Worshiping at the Altar of Family

i have a lot of big feelings about this.

i do not want to write it all out right now.

one point: the church's sort of wild reaction to the feminist movement is partly responsible for the family-worship-in-women thing.

i think the church is more the core of NT society, not the family.

Anyone who reads Prov. 31 without taking any other Scriptures into account would think that this woman worshipped her family. Obviously her household is a priority, and evangelism as we tend to define it is not mentioned, although providing for the poor and needy is. What we should learn from her is that her love and fear of the Lord is the impetus for her actions, and it is a good thing that her husband is of good reputation, his trust in her care of the household is a part of that good reputation, and it is OK for her husband and children to be grateful and express their gratitude to her. This is further supported by passages addressing marriage and parenthood in the NT. 

If there's one thing I've learned in the last 25 years of marriage, parenting, and ministry, is that establishing and maintaining Biblical priorities is not a cut-and-dried matter. We go through many seasons of life, and demands change because of finances, health, and spiritual issues, so our responses to those needs will require some changes in 'visible' priorities, while our inner priorities should remain static.

Unless someone is actually stating that church is Ptooey and family is Everything, we simply cannot look at each other through some arbitrary lens of 'normal' and suspect anyone else guilty of idolatry.

A general observation- the FIC movement is a bit of a pendulum swing, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. If I had to choose an extreme, I'd rather see folks err a bit to the choice of prioritizing family than neglecting it. But as with all major shifts of thought and practice, many folks who jumped on the Family-Is-Everything bandwagon will settle down into a more balanced approach. It takes a lot of effort to be truly extreme.

It depends on the extreme. I'm not saying that any extreme is good, but on the grand scale of life, some seem better/worse than others. Say, extreme crunchiness is better than extreme junk food consumption, because of the repercussions and consequences. So if there is a swing, even a swing too far, toward focusing on one's family as opposed to the neglect of family, if I had to choose, that is the end of the spectrum I would choose.

However, as I stated in my post, 1) balance is essential for the times and seasons of life, and 2) I believe most extremes eventually level out, with only a few remaining on the ragged edge. In that sense I see this refocusing as a generally good thing.

You could not have said this any better. Excellent post!

Any extreme, if it is idolatrous is neither better or worse regardless of the apparent fruit it produces. This is the kind of pragmatism that gets us into real trouble. We do not establish the norms nor the degree to which error or outright sin is acceptable or tolerable. If a woman or a man turns her/his family, kids, or spouse into an object of worship, they may was well bow down to a piece of wood. The hyper individiualism of American culture is the foundation for much of what passes as biblical families today. The idea is created by cultural influences and societal values, placed over the text of Scripture, and a false picture is produced. When men and women attempt to create this picture in their own families and fail, the results are often disastrous. Americanized Christianity is so pervasive in our culture that it is very difficult indeed to even recognize what biblical Christianity even looks like these days. I think this is true across the board. I left a PCA church because I watched the elders allow one woman divorce her husband without any discipline resulting, and then another woman did the same thing, and finally another. There was no adultery in any of the cases. The women were just unhappy and believed God understood the plight of their situation. I know of another case right now in a bible church where a woman left a man studying for ministry, also without any grounds. In one case the PCA pastor told me the one man wasn't being a husband to his wife while the other one was failing to love his wife as Christ loved the church. These are perfect examples of how American Christianity has displaced biblical Christianity even in some of our best and most conservative churches.

I find myself unable to comment much about your response because I am unclear about what you mean by having a "tug-of-war" going on between church and family. It depends on the specifics of your situation. For some people a tug-of-war might be the commitment to involvement at any level, or attendance at least weekly. To others it could be much more than that. To be sure, if we are not feeling any tug-of-war at all, I would probably argue that we are not making much of a sacrifice in our service. I cannot tell where you have drawn your lines and whether or not those lines find support within the Christian tradition or Scripture.

What does it look like when a man is giving his wife the "right amount" of attention and who says when that happens? Does a wife decide what the "right amount" of time is? Who says her expectations are biblical to begin with? Who leads the family? What happens when the husband decides that x amount of hours is appropriate and the wife wants more? Who is the place of authority to decide? If the wife can decide when the church is out of line AND when the husband is negligent, isn't she stepping across the line in terms of her God-ordained role? What should a Christian woman do when her husband and church displease her in terms of her expectations in these matters?

That is a very tough situation. Impossible for me to comment. The needs of the church are what they are. The ability of your husband to serve is what it is. Perhaps now is not the time. I would encourage you to examine your thought process around your fellow brother and sister. Of all that you have said, that is the area where your greatest opportunity to love comes in my opinion. To despise a candidate because he is young brings Timothy to mind. Second, if he has the confidence of the leadership of the church, that should  be enough. To refer to his wife as a basket-case is behavior I would encourage you to avoid. I will pray for your family and church regarding this matter.

Americans have a very difficult time with the concept of submission, and the last time I checked, I was one of them. It is a struggle because the sin nature, coupled with a radically individualistic culture, makes biblical submission challenging. But take heart; we have an unction from the Holy One and He has given us the victory over sinful enslavement.

Susan, I understand that some church leaders violate Scripture. I watched a man submit to leaders who allowed his wife to separate from him and they did nothing. He continued to submit while his wife divorced him and they did nothing. He continued to submit but took his case to the Presbytery. It was only when the Presbytery, in very political and in good-ole boy fashion, informed the man that his wife could legitimately repent of the divorce without reconciling with him and remove her name from membership, that the man finally decided to move on. The leadership was told by several key members (women mostly) that they would leave the church if the leaders attempted to discipline this woman. This was the second man she had divorced and apparently the first separation was also for unjustifiable reasons. This man was far more concerned with submitting to God's plan and doing his part obey the divine mandate to submit than he was anything else.

The risk of sin enters in when you accuse your elders/leaders of violating Scripture. That is a VERY serious accusation, not to be made lightly. It is something you must be completely certain of. If you think that has happened, you must take that issue up with your husband who should approach leadership in ALL humility and ask questions to verify. But he must do so with a spirit of reverence and great gentleness. It cannot be an accusation. If there is a clear violation of Scripture, he should follow the steps in the church documents, which should be based on Scripture to address the issue. The questions I have regard the type of government, such as ruling elders, if there is an body to which he can appeal that is over the local assembly. If it is a typical independent Baptist church that does not have a plurality of elders, that would be the first problem, in my opinion.

I would also encourage you to avoid speaking with anyone about this matter. In other words, don't talk to friends or other church members about it. You have a responsibility to protect your leaders even if you disagree with them. In every situation we must seek for behavior that honors God and elevates His kingdom. Most of the time, that requires great humility on our part.