What to Do After the Storm, Part 2

Encouragement for Women Whose Husbands Have Fallen Into Pornography

^{Editor’s Note: The following article contains sensitive subject matter about sexuality. Some material may be inappropriate for children.}

Read Part 1.

by Debi Pryde

How Could He Do Such a Thing?

Perhaps you are wondering, How do men or women get entrapped by something as vile and self-centered as pornography and masturbation or by any kind of sexual immorality, for that matter? How can a husband say he loves his wife and then engage in such raunchy behavior? Women who are faced with questions like these often feel deeply betrayed. As the impact of their husband’s sin presses on them, they usually vacillate between anger, insecurity, and sorrow. Trust is shattered, and fear quickly slides into its place. Because involvement with pornography isn’t usually understood or expected, women often struggle to grapple with the realities of such an enslaving habit. With good reason, it is a sin that causes a wife to feel strangely violated. Something or someone else has used what she believed was exclusively hers alone.

To a woman who is reeling in the aftershock of discovering her husband’s vice, it seems senseless and incredibly stupid for him to risk losing everything that is dear in order to gratify sexual urges that are so base. Yet responding with disgust and bewilderment is the way most of us respond when we hear about someone who is enslaved to some devastating sin. We are surprised because we do not fully comprehend the power of sin or believe every person is vulnerable to being controlled by it.

Women who are discouraged as they try to understand their husband’s slippery slide into moral failure should consider the sins they might be enslaved to—perhaps to sins that don’t have the same consequences or stigma that enslavement to pornography does. Is gossip a problem? Worry? Anger? Is there complete self-control with the things one buys? Is credit- card debt a battle? How about time management, time in prayer, and Bible study? Do you have any difficulties there? No matter who we are or how well we have managed to keep ourselves from the clutches of sin, we all still need to be exhorted to “lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us” (Heb. 12:1, KJV). Sin is incredibly deceptive, powerful, and tailor-made to easily exploit every person’s weakest link. One person’s besetting sin may not be another’s.

It’s easy to see sexual sins as heinous when they don’t tempt us. But what about our own besetting sins? Have we made up our mind to flee from them only to be entrapped when our pet passions got the best of us once again? Have we asked for forgiveness again and again and still failed? If we are not careful, we can become just like the Pharisee who self-righteously told the Lord (who let us know the Pharisee prayed with himself), “God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess” (Luke 18:11-12). Whenever we, like the publican, derive our sense of being right with God from what we do or do not do, we become puffed up with pride, critical of others, unmerciful, and unforgiving. We can forget that God’s grace is no more grace if we deserve His forgiveness and righteousness. If we come to God in our own merit, we will find not approval but rejection.

It isn’t uncommon for a woman betrayed by her husband’s immorality to become so prideful and self-righteous that she prays, but God refuses to listen. The Scriptures teach us that “God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble” (1 Pet. 5:5). At the same time, her husband, who sinned so grievously against her, might humbly acknowledge his sin and turn in repentance to God. He may discover that the Lord is ready to grant him full forgiveness and restoration of fellowship. What a strange twist—the betrayed wife behaves like the Pharisee while her husband acts like the publican, who ”standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner” (Luke 18:13). The sinning husband can be forgiven and restored even while his wife, who was sinned against, can be estranged from God. What a sobering reminder that none of us deserves God’s mercy or forgiveness. None of us can be forgiven because we deserve to be. Humility elicits God’s compassion and grace, but pride elicits His opposition completely. “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted” (Luke 18:14). The truth is, all of us can be as enslaved to sin as the husband who is enslaved to pornography. And the path to victory for us is the same path of victory for him.

What We Need

In a nutshell, all sins that involve self-indulgence reflect the same spiritual lack of temperance or self-control. Scripture recognizes temperance as a byproduct or fruit of the Spirit, a characteristic of those who “walk in the Spirit.” One who exercises his own will and lives as he pleases is one who “walks after the flesh.” On the other hand, one who is able to restrain the sinful desires of his human nature and obediently chooses to do God’s will is one who “walks after the Spirit.” The Bible tells us in Galatians 5:16-17, “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust [sinful desires] of the flesh [human nature]. For the flesh lusteth [wars] against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.” If the ability to do right and to resist wrong depends on one thing—walking in the Spirit—then learning what “walking in the Spirit” is should be of utmost importance to every believer. Of all the Christian men (including many pastors) who have been enslaved by sexual sin and of all the Christian women who have been enslaved by bitterness and slander, none can honestly dispute the practical truth of this passage of Scripture. Those who daily walk in the Spirit find all the strength and grace they need to withstand temptation and to do what is right. Those who do not walk in the Spirit do not. The flesh can never be trusted. The Lord Jesus Christ can.

To “walk” refers to how we live and conduct our life. To “walk in the Spirit” is to depend upon and walk with the Lord in the same way God commanded Israel to walk with Him. “And now, Israel, what doth the LORD thy God require of thee, but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul” (Deut. 10:12). The blessings and benefits to those who choose to learn and do God’s commandments are spelled out throughout both the Old and New Testament. “Who is wise, and he shall understand these things? prudent, and he shall know them? for the ways of the LORD are right, and the just shall walk in them: but the transgressors shall fall therein” (Hosea 14:9). David understood that the power and ability to walk with God begin first with a decision of the will but also depend on trusting in God’s enabling grace and strength to do so. God alone enables us to walk in His ways. “Teach me [dependence] thy way, O LORD; I will [the will exercised] walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name” (Ps. 86:11).

What both husband and wife need when faced with the aftermath of sexual sin is the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, for He alone is the only means through which a husband will conquer his sexual sin or a wife will conquer the temptation to give up or become bitter. This is a time when both need to grasp the fact that one’s spouse never could and never will be able to provide the kind of emotional satisfaction and fulfillment that can come only from a wholehearted relationship with Christ. Even the best marriage relationship can be filled with disillusionment and disappointment if our first love is not our Savior with whom we are united forever.

What a miracle of God’s grace if your husband is experiencing true repentance and grappling with the realities of his sin. True repentance always brings true sorrow for sin. But whether your husband repents or not, you, the betrayed wife, desperately need to learn the practical lessons of walking with God, daily trusting Him, communing with Him, listening to Him, and depending on Him. He alone will never betray you, disappoint you, leave you, or cease loving you. At a time in your life when your hopes and dreams seem to be crumbling all around you, you have the privilege to flee to the Lord and to find in Him everything you need to face the challenges of each new day.

Many saints will testify that some of the sweetest times with the Lord are when we are experiencing the depths of anguish and despair. But God does not leave us in the valley of sorrows. He walks beside us in the valley and sustains us through the darkest night, and then He leads us ever upward to sunny pastures, where we will once again delight in all of God’s loving provision. David testified of this blessing when he said, “I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD” (Ps. 27:13-14).

Look up, dear sister, and don’t look within. Don’t focus your thoughts on your husband—look up, for that is from where your help and deliverance will come! David learned this same lesson and confidently told us,

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore (Ps. 121:1-8).

Debi Pryde has taught ladies’ Bible classes and spoken at retreats and seminars for the past 30 years. A certified biblical counselor, she is particularly burdened for women and for the problems they face in today’s world. She has published a variety of Bible studies and books, including Secrets of a Happy Heart, Happily Married, and Precept Upon Precept. She and her husband, Tom, are active members at Lighthouse Baptist Church (La Verne, CA). You can read more about Debi, about her ministry, and about her rose garden by visiting her website.