Heartlight Ministries/Mark Gregston

Fri, 08/13/2010 - 7:43am

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Susan R

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'Homes' for troubled kids

I remembered this thread today, and was still wondering about it... for years it seemed normal that if your teen was out of control, you sent them to a home. But when my dh and I became the parents of a teen, we felt that the emphasis should be on training the parents to deal with their children. I can see the need for separation if a teen is a danger to himself and others (which Heartlight seems to be)... but we felt as if we had an epiphany about the supposed need for all these boys' and girls' homes for kids from Christian homes who've basically been brats and the parents didn't know how to deal with it.

Got any thoughts on the need for 'homes', or about Heartlight in particular?

NOTE: I'm not interested in stories about what may or may not have happened at such-n-such home, but about the Scriptural basis or Biblically consistent reasons for sending 'troubled' kids away from home to 'snap them into shape', as it were.

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Fri, 08/13/2010 - 1:19pm

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Rev Karl

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Alternative resources for child rearing

Let me approach this from a different angle.

The Bible teaches that we are each individually responsible to teach our children. ("Train up a child in the way he should go...", etc.) However many of us send our children to school. Whether it is a private Christian school or public school, we get help in training our children.

OK. Many of us don't believe in sending our kids off to school, so our kids are home-schooled. No problem with that. What do you do when you have a child whose education is above your abilities? My dear wife and I are blessed with a child with Down syndrome. We did home school her one year. Our ability to educate her, despite our college training and access to specialized materials, even at that young age was above our abilities. We searched and found a teacher and a class within the existing system which was compatible with her needs, and she has been well served.

How many of us home school our children for college? Ask yourself another question: how many of us found our spouses in a Christian college? Was it God's will for you to go to college? Or should you have stayed home to get your education, and find your spouse, as a function of your family? I know some do this. Does that mean that the 99% of us that did not stay home for college are married to a spouse that was not God's will for our lives?

My point is this. The responsibility for teaching my child belongs to my wife and me. When needed, we enlist the help of others to do so. But we make it clear to the educational professionals every year that it is *OUR* responsibility to teach our child: the teachers are just there to help. They work for us, and we closely monitor their activity.

Or, let's talk about training in the Faith. It is our responsibility to see that our children are are trained in the Word. Does that mean we do not allow them to go to Sunday School? Youth activities? Of course not. These things augment our work with our children.

Yes, there are situations where the parents need to grow a backbone, and step into their responsibilities as parents. But there *are* times when outside help is needed.

In answer to the specific topic at hand, IMHO, there was a time 30-40 years ago when our Christian/Fundamentalist forebears tried to create a Christian version of many secular institutions. (For example, the Christian school movement.) Maybe the proliferation of "homes for troubled teens" falls into that category. Whether it does or not, if a family has done all it can to help their child (if they have fulfilled their responsibilities before the Lord), and they are not able to overcome the serious problems involved, asking for help from a place that specializes in dealing with such serious problems is appropriate.

God Bless,

Karl in Florida

Fri, 08/13/2010 - 3:31pm

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Susan R

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But is that what happens?

most of what I know about homes for troubled teens is what I've heard at missions conferences/special meetings, and a bit from a brief perusal of their websites. So that is why I am asking questions. But I do know this- the minute we started having trouble with our firstborn, it was suggested that we send him away to a home. He wasn't doing anything illegal, btw, nor was he involved in fornication, substance abuse, etc... He was being an obstinate boy in the usual independence-seeking testosterone-loaded way that many boys experience. It was "Your kid is a brat? Send him out for reprogramming." like he was just a shirt to be dry cleaned. It bothered both of us that instead of helping us deal with him, we were encouraged to send him away.

So to use the principles in your examples, Bro. Karl- Does the typical home work in conjunction with the parents? To my knowledge most homes require the children to break off all contact with the outside and a few ask the parents to sign over legal guardianship. Are parents allowed to monitor the methods the homes use or the activities their child is involved in? What do these ministries do to ensure that the parents truly have done all they can to help their child? While the child is away, what kind of spiritual help do the parents receive so that when the child comes back home, the whole situation doesn't happen again?

IOW, finding assistance with health issues or spiritual problems or training in vocational skills/academics for one's children while still remaining the head of the home is within Biblical parameters. But is that how homes for troubled teens generally operate?

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Fri, 08/13/2010 - 3:42pm

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Charlie

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Potential for Abuse

The incredible potential for abuse within programs like this scares me. I'm not saying that the people who founded these programs intended to abuse children or to allow abuse, but as Susan stated, many of these programs are isolated, authoritarian, and lack accountability. That's a recipe for attracting or creating people who will be abusive. Christians especially have been somewhat naive about the potential for "good Christian employees" to be abusers. No one who would give up their lives and take a low-paying job to work with troubled kids and teens would have nefarious intentions, would they?

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Fri, 08/13/2010 - 4:39pm

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Jim Peet

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Suggested methodology to evaluate ministries

In response to

Susan R wrote:

I came across Heartlight Ministries the other day, and have been browsing the site. Has anyone here heard of them or used their resources? If so, what did you think of its Biblical accuracy and methodology, and the idea of a Christian boarding school for particularly troubled teens?

I first suggest that we give ministries the benefit of the doubt. Just because one has not heard of it doesn't make it suspect
In the case of the above, look at the board of directors, etc: As listing
- http://www.heartlightministries.org/heartlight-board.html AND
- http://www.heartlightministries.org/heartlight-founders.html
Consider the doctrinal statement, ministry vision & philosophy: http://www.heartlightministries.org/heartlight-counseling-philosophy.html
Check to see if it is a registered 501(c)(3) organization that publicly publishes financial information (990's). You can check http:/www.guidestar.org for this. In the case of Heartlight, they are and they do! (I checked)

I was fortunate to not have "problem children", but boarding options are not unusual either for those with unique needs or for other situations. Eg the famous http://www.farragut.org/ or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._John%27s_Military_Academy. I'm aware of situations where missionary children are enrolled in boarding schools

I find Karl's comments above valuable! Thanks

Re:

Charlie wrote:

The incredible potential for abuse within programs like this scares me.

Yup. Goes for Christian camps, Christian colleges, overnight teen activities, AWANA, etc. With proper controls and oversight safe environments can be assured. Note the Heartlight statement on corporal punishment

Quote:

Simply put, Heartlight does not condone, participate in, or inflict corporal punishment (any form of inflicting pain or physical deprivation) on the teenagers in its care. Our policy reflects our belief that corporal punishment is counter to efforts to build relationships for the purpose of correcting unhealthy patterns of inappropriate behavior. Instead, we have learned that a more effective and teachable form of discipline entails the loss of certain privileges and added chores for the errant resident. When chores are added, Heartlight staff participate along with the resident, using it as an opportunity to relate.

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Fri, 08/13/2010 - 7:13pm

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Charlie

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Clarification

I was not referring to Heartlight when I made those statements; I was merely speaking in general terms. This ministry seems to have many safeguards in place, and their philosophy of ministry seems very compassionate.

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Fri, 08/13/2010 - 7:21pm

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Jim Peet

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Thanks

Charlie wrote:

I was not referring to Heartlight when I made those statements; I was merely speaking in general terms. This ministry seems to have many safeguards in place, and their philosophy of ministry seems very compassionate.

Thanks for the clarification

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Sat, 08/14/2010 - 6:42am

#8 permalink

Susan R

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Parental authority

Heartlight Philosophy:

Quote:

When unhealthy patterns of dealing with those life issues (lying, selfishness, deceitfulness, manipulation, entitlement, depression, lack of motivation, disrespect for authority, confusion) are present, Heartlight offers a safe and encouraging short-term living environment specifically designed to cring about a change in the teenager's thinking and actions.

I'm a bit confused about the definition of 'unhealthy patterns' (such as entitlement), because what child doesn't at some point exhibit some of these 'unhealthy patterns'- to what degree, in your opinion, would these behaviors require a child be sent to a place like Heartlight?

Here's the information from the site about parental involvement-

Quote:

Parent/Family Retreats

There are parent and family retreats at Heartlight. These are structured to provide parental involvement and understanding of the Heartlight residential and counseling models. Parents are asked to commit to attend three parent retreats. There are three family retreats each year for parents and siblings. It is our hope that the family can attend as many as possible. Family Retreats are easy going, and designed to provide opportunities for families to be together in a relaxed and fun atmosphere. The Parent Retreats are designed to give parents a "seminar-type" opportunity to learn more about how Heartlight works with their teenager as well as effective ways of handling difficulties. These occasions also allow parents to spend a large amount of time with the Heartlight Staff. Over the years, Heartlight has found that families who do not participate in the retreats have a more difficult time when their teenager returns home. Participation in these retreats is vital and required and is viewed by the Heartlight staff as essential and paramount in the "working through" of struggles and difficulties. A schedule of these retreats is updated and mailed to parents on a regular basis.

Quote:

Parental Visits to Heartlight

Heartlight is dedicated to the family as a whole and encourages the full and total support of the entire family, during the time an individual member is involved in the Heartlight program. While visits from the parents and other family members are greatly encouraged, Heartlight must limit the number of visits for obvious reasons. We ask that parents not visit their teenager at Heartlight during the first 30 days after placement to ensure that the "transition" to your teenager's new" home away from home" goes smoothly. After the first 30 days, parents may visit Heartlight once a month for a weekend. Heartlight reserves the right to limit visits, should they not be in the best interest of the teenager, the family, and our program.

Quote:

From the FAQ: Parents play a vital role. Parents are asked to attend three Family Retreats and a series of three Parent Retreats that do not involve the residents. Parents are encouraged to particiapte in a 30-minute weekly phone call with their child and also communicate with staff and counselor on a regular basis for updates on their child's progress. Parent involvement will be based on the progress of the child and as the Level System dictates. Parental visits to Heartlight are welcome, but time with the child may be limited if the child is still on the lower levels or is on restriction. Every connection with parents and family is orchestrated to ensure progress in the student's way of thinking and acting.

I'm not getting the feeling here that the parent is in control at all- Is this Scripturally acceptable? IOW, the parents are either not equipped to deal with their child, or the child has chosen to be a major disruption in the home, or they wouldn't need to send their child away, so when the child reaches the home, the parents adopt a minor supportive role as opposed to an authoritative role with regards to their child? Where does the church and pastor come into this equation? What kind of discipling should the family receive while their child is away for 9 months to a year?

If parental visits/contact are not in the best interest of the teenager because their family is seriously dysfunctional (what other reason would there be?), should they involve the family's church, or possible even legal authorities? Still thinking out loud here.

BTW, boarding schools for missionary children or military academies are not relevant to this topic. Their purpose and function is completely different.

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Sat, 08/14/2010 - 7:15am

#9 permalink

Jim Peet

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Parental authority

It's simple.

Parents have the authority to decide that Heartlight ministires is in the best interest of their child. If they want to send them there ... fine. If not OK

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Sat, 08/14/2010 - 7:23am

#10 permalink

Susan R

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Discussion

Jim Peet wrote:

It's simple.

Parents have the authority to decide that Heartlight ministires is in the best interest of their child. If they want to send them there ... fine. If not OK

If you don't want to answer or discuss my questions, Jim, that's fine. But it isn't "simple". There are definite Biblical principles that need to be considered, (such as the father's role as head of the home, and whether or not he can Scripturally -and to what extent- 'hand off' that responsibility to someone else) and while we have much liberty in various areas of our lives as to how and why we do/don't do things, we still need to be able to articulate why some things are permissible and others aren't.

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Sat, 08/14/2010 - 8:29am

#11 permalink

Jim Peet

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A Biblical example of delegated parental authority

In response to:

Susan R wrote:

There are definite Biblical principles that need to be considered, (such as the father's role as head of the home, and whether or not he can Scripturally -and to what extent- 'hand off' that responsibility to someone else)

A Biblical example of delegated parental authority

Genesis 24.

Abraham authorizes a delegate to find a wife for his son.

-------Think of the camp form that parents sign off on ------

Child goes to camp
Parent signs form authorizing appropriate authority to make a medical decision in the case of emergency

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Sat, 08/14/2010 - 9:08pm

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Rev Karl

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Susan R wrote: most of what I

Susan R wrote:

most of what I know about homes for troubled teens is what I've heard at missions conferences/special meetings, and a bit from a brief perusal of their websites. So that is why I am asking questions. But I do know this- the minute we started having trouble with our firstborn, it was suggested that we send him away to a home. He wasn't doing anything illegal, btw, nor was he involved in fornication, substance abuse, etc... He was being an obstinate boy in the usual independence-seeking testosterone-loaded way that many boys experience. It was "Your kid is a brat? Send him out for reprogramming." like he was just a shirt to be dry cleaned. It bothered both of us that instead of helping us deal with him, we were encouraged to send him away.

Susan, I'm with you on the situation you described. A "home" away from the family should not be a first, second or third response, but a last resort.

And I am not *advocating* for them. It's just one of those tools available to you.

Side comment. I happen to be a graduate of a boarding school. I was not sent there: I wanted to go. They were the best years of my life. (so far...) But there were families who used the school as a last resort for a troubled child. I think that does a dis-service to the child, his classmates, and the school. Just my humble opinion.

Another side comment. When we took in foster children, the rules of foster care prohibited corporal punishment on the grounds that a relationship of trust was not yet in place, and that trust was a necessary component for the effective administration of corporal punishment. *if* this principle is correct, then refraining from corporal punishment in a home for troubled kids would seem to be a wise course of action.

Karl in Florida

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Heartlight Ministries/Mark Gregston