to report it. If there is evidence he knew from another source other than the confessor, he probably can be compelled to testify in court.

Again, a pastor should think very very carefully before hiding behind clergy privilege. It is not a smart move to take in child abuse cases, even if it is permissible in your state. IMO, pastors are always wise not to promise confidentiality, and to warn people (up front, not after the fact) that confidentiality is not guaranteed, though in most cases confidentiality is appropriate and will be respected. Pastors would be wise to report abuse in any case.

Here are a couple of sites about the matter:

Here is a http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/state/ page from the Department of Health and Human Services which discusses state statutes where you can find information from each state on a variety of child protective and related issues.

On this same site is a http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/clergyman…] page detailing clergy privilege information . Keep in mind that if a member of the clergy violates the clergy-communicant privilege, it may actually hamper the investigation and prosecution because that information can be excluded from any court proceedings if not obtained in other ways.

http://www.bc.edu/dam/files/schools/law/lawreviews/journals/bclawr/44_4… This is a rather lengthy article from the Boston College Law Review which will only appeal to those wanting to know what is actually going on with clergy privilege and reporting laws.

So tread carefully in all respects and obtain (and follow) the counsel of a knowledgeable attorney.

[Larry] So tread carefully in all respects and obtain (and follow) the counsel of a knowledgeable attorney.

One other suggestion that I’ve been meaning to make is to document EVERYTHING related to a charge. Document, at a minimum:

1. The name of the person you spoke with and their position, title, or badge number

2. When you spoke with them, and what was discussed

3. Followup steps from there

4. Whatever steps you’re thinking about taking - eg. contacting your Board re: church discipline

In short - anything related to a charge of molestation or abuse of any kind should be logged somewhere, so that you can produce the records/documentation if needed. That way, if there is an allegation of negligence on the your behalf, you’re covered.

One of the reasons why I find Phelps’s testimony more credible is because he’s said that he spoke with Officer Jim Cross and NHDCYF worker Erin Dickson, and that Tina’s mom spoke with Lieutenant Gagnon of the Concord Police Department. Details like that can make you seem like everything was handled properly.

Some preventions that are easy to implement:

Keep all doors to rooms not in use locked. That includes classrooms, closets and storage areas, and outbuildings.

Keep exterior doors that are superfluous locked.

Secure emergency exits with alarms.

Appoint hall and bathroom monitors to cruise the building and parking lot, making sure they are secure, and that no one is loitering in secluded areas, outbuildings, or bathrooms.

I think someone already mentioned that all doors should have windows.

Don’t assume that only adults are perpetrators- children do sometimes engage in sexual behavior with other children. Don’t allow kids to supervise other kids when going to the bathroom, for example.

Make sure teachers have enough help so that they are not alone, especially nursery workers and those supervising children who are being potty-trained.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that overnight youth activities of every kind are a Very Bad Idea. http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php] http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-whacky097.gif

Coincidentally I just received an email from the Church Law Group with the following link on what to do after an allegation of abuse:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX1tFTmLxi4

[Susan R] Some preventions that are easy to implement:

Keep all doors to rooms not in use locked. That includes classrooms, closets and storage areas, and outbuildings.

Keep exterior doors that are superfluous locked.

Secure emergency exits with alarms.

Appoint hall and bathroom monitors to cruise the building and parking lot, making sure they are secure, and that no one is loitering in secluded areas, outbuildings, or bathrooms.

I think someone already mentioned that all doors should have windows.

Other things-

It’s fairly easy to install small windows in rooms that children tend to congregate in. We have 2 door windows and another two wall windows in the nursery, and the children’s church room/multipurpose room also has three windows in it, in addition to the external windows. Use a child tagging system ( http://nursery-safety.com/ something like this ) so that you’re sure that the children go home with the right parents if your church is fairly large and the nursery workers reasonably know all the people in it. I know that both BJU and NIU recommended that in their classes.

Also - Look at installing a closed circuit, motion activated video surveillance system; my understanding is that it’s not nearly as expensive as it used to be, especially with the advent of server-based motion capture.

[Mike Durning] Finally, everybody still seems hung up on the “reasonable suspicion”/when to report question. Let me weigh in, once again.

“Reasonable suspicion” in my mind does not apply when a child reports they have been abused or molested. You accept the report as factual and act accordingly until qualified investigators tell you otherwise.

I am genuinely puzzled, because the initial appearance of “reasonable suspicion” in this thread was your use of it in your list in your original post. Why do you now think it does not apply? How would you handle the situation that Greg described http://sharperiron.org/comment/28582#comment-28582] earlier in the thread here ?

Our daughter’s allegation of a rape came out while at a Christian camp. They called and reported it to us with the recommendation of going to the rapist with a “your good has been evil spoken of”. I think they were thinking of Matthew 18. We went to our pastor first with the intent of going to the rapist afterward thinking that was how we were supposed to handle it biblically. I wish we had gone to the police first, instead. As my husband determined after a few weeks - this isn’t a church issue, it’s a criminal one. We weren’t even sure if we should report it if our daughter didn’t want to give a statement. There is such a lack of understanding of what we ought to do in that situation. We did report it, but didn’t give full details about who until we were sure she was going to make a statement.

One has to be careful about determining facts. As the founder of GRACE told us, “It’s not the role of the pastor OR parents to determine if a disclosure is accurate or not.” That is the job of the professionals. We only mess things up when we try. I messed up a previous disclosure that my daughter was trying to make to her friends at school by asking questions to validate her story. But I didn’t understand the idea of disassociation..you know the idea that ‘my friend has a problem’ or ‘it was a stranger at the park’(it was a cousin of hers). How hurtful and damaging it has been that her recent disclosure of rape has been attacked despite the supporting evidence of impropriety on his part and the behavioral evidence we have for her - before and after the disclosure. The truth did set her free.

Criminal acts are not a ‘Matthew 18’ or an ‘if a brother be overtaken in a fault’ situation. Victimizing children physically or psychologically is against the law. Period. Church leadership should never advocate that a church member handle such a matter simply between themselves. It does require professional help. Never assume you know the law because Aunt Jane or Dr. Snodgrass think they know the law. Check it out for yourself.

When allegations are made, it is essential to take into consideration the nature of the report. “I saw Mr. Jones put his arm around Suzy when they were praying” is different than “I saw Mr. Jones put his hand in Suzy’s shirt when they were praying”. One behavior is inappropriate but could be innocent, the other has no chance whatsoever of being innocent. That is why there are ‘reasonable suspicion’ caveats in the law.

Many years ago my dh and I started hearing from parents about how many incidents of questionable behavior their kids were telling them after sleepovers at friend’s houses. Parents who walked around the house in thin barely-covering-the-essentials nightshirts and boxer shorts, older siblings wrestling and tickling younger kids in ways that made them feel uncomfortable, and even a few cases of ‘musical bedrooms’. And still parents don’t think there is a problem with sleepovers.

The danger isn’t only from the opposite sex either- girls are more often experimenting with other girls, and boys with boys. They see it portrayed as normal and fun on TV, and parents are still grossly naive about what is going on behind closed doors. Kids need to learn boundaries- not just with adults, but with each other. Modesty in the home, between siblings, and places like bathrooms and showers at camp is essential. Youth camp and lock-ins have become a gateway drug for sexual impropriety. We need to stop being so clueless that we continue to place children in the path of temptation and make it open season on young people for predators.

I know I keep harping on prevention, but IMO taking steps to prevent molestation will help spot it if it is already occurring, like draining the bathtub reveals the grime that is lying on the bottom.